Waiting For The Sun To Rise.

“I have good news!”
I jumped up in my uncomfortable hospital bed, startled awake by Dr. Picardi’s booming, but pleasant, voice. Rubbing at my eyes, glanced to my left to see Zack rubbing at his own eyes as he stifled a yawn out. I chuckled, guess I wasn’t the only person who had just woke up. Zack had been in the room with me long before I fell asleep. You see, I ended up having to stay in the hospital for three extra days. They wanted to run tests on me to make sure I would not suffer through another ‘panic attack’.

“Well, give it to us straight Doc…is she gonna live?” I smacked Zack’s arm playfully and tuned my eyes on the doctor. Dr. Picardi and I had become more or less friends in my short stay at the hospital. We often had long talks that resulted in things he called a ‘break-through. Our topics varied to things like my mother and father, to Logan and even my brother. Strange how easy I could open up to a stranger, but there was something about Dr. Picardi that made him like-able; more importantly, trust-able.

“There’s two things that I need to say.” I shot him an annoyed glance and let out a moan, muttering for him to get on with it. Zack placed him hand over mine and smiled, signaling for me to calm down. Dr. Picardi, on the other hand, had gotten used to be short temper and lack of patience and simply chuckled.

“First, the thing you have been waiting to hear; you get to go home today.”
A smile immediately formed on my lips and Zack reached over to share a big hug. I nuzzled my head into his shoulder and let out a few excited giggles. Mid-way through the hug, I stopped and rose my eye brow. Pulling away from Zack, I crossed my arms over my chest.

‘What’s the catch?” Dr. Picardi raised an eye brow and chuckled, not quite catching on to my train of thought. Zack put his hand back on top of my own and stared back at the Doc.
“What’s your other big news?”

“Ah, well, I know you’re very much against seeing another doctor about this. Is that correct?”
I turned away from his gaze and scoffed. Of course I was against it. This doctor would not just observe how healthy my body is, it would be like therapy. That was the last thing I wanted.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Well, your brother and I have come up with another option, if you’re interested.” Raisin g an eye brow I replied, “Well, lets here this brilliant idea of yours.” Notice the sarcasm on the word ‘brilliant’. Picardi let out his booming, yet soothing, laugh of his and tossed his head back.

“Ah, I’m going to miss your charming personality Jamie.” He paused and ran a hand through his dark brown hair, his green-ish blue eyes staring back into my own.
“Well, over these past four days I’d like to think you and I have bonded. Do you agree?”

I arched an eye brow, not understanding where he was going with this, but nodded my head.
“Good, good. Well, Brandon and I were thinking you and I could talk. It wouldn’t be considered therapy but you and I would talk on the phone for at least an hour a day for four days every week. The conversation topics can vary to whatever you want, but these phone calls are required, and confidential of course.” He paused and cleared his throat before throwing that charming and flawless smile on his face.
“So what do you say, Jamie?” Both Picardi and Zack stared at me with hopeful eyes as I contemplated my options. Seconds turned into minutes until finally I let out a long aggravated sigh.

“All right, all right, I’ll do it.” They both grinned in relief an exhaled a long breath I had not realized they had been holding. Chuckling myself, I crossed my arms over my chest again.

“Yeah well, anything to get Zack to stop looking at me with those puppy eyes. Their like weapons.” I muttered, causing Zack to fake a surprised face.
“Don’t you dare try to deny it, pretty boy! You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Zack and Picardi shared another laugh, and I couldn’t help but join in because I was finally going to be able to leave this depressing place! All right, so really I didn’t have much to complain about. I almost always had visitors, just never from the one person I really wanted to see.
Yeah, Alex never came to visit me. Not once. Was I pissed? You bet. But I I was being completely honest with myself, I was more sad and disappointed about it. I thought that when I opened my eyes in the hospital, he would be the first person I see. Well that didn’t happen; in fact, I had seen everyone except him. Jack told me Nick even came to see me. Okay, I wasn’t too happy about that, but I had been sleeping when he came so at least I didn’t have endure any more of his games.

So where was Alex all this time?

“Well, we’ll let you get dressed. Victoria brought some of your clothes and shit for you.” Zac said, pointing to a bag on the end of the bed. I nodded and mentally told myself to thank her when I was out of this place. The doctor and Zack left me to get ready. Getting out of the bed, I stretched my arms and legs or a good five minutes. It felt good to be up and walking without someone hovering over me to make sure I wouldn’t pass out or something. I emptied the bag onto the bed. Three different shirts fell out along with jeans and sweat pants and other make-up items and a bathroom utensils. I smiled, truly grateful that she packed so much for me. I chose a plain black v-neck and light blue ripped skinny jeans. Looking at my reflection in the mirror over my bed, something I avoided looking at during my whole stay at this place, I couldn’t help but laugh at my appearance. My hair looked crazy, like a lion’s mane. I quickly changed and ran a brush through my hair, doing the best I could with that. I even brushed my teeth. When all was done, I applied some normal make-up: eye liner, mascara, some foundation, and a light lip-gloss. I had to say, I was impressed at how well I looked now compared to my appearance moments ago. All in all, it took me about fifteen minutes. I walked to the door and wrapped my hand around the knob; pausing, I let out a sigh. I was finally leaving this place. Every since my dad died, I hated them. In fact, this was the first time I’d been in one since that horrible day.

