Learn From Cigarette Burns

"And I'm going to have to run down to Phoenix to pick up that sample book for the flower arrangements," Dee told me over the phone, "and I don't know what time I'm gonna be home, so can you do me a favor and pick up something for dinner before you head home?"

"Sure," I replied, "what do you want?"

"Hmm, I don't know." She sighed. "Pizza? Chinese?"

"I'll find something." I said. "I should probably get inside, babe. I'll give you a call later, okay?"

"Alright, I love you."

"I love you too," I mocked softly.

Sighing quietly, I hit the 'end' button on my cell phone, and shoved it into my pocket before I entered the two story house I had been standing in front of for the past five minutes. The air conditioned breeze welcomed me, and I simply stood in the foyer for a while, letting the refreshing air engulf me. After a couple of minutes, though, I heard some impatient voices drifting into the main house from the garage, so I forced myself to leave the cool air, and go into the one part of the house that had no air conditioning.

When I entered the garage, the impatient voices stopped bickering back and forth, and four pairs of eyes turned up in my direction. Slightly caught off guard by this intense attention, I stopped in my tracks, and glanced around quickly. Though there was a good fifteen degrees difference in the temperature between the main house and the garage, I felt the hairs on my arms stick up, and I knew that something was wrong.

"Hey guys," I mumbled, "what's going on?"

Everyone remained silent for a few seconds; some with their eyes now lowered to the ground or turned to each other, while only Kennedy dared to keep his eyes locked on mine. Finally, just when I didn't think anyone was going to speak, Kennedy opened his mouth to speak.

"Pat told us that you invited Dee along on tour with us." He stated.

"Yeah," I replied, "I did, and she's coming with us."

When Kennedy didn't say anything else, I tilted my head to the side, giving him a questioning look.

"Is that a problem?" I asked.

"Well, seeing as how you didn't even talk with us about it first, then yes, I'd say that it is a problem." He retorted.

"Come on, Kennedy," I muttered, "it's no big deal.

"You can't just invite whoever you want to go on tour with us without discussing it with us first, John." He snapped. "Anything that has to do with the band should be decided on by the band. That's the way things have always been and there's no reason why that should stop now."

"Kennedy, it's not like we're talking about me making a deal with another record label, or giving the okay to add a new, permanent member to the band," I told him, "it's just Dee, the girl I've been with since the 8th grade."

"Yeah, I know who she is, John," he retorted, "But that still doesn't give you the right to just invite her along. We have other people who need to come with us too, you know, it's not like we have an unlimited amount of space in our van."

"Come on, Kennedy, we have like, what? One guitar tech?" I asked. "I'm sure that if we asked her, Dee would be more than willing to help us with the merch. So what the fuck is the problem?"

Kennedy narrowed his eyes at me in annoyance before he replied, "the problem is that you always just go off and do something, and assume that it'll be cool with us. Before now, it's been little things, but they're starting to build up, and it's starting to piss us off."

"Honestly, Kennedy, it looks like you're the only one who's pissed off at the moment." I pointed out, with anger of my own starting to boil up inside of me.

"Fuck off, John," Kennedy growled, "you've always been a cocky son of a bitch, you know that?"

I felt my fists ball up involuntarily at my sides, and I mustered all the self control I could so that I wouldn't hit him.

"Whatever Kennedy," I snapped, "I don't have to stand around here and listen to this shit. I'm leaving." I said, turning around and heading toward the door.

"Well don't fucking come back until you've pulled your head out of your ass." Kennedy replied.

Stopping in my tracks, I turned around and pictured myself walking back over and shoving his face through Pat's snare drum. I figured that if I imagined it in my head, I wouldn't go over and do it in real life.

"You don't have to worry about me coming back; I fucking quit." I informed him, and then turned around, exiting the garage without waiting for anybody's response.

Within a matter of seconds, I was in my car, and driving down the street with no particular destination in mind. I gripped the steering wheel tightly as the anger pulsed through me, my grip so firm that my knuckles turned white. With the conversation between me and Kennedy running over and over again in my mind, none of it seemed to make sense. I don't know exactly what Kennedy's problem was; I know that he said it was because I did shit without talking to them first, but that's a lie. This is the only time I've ever decided upon something without their okay. There was something else going on, but honestly, at the moment, I don't care to find out what it is.

Like I said, I quit.

I don't need to be involved in a mess like this, when I could be at home with the girl I loved. I love music, but I love my fiancé more.

Before I realized where I was, I found myself at a park not too far from my house. Having no other real destination, I parked my car and killed the engine before I got out. I took my phone out of my pocket and hid it in my center console before I started walking.

The anger that had been pulsing through me subsided little by little as the cool, refreshing breeze ran across my bare arms. With each pass the wind took, it felt as if it stripped away a layer of anxiety from me.

Soon, I found myself at the edge of a little pond and then decided to have a seat underneath the shade of a large maple tree. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I folded my arms on top of them and then looked out across the placid surface. At the moment, my life was no where near as smooth as the water before me, but now that I was out of the band, perhaps I would be able to work out the rough spots.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, millions upon millions of thoughts running through my mind. I hadn't realized until that moment that I hadn't really had any time to sit down and just think to myself, without one of the guys calling to talk to me about band stuff, or without Dee asking me about some other details for our wedding. It seems that not that long ago I had all the time in the world where I could just sit back and lose myself in my mind, but I've come a long way since then.

I was vaguely away of the footsteps approaching from behind me, but I had assumed that they would just keep walking past me so I didn't turn to inspect the intruder. When a figure appeared in my peripheral vision, though, I looked up and was surprised to see Katie Jenkins, the girl who grew up across the street from me, and was a year older than me and Dee.

"Hey Johno." She greeted me with a bright smile. "Your mom told me you were back in town, but I haven't seen you since. How's it going?"

