Après Vous

His hot breath mingled with mine and I smiled as he leaned in to kiss me again. Our bodies were touching in every place possible. Naked skin carressing naked skin. His hands entwined with mine as we laid back against the bed. He smiled at me, that assuring smile he always gave me, and then moved down to kiss my neck and then my chest and then all those intimate places.

It was early in the morning, just as the sun was peeking through the curtains and onto the bed, giving us just enough light to see the other. The house was quiet. Everyone was still asleep. This was the perfect time - in fact the only time - to get away with this. Not like everyone else in the house was a moral human being, but we preferred it this way.

Those were the days when I wasn't afraid, when I thought nothing could hurt me. Why would God or fate or anything come to smite me?

As we laid together under the covers, our hot bodies connected, he'd tell me fantastic stories of our future together. I always liked to think we'd get married, but I didn't really believe in marriage even if I loved him. I'd look into his sky blue eyes and hope he was telling the truth. I'd be lulled to sleep by his voice and we'd sleep for an hour or two until we had to start working.

He'd give me a kiss on the forehead and sneak back to his room to get dressed and I'd get out of bed, dizzy and giddy from the love-making, and comb through my mass of hair. I'd put it in a braid or a bun and dress in my simple outfit and I'd serve the millionaires and their children until sundown or until they had a party and then I would meet him. That is what kept me alive during the day, I guess.

I'd met him at a horse race and only there found out that we worked on the same manor. He spent his time in the stable and I spent mine in the house.

It was the escape we both needed. Neither of us had been in love before so it was perfect.

His name was Benjamin. He was a few years older than me; I was eighteen when I met him. He was always smiling his perfect smile. I think his blue eyes were what lured me in though. They really were the color of the sky and somehow that was comforting to me. He didn't have much money to his name but it didn't bother him.

The owner of the manor, Mr. Geoffrey, had a liking for him and paid him well. He often dined with the Geoffreys when they had guests over. Ben was like the older son they didn't have. They had three daughters, no one to take over the family name. Poor rich folk.

I guess the family liked me too, though I didn't see myself as any different than the other girls that lived and worked there. I just happened to be with Ben and that gave me perks.

The day I turned nineteen was the day he asked me to marry him. It wasn't the happiest day of my life. There were conditions. He told me Mr. Geoffrey had friends in France that would pay him much better than he could. He said it would be good to have a little money to his name before we settled down.

I was afraid. I had questions and concerns but I was docile and I just nodded, happy to do anything for me.

As we laid in my bed that morning, our last morning, he could tell something was on my mind. He was good at that, even if I was quiet most of the time.

"Peggy?" he whispered, his hands on the small of my back. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Nothing," I answered as a quiet tear slid down my cheek.

"Oh darling.." he wrapped his strong arms tight and comforting around me and let me cry. That's what was also good about him. He believed in crying it out, not holding it in.

"I don't want you to leave," I said, looking into his sky eyes and mentally begging him to stay. We didn't need the money. I didn't need anything fancy.

"I have to. I don't want my wife working a day in her life," he explained and smiled softly.

"I don't mind working," I replied.

He smiled wider. "You deserve the best and I want to give it to you."

"But.."

He kissed me to make me stop talking. It got me quiet for a minute or two..

"But how long will you be away?"

"It'll only be a year or two.."

I sat up in bed, an obvious look of concern on my face. "What?! Two years..I can't.."

He sat up too and grabbed my arm, "Margaret, listen. It won't be that bad. It'll go fast.."

I shook my head. "Two years don't go fast, Ben. I can't wait that long."

"Are you saying you'll leave me if I go?" he grabbed my arm tight and looked at me with a pained expression. I looked away, tears burning my eyes.

"No.. I just.."

He wrapped his arms around my naked, thin frame and whispered, "I promise I will write as often as I can and I will try and come for a week or two in summer. I promise I will make this worth our while."

"I don't know.." I said, resting my face in the crook of his warm neck.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, his sweet voice soothing me. He could make me do or believe anything..

"Yes. I do," I replied quietly.

"Then please, please trust me on this."

We laid back down on the bed and he carressed my cheek, twirled my hair. But I was still concerned. It wasn't as if I believed he would do something bad like cheat on me or anything. It was just that I couldn't possibly live without his company for two years. He was my everything..

"Won't you let me come with you?" I asked, knowing it was a hopeless cause.

"Oh Peggy, you can't.."

I stopped him from explained all the reasons why. "I understand.."

"I leave here at five tonight," he told me.

"And I must work while you leave? I won't get to say goodbye?"

"Don't be silly," he kissed my nose. "If the Geoffreys get to say goodbye than so do you. They know you're my sweetheart."

I smiled for once and rested my head against his chest.

He lifted up my chin to look at his angelic face. The way his messy waves of black hair hair fell in his face was just perfect that morning.. "Now listen. I know it will be tough, maybe even the toughest thing we've ever done. I want you to wake up every morning and think of us getting married, raising a family. You want that, don't you?"

I nodded. "I do," I replied, though not sure if I did. I think that was his dream, to create something that he never had to grow up in. Like I said, I was never sure I wanted to get married. And I didn't really know what to think of raising children. All I really liked was him holding me tight, making love to me, or helping me not feel so alone.

"Then let that keep you going. Just think of the goal and the two years will go by like that," he kissed me again, but gained no response from me. He didn't seem to notice my lack of affection either.

Waiting, just waiting two years was a horrible waste of two years, wasn't it? I had dreams, goals for my life and I wasn't getting any younger. And now he was trapping me into waiting for something I wasn't sure if I wanted.

But I loved him. He was the only one I ever, ever loved.

I quietly, tearlessly said goodbye to him that afternoon, returned to my room, and prayed for everything to turn out right. Every morning I woke up crying. I dreamt about him, sometimes good dreams, sometimes nightmares. And I continued to pray for a life I didn't want.

Maybe God was telling me that I was right, that family life wasn't cut out for me. God or otherwise, I had been a stupid love-sick girl that believed everything would turn out right in the end.

I wasted two years of my life for nothing. He never came back.