The tears wouldn’t stop falling; they just kept coming. My eyes were like endless pools of rain, just falling down my cheeks. It was raining that night, just adding on to the water that all ready soaked my tear-stricken face. I didn’t care though, I just had to get to the hospital. Nothing else mattered at this moment.
I had been at Logan’s, which was the on the opposite side of town from the hospital. I would have taken his car, but he wasn’t home.

When I reached the building, everything felt surreal. It’s like one of those scenes in the movies; everything is in slow motion and anything people say is echoed loudly over and over again. I raced in the building and I knew I told the nurse behind the desk who I was there for, but I didn’t hear myself say it. All I saw was a look of recognition all over the pretty woman’s face, followed by a look of sympathy and sadness. This wasn’t good. She led me down halls that seemed endless. I must have ran into four people on my way to the room, but I didn’t feel anything.

When I finally reached the room, the doctor shook his head and told me I had to wait because they were operating. Why, you ask? My father was shot. Not once, not twice, but three times in the back. It just seemed too bizarre, too unbelievable. I couldn’t think of one person that would want to hurt my dad. He didn’t have any enemies; he was well-liked by all who know him.

I was directed to another small room where I saw my mother and Brandon hugging each other. When I entered, they looked at me with cautious eyes. We hadn’t talked in over six months since I had moved in with Logan. I wanted to run to them, but my body would not move. Deep down, I was just too scared of being shunned away by them. Instead, I sat down a seat away from them as they stared at me. My mother’s face gave me an idea of what mine must of looked like. Brandon’s eyes were teary, but he was not a total mess like mom and me. He looked at me with such harsh eyes, such blaming eyes. It was so hard to bear, to sit there and stare back knowing I might of very well caused our father’s death.

Ten minutes later, a doctor came out into our room. His grey hair and bushy eye brows gave me hope that he was an experienced doctor that could save my father, my daddy. We all looked at him with hopeful eyes, but he shook his head sadly. He told us he wasn’t gone, yet, and that we could go see him now. Yeah, we could go see him and say goodbye.
No one could possibly understand what I felt at that moment, what we all felt, unless you were in a situation like ours. I’m not even sure I knew what I felt at that moment. Brandon and my mother raced past me to get to dad’s room, but I stayed behind. I kept shaking my head. Soon, my hands and arms started shaking and a single tear rolled down my cheek. It was too much. How could I possibly say goodbye to my dad after all I had done to him? I had ostracized myself from him and my entire family for a boy they obviously and seriously disapproved of. I had no idea what to say to him; I had all ready caused too much pain for him and the rest of our family. I didn’t belong here; no, I didn’t deserve to be here. I didn’t deserve to say goodbye to my father.

“Miss, are you Jamie Bergenson?” I looked up at the young nurse and nodded my head slightly. She gave me a look of sympathy, like the first nurse.

“It’s your father…he wishes to see you.”
I knew I was walking towards his room, but I couldn’t feel myself moving my feet. When I reached the room, my pulse was beating so fast it was probably a good thing I was in a hospital.

“Jamie, my baby…” His voice came out crackled and weak. It broke my heart into a million pieces knowing I had a great deal to do with this. He motioned for me to come closer and I did, slowly. He took my hand with great care and gave it a weak squeeze. He was just so delicate. It hurt me to look at his frail form. Still, he smiled up at me with those kind and loving eyes that he always looked at me with and stroked my hand.

“My baby, I’m glad you came.” He said softly. I let a whimper escape from my lips and closed my eyes tight to stop the tears from falling, but it didn’t work. I heard my father’s quiet chuckle.

“This is all my fault.”
He hushed me and gave me a stern look.
“Jamie, no it is not; Don’t you ever blame yourself.” He paused and took a deep breath, as if simple sentences took much effort.
“Do you know why I called you in here?’ He asked. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

“Because Jamie, I chose you. You are the last person I want to speak to, the last person I want to touch, and the last person I want to see before I die.”
Those words hit me like a bullet. He was really going to die; this wasn’t some dream I was going to wake up from any time soon. It was the real deal and he had chosen me.

“But…why?” I whispered. He slapped my hand, although because he was so weak, it was more like a pat. Letting out another soft chuckle, he motioned for me to come closer. I sat down on the bed and took both his hands in mine.

“I chose you because I love you Jamie. I always have and I always will. You’re my baby girl. I’ve watched you grow up into the brilliant, talented, and. . . Opinionated person I see before me today.” We both grinned at his last word choice and I squeezed his hands harder as the tears began to fall.
“No matter what has happened Jamie, you’ll always be my little girl.”
A sob escaped from my lips as I let the worst burst out, “I love you dad! You have no idea how much I regret not being around these past months. I’ve missed you, I really have. Every night before I go to bed I take out that picture of me and you at the Washing DC art exhibit and I kiss it and tell you I love you.” I paused as another sob escaped my lips.

“Dad, you’re my best friend…I don’t want you to leave me.” The last part came out in a whisper as I stared down at my dad, his eyes drooping more by the second. This couldn’t be happening, was the only thing that kept running through my mind, but it was happening. My father, my best friend was dying right before my eyes all because he had taken the long walk home from his work to purposely pass my house. To try and see his little girl.

“I’ll never leave you Jamie. I’ll always be with you, in your heart.”
His breathing was becoming more and more ragged and I know our time was coming to a close. Very carefully, I bent down to embrace him one last time. I knew he was smiling as he whispered in my ear,

“I love you with all my heart, Jamie baby.”
Those were his last words. He chose to speak those last words to me with his last breath of air.