"Hey Katie," I said quietly, "honestly right now, things aren't going so great."

Her smile soon morphed into a frown, and she pointed to the ground, asking if it was okay for her to take a seat. I simply nodded my head and then looked back out to the pond.

"What's wrong, Johno?" She questioned. "Is everything okay between you and Dee?"

"Yes," I replied, "things between me and Dee are great," I said with a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "But ... I just had a fight with the guys, which resulted in me quitting and walking out on them."

"It must have been bad, for you to have quit."

"I don't know," I muttered, "it was Kennedy really. He got pissed because I asked Dee to come out on tour with us without talking to them first. So, that turned into a mouth fight, and he was really pissing me off so I told them I quit."

"Did you mean it?" Katie whispered.

"I think so," I said slowly. "It's just ... if that's how he was going to treat me, I would rather be with Dee, planning our wedding, you know?"

Katie muttered a few incoherent words under her breath, causing me to look over to her. Seeing my eyes on her, she sighed quietly and adverted her eyes to her hands.

"I don't know, Johno. I only know probably 25% of what really happened, so I can't honestly say that I know where you're coming from, or that you did the right thing." She said truthfully. "But, I know you guys, and I know that you care about them a lot. You guys have hit many bumps before that you've worked through. True, none of you guys have actually ever really quit before, but, perhaps you guys can work through this one too."

"Maybe," I mumbled.

"I'd hope you would find a way to work through it; you guys are probably the most exciting things to come out of Tempe for a while now. I'd hate to see you guys fall apart now, simply because Kennedy is sounding a bit jealous."

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly before running a hand warily across my face. "Yeah," I agreed, "you're probably right."

"Don't sound so glum about it, Johno; if I hadn't pointed it out, Dee most certainly would have." Katie said with a half joking smile.

"That girl," I whispered, "by now someone probably would have called her up and told her about what happened. She's probably pissed at me for pulling that stunt."

"You did it with her in mind, though." Katie reminded me.

"I know, but Dee," I hesitated slightly, looking for the right words to explain her, "she's always hated to see me quit anything. This is the biggest thing I've ever been a part of, so she's bound to be really pissed at me."

At my words, Katie laughed loudly in amusement and then nodded her head. "She keeps you in line, O'Callaghan." She told me. "Be grateful."

"Oh, believe me, I am." I assured her.

"If you're right about her already finding out about you quitting, you'd better get home, Johno." Katie insisted. "Straighten things out before she comes over and skins your ass."

Unable to help myself, I laughed softly and then nodded. Standing to my feet, I dusted myself off and then looked down at Katie.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"No problem, Johno," she smiled, "it was good seeing you again, even if it was to council you through your shit," she teased.

"Dee's been talking about having a house warming party sometime; you should come over." I said.

"Give me a call and I'll be there."

"Alright, see you later Katie." I said, and then made a move to leave, but the sound of Katie calling my name again stopped me. Looking back at her, I gave her a questioning look.

"One last thing, O'Callaghan. While you were gone, I saw Lance try to make a move for Dee at a party. Of course she told him to beat it, but according to David, he had been very persistent while you were away." Katie bit her lip slightly, and then frowned to herself before she continued. "I'm not trying to start shit or anything, but I just figured you should know, you know, just to keep an eye out for him."

"Oh," I said offhandedly, "well ... thanks for letting me know." I said. "I'll talk to Dee about it later."

"Don't you run off and give her any shit now, O'Callaghan," Katie threatened. "She made it clear that she wasn't interested in Lance. If you have to talk to anyone about it, you need to talk to Lance."

"Alright," I mumbled, "thanks Katie."

After that, we bid each other farewell, and I hurried back to my car. As soon as I got inside, I pulled my cell phone out and saw that I had a handful of voicemails from either Dee, or the guys - not including Kennedy. I listened to Dee's voicemails first, and felt my heart drop slightly when I heard how upset she was with me.

Without listening to the rest of my voicemails, I tossed my phone aside and then took off back to Pat's house where were supposed to have had practice that day. As I slowed to a stop in front of his house, I glanced at the clock and saw that it had nearly been two hours since I had announced I had quit.

Frowning to myself, I killed the engine and got out to quickly make my way into the house. At the garage door, I paused slightly, listening to see if I could hear any voices within the garage, but all I heard was indistinguishable words. Clearing my throat, I opened the door and stepped inside, only to be welcomed in the same fashion as I had earlier. Glancing around, I saw Garrett and Jared standing across the way with their cell phones pressed to their ears, while Pat had remained seated behind his drum kit, and Kennedy sat on the couch, neither talking to nor looking at anyone.

Sighing heavily, I made my way toward him and came to a stop a few feet in front of where he sat.

"Kennedy," I said, "you're one of my best friends. I admit that it wasn't fair of me to ask Dee to come with us, but then again, it wasn't fair of you to lie and say I do these sorts of things all the time because we all know that I don't."

Without looking at me, Kennedy simply nodded his head. "You're right," he muttered, "I'm sorry, Johno."

Not really having expected Kennedy to apologize so easily, I stood there, staring at him as the awkward silence settled around us.

"I'm sorry, too." I finally said. "But ... it would really mean a lot if Dee could come with us during this tour. Like I said, she'd probably be more than willing to help us out."

"It's okay with me," Kennedy sighed.

"Us too!" Garrett called from behind me.

Nodding my head, I breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay then," I mumbled. "Let's get this practice going; we're heading out in three days."

Muttering their responses, we all headed off to get our things in order. As I played with my microphone, I couldn't help but gaze across the way and watch Kennedy as he plugged his guitar in. I knew that there was still something else on his mind, but I would have to wait for a better time to ask him about it. For the time being we had to focus on our upcoming tour.