Learn From Cigarette Burns

Restlessly, I kicked my blankets down to the floor and got up off of my bed so I could pace around my room. It was late, very late. The rest of my family had gone to sleep hours ago but I didn't have that luxury. I couldn't go to sleep because tonight my fiancé, whom I haven't seen in three weeks, was supposed to arrive back home.

He should have been here earlier in the day, but he had called to tell me that they were running behind schedule and didn't expect to be back until late. I told him I didn't have a problem staying up and waiting for him. I didn't realize, however, how late 'late' was.

My fiancé, John O'Callaghan, sings in a band, and these past few weeks, they have been touring with the rest of the bands involved with this years Warped Tour. They've been signed to Fearless Records for a little over a year now, already have an EP out, and are set to release their first full length album soon.

John and I have been engaged for about a year and a half, but we've been together since middle school. I have to admit that when we first started dating in the middle of 8th grade, I wasn't all that into him. At the time dating was supposed to be the 'cool thing to do' so I had agreed to be John's girlfriend when he asked me. I didn't expect it to last until summer vacation, but somehow it did.

I had planned to 'dump' him on the last day of our 8th grade year, just after our graduation ceremony, but when John surprised me with a pretty bouquet of lilies and a platinum charm bracelet, I didn't have the heart to go through with it. That summer, John had a chance to show me how he really was, what he was really like.

I'm glad I gave him that chance because that summer I fell for him, fell harder than I ever thought was imaginable.

Despite what some people say about him, he's a sweetheart, a gentleman, and a big softie. Sure he jokes around from time to time and he can give the impression that he doesn't give a fuck about anything, but the truth is that he holds a lot of respect for me, and for girls in general.

He's a boy, so of course he's going to run his mouth and make references to sex every chance he gets. Throughout high school a lot of people thought that sooner or later I would get knocked up and end up having to do independent studies just because of the way John would joke around. Everyone was under the impression that we fucked like rabbits, and somewhere along the lines, a girl I didn't get along with started some nasty rumors, saying that I was pregnant. Once John heard these rumors, he made it a point to admit aloud that we were still both virgins, and that we planned to remain virgins until after we graduated from high school.

Any rumors that John had knocked me up soon died down, and we were left alone. The irony of the entire situation was that the girl who had started the rumors ended up getting pregnant not long afterwards. What can I say, karma's a bitch.

Like I say, John loved to joke around but clearly our relationship wasn't built on sex like a lot of people's relationships are. Instead, what we had was a relationship built on love and trust, the kind of things that not too many people believe in anymore.

After graduation, John and I had decided to sit out a semester and focus on working before we went back to school. Our plans changed, however, when it came time to enroll in a local JC, and John proposed to me.

It was cute, the way he proposed. As tradition, John and I would decorate my family's Christmas tree; he'd stand on the ground, handing me decorations to hang up while I stood on the ladder, placing them on the tree. After hanging up a particularly difficult ornament, I held out my hand, waiting for John to give me another one. Instead what I got was a black velvet box, the lid pulled back to reveal a shiny diamond ring.

I remember staring at the ring in shock for a good half a minute before I turned my attention to John, my mouth hanging slightly open. Smiling back up at me, he opened his mouth to ask me to marry him; I said 'yes' before he got had a chance to finish his sentence.

After we got engaged, I decided to continue working at the café, while John and some of our friends decided to start up a band. A few of them had been involved in a band before, but they wanted to start new so they recruited John to sing for them. A few months later, someone from Fearless Records found them, and signed them to their label.

So for now our wedding has been put on hold while they tour the country, promoting their music, and do what they love. They have invited me out to tour with them, but I switched from mixing lattés at the café to mixing drinks at a bar not that far from my house, so I didn't have too much vacation time built up.

Undoubtedly, its one of the hardest things I have to do, remain here in Tempe while my fiancé and my friends travel around the states. I miss John like crazy, and although I know I shouldn't have to worry about him remaining faithful to me, I still can't help but wonder 'what if'? Things happen, I know, and people make mistakes.

It's stupid, I know. I've never voiced this stupid thought aloud before to anybody because if it ever got back to John that I'm afraid he's going to cheat on me while he's on tour, he'll think that I don't trust him. Of course, that's not the case, I trust John with my life. It's just ... stupid insecurities that put these thoughts into my head.

Sighing heavily, I pulled my hair up into a messy bun and opened my bedroom door. It took my eyes a couple of seconds to adjust to the darkened hallway, and after I was able to see again, I made my way down the hallway to the kitchen. I pulled the Tupperware filled with spaghetti leftover from dinner, and dumped some into a bowl. I put the Tupperware back into the refrigerator and warmed the spaghetti up in the microwave.

Waiting for my food to warm up, I hopped up, taking a seat on the countertop, and let my legs dangle off the side. Entertaining myself, I wiggled my toes around, causing my silver toenail polish to sparkle in the kitchen light.

"Dee, what are you still doing up?" My dad's deep, soothing voice cut through the quiet room, causing me to look up to where he was standing in the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I'm waiting for John." I said quietly. "I told him to come straight here when he got back."

"Dee," my dad sighed, "why don't you two just get an apartment together? You two are twenty years old, old enough to have your own place."

"John is only nineteen." I corrected him. "We talked about it," I said, "but we haven't had time to look."

My dad nodded his head, and then ran a hand tiredly across his face as he stifled a yawn. "Sweetie, what time is John supposed to get here?"

I shrugged my shoulders and then hopped off of the counter when the microwave rang, signaling that my food was warm. "All he said was that they'd be here late."

"Maybe he just decided to go straight back to his place thinking that it was too late for you to still be up." My dad suggested.

Narrowing my eyes slightly, I turned back to my dad. "He knows better than to do that." I mumbled.

