Insanity at Its Finest

There is a vast difference between loving someone, and being in love. For example, I love my father, who is practically never home; but will always be my father regardless. He provides for me, considering I’m his only child; but that still counts. He’s a well-known lawyer. The best of the best, as they say around town…but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s involved in shady business; right? I love my mother, even if she is a conniving bitch. I’ve learned to tolerate her throughout the years and when she opens her mouth, I know it’s time to leave the room. My mother isn’t the type to look up to. She’s a whore, as much as it pains me to say it. She’s only with my father for his money. I’m not the only one who knows it. I love my Nana; her many years and knowing eyes don’t faze me at all. She’s my backbone and the only person I know who won’t sugar coat things for me. I love Molly, my best friend…my only best friend. We were raised together, and grew up like sisters. I sometimes like to think we are. I love Marko, the handsome tutor of four years. Being home-schooled, Marko was a necessary asset in my life; but we grew a fond chemistry over the years.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. I love all of these people for different reasons. They hold a place in my heart, but not one of them has all of my heart. No one did for a long time because I didn’t understand the meaning of being in love. It isn’t something they teach in school. I can’t take a class, learn it and then automatically know it. No. Love is like life. You have to experience it for yourself. Even then, you can’t fully understand. It’s complicated, love is… Not for the weak-minded. Not for the gullible. Not for the naïve and immature. Love messes with you. It messes with your head to the point of no return. Love is scary, vulgar, and temperamental. Love is all these things because that’s how one can make it. These are all of the cons.

Of course, there are pros, like in most situations. Love can be sweet and tender. 'Love is like oxygen; love…lifts is up where we belong. All you need is love!' The unforgettable quote still sings in my head.

It’s wrong. I lived fairly well without love; I should be able to do it again. But once you’ve experienced it, you can’t let it go.

I obviously didn’t know this back when my heart was still vulnerable and innocent. If I had, I wouldn’t have made such a rash decision. I wouldn’t have become so involved. I wouldn’t have let love go because I was trying to protect myself. I was scared. I’m not a coward, but love frightens me to no end. Why? Well, it’s a complicated story. A story you’re soon to find out.

I was in love once.

It sounds so cheesy and childish to say, but even in my young-adulthood, I knew it was true. He was someone I hated for all of the right reasons and he was someone who hated me for all of the wrong ones; but somehow, with all of the hate that we had, we still fell in love. Undoubtedly, irrevocably, inevitably...in love.