Laughing, my dad held his hands up in defense as if he were afraid I'd snap at him for anymore suggests like that. "Hey, I'm just saying that maybe he was afraid to come over, only to wake you up. He, of all people, knows what a bad idea that is to wake you up." He teased.

"I told him to come straight here, so he'll be here." I insisted.

"Well then, if you insisted he'd be here," my dad said, rolling his eyes in a teasing manner, "I'm sure he'll be here soon. We all know that you have that boy wrapped around your finger."

"I do not." I said defensively.

"Yes, sweetheart, you do." My dad grinned. "When he gets here, tell him that I need his help moving a few things around tomorrow when he gets his energy back."

"Alright, dad." I said softly.

"Alright, Dee, goodnight sweetheart." He said, turning around and making his way back toward the hallway, "don't stay up too late now."

"Goodnight dad." I called after him.

Once he had disappeared into the darkness, I glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and saw that it was now 4:13. Sighing heavily, I grabbed my spaghetti from the microwave, as well as a fork, and went to the living room. I turned on the television, and changed the channel to TNT, where Charmed was playing.

I sat there, eating my food and watching the show for a while before I noticed my driveway light up. Setting my bowl on the coffee table, I jumped up and looked out the window to see a van pulling a small trailer behind it parked in the driveway.

Within seconds, I was outside, running across the lawn in my PJ's to greet John as he emerged from around the side of the van. Giving me a tired smile, he held out his arms to me as I approached, and I jumped into them, hugging him tightly.

"Hey sweetheart," he whispered as he held onto me. "I'm sorry that we got in so late."

"It's fine." I mumbled into his chest. "You're here now."

He pulled away from me a little bit, and leaned over, pressing his lips to mine, giving me a loving kiss. After a few seconds, he pulled away, and then licked his lips. "You taste like spaghetti." He stated, and then grasped my hand tightly.

"I got hungry while I waited for you." I replied. "Do you need help packing your things inside?" I asked.

"Please." He whispered tiredly before leading me around to the other side of the van where the side door was still open. John reached inside, gathering his things, and I peaked inside as well, spotting Garrett in the backseat, still asleep, while Pat sat in the drivers seat.

"Hey Pat." I said softly, not wanting to wake Garrett. "How was Warped Tour?"

He nodded his head as a smile slowly pulled across his lips. "Warped was great." He replied. "We've got lots of stories to tell you." He said. "Later though," he added, stifling a sudden yawn, "I'm running on fumes right now."

"Alright," I grinned, waving a little goodbye to him as I stepped away from the van.

John emerged a little while later a duffle bag slung over his shoulder while he handed another duffle bag to me. He closed the door behind him, and then reached over, taking a hold of my hand to lead me back toward the house. Waving one last time to Pat as he drove away, John and I walked silently into the house. At the front door, John waited for me to close and lock the door behind me before he led me to my bedroom.

Once there, he dropped his duffle bag to the floor, and then released my hand, collapsing onto my bed.

"Are you hungry, babe?" I asked, setting the bag I was carrying gently onto the floor. "Do you want something to eat?"

"I'm starving." He admitted. "I'll have some of that spaghetti you were chowing on earlier."

I nodded my head, "Alright. I'll be right back."

By the time I came back to my room, packing two bowls of spaghetti and a glass of water, John had stripped himself down to his boxers and was sitting on my bed, his back resting against my headboard. Catching sight of me, he gave me a cute smile and patted the spot on my bed beside him, indicating for me to join him. I kicked the door shut behind me and went to the bed, handing him his bowl and the glass of water before I sat down beside him.

Setting the glass down on my bedside table, John carefully balanced his bowl on his lap before he wrapped an arm tightly around my shoulders, holding me as close to him as he could. He leaned over and quickly kissed my forehead before he started to shovel the spaghetti into his mouth. We ate silently, and didn't say a single word to one another until we were both finished with our food.

I gathered our dirty bowls, took them to the kitchen, and came back to my room to see John still wiping his mouth on a tissue he had grabbed from the box sitting next to his glass of water. He expertly tossed it into the small trash can sitting across the room beside my desk and then turned on my lap, giving me light so I could turn off the overhead light.

Soon, John and I were both lying underneath my thin sheet, seeing as how the Arizona nights were too hot for anything else to be covering us. Resting my head on his chest, he let his fingers run slowly across my back while he thought to himself. Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly.

"Since when do you keep a box of tissues beside your bed?" He asked softly, indicating that he probably already knew the answer.

"Since my fiancé started touring." I mumbled.

His hands ceased their motions for a few seconds before they continued. "You cry while I'm away?" He whispered.

"Sometimes," I whispered back, "sometimes it gets too much for me to handle, you being so far away and stuff. Sometimes I can't help but cry."

"I wish you wouldn't cry over me." He mumbled. "I hate it when you cry, more so when I know that I'm the reason why you're crying."

"Its okay if I cry over you, though." I replied.

"How the hell is it okay for you to cry over me?" He asked quizzically. "It's never okay for you to cry, unless it’s tears of happiness."

"It's okay, because I know that you'll cry over me." I mumbled tiredly. "You know the rule; never cry over someone who won't cry over you. I know for a fact that you've cried about me before, so its okay for me to cry over you."

John mumbled a few incoherent words to himself, causing me to turn my brown gaze up to his.

"You're the only person I've ever cried over." He said softly. "Do you know that?"

"Am I worth the tears?" I whispered.

My fiancé nodded his head as he reached up to brush the hairs out of my eyes. "You're worth every single tear, babe."

I scooted up and then kissed his lips softly. I pulled away shortly afterwards and then rested my head back on his chest. "Good," I said quietly, "because you're worth all my tears, too."

With that, either of us fell silent, both of us thinking to ourselves until we fell asleep in one another's arms.