Eat My Heart Out

The kiss between me and Frank only lasted 5 minutes. The exam I had right after that seemed shorter than our kiss.

Once all the papers have been collected and the teachers are pleased with our silence, we’re let out of the room. I’ve already gathered all my supplies, but when I start packing it into my backpack, it’s hard.

I’m trembling.

I quickly stuff if all down my bag – not caring how it lands or if anything breaks – and rush out of the room along with all the others.

As I walk down the hall, I become more and more aware of my own body. I can’t breathe right. My breaths are shaky and uneven, and my chest and stomach feel like they weight a thousand pounds. Said feeling slowly starts seeping down my body, and soon my feet feel like led.

I get to my locker and lift my shaky hand. I have to focus hard on controlling my hand so I won’t miss the numbers for my combination, and at the same time I have to control my breathing so I won’t suddenly pass out.

I start feeling slightly lightheaded, and once my locker is open I grab onto a shelf and close my eyes.

Breathe in deep.

Breathe out slow.

Breathe in deep, down into my stomach.

Breathe out slow.

I open my eyes and quickly glance around me to see if anyone’s staring. After all, seemingly sleeping in your locker is a little odd after an exam.

I start taking my math-things out of my backpack, finding that I broke nothing.

My stomach rumbles. I blame it on hunger. After all, it is lunch.

I stop my shaky hand from reaching for my geography book.

It’s lunch.

I quickly toss my bag into the locker, slam it shut and walk towards the canteen. I stuff my hands in my pockets, feeling a five and ten dollar bill scratching against my fingers on my right. I dig deeper to find a penny in the same pocket, while I feel the smooth surface of a condom wrapper in my left pocket. I smirk to myself as I get in line.

It’s actually been a while since Frank and I did anything. We kiss and make out and stuff, but it’s been a while since we’ve done anything beyond that. And I like that. It makes the times we actually do something more special. And more intense.

I take a step forward when the guy in front of me does. I bet he’s not getting any. He doesn’t look like a geek, but he’s definitely not a jock either. He’s just one of those invisible people you can’t place. I bet he doesn’t get bullied like I did my first year. I bet he doesn’t beat people up or get laughed at for answering the questions in class. He’s just the kind of guy that goes unnoticed.

He takes a step forward and I look away from the back of his head. I stare out at the crowd. The entire canteen is split up into groups – “cliques” as the media likes to call them.

The guy takes a step forward and I follow, not bothering taking one of the trays that are next to me. I’m perfectly capable of carrying a bottle of water, two sandwiches and whatever else I find appealing. Something I’m not capable of is putting a tray near a trashcan by the exits. You’re supposed to do that, and while I probably could if I wanted, I don’t wanna.

I take a step forward and grab two wrapped-up sandwiches from the basket beside me. While I do, I notice that I’m not trembling anymore. It’s odd how a bit of crowd-analysis calms me down. Another thing that’s odd is that during the 1½ hour exam, I didn’t think about anything but the time and the math-problems in front of me. We were allowed to have something to drink and eat with us, but I didn’t touch my cola or my candy.

I take a step forward and grab a water from the fridge.

I guess I was too stressed to be nervous. Or perhaps even too nervous to be nervous. I knew that I didn’t have a lot of time, so all other thoughts and feelings just flew out the window.

I guess it’s a good quality to have – to sorta just shut off when you’re in an important situation. I wonder if I’d be any good in a crisis. Like if the guy in front of me suddenly fell to the ground and vomited blood, would I be able to stay calm and help him? Perhaps take charge?

“12 dollars and 90 cents,” the annoying lunch lady says and I pull the money out of my right pocket. I look down at my hands for a seconds to see why it would cost that much. Each sandwich is only 3 dollars, and the water costs 2. Without even realizing it, I’ve apparently picked up two packs of skittles and a muffin.

I quickly give the lady the money, wait for my change and then get out of the line. I shrug off my confusion and look out at the crowd. I look at every table on the right on the long canteen. We usually sit there, unless all the tables are taken, so when I don’t see anyone I know and there are two free tables, I go and sit at one of them.

“Gerard!” I jump at the sudden loud noise entering my ear, and I look up to see Ray’s face very close to mine. He pulls away and grins at me.
“You’re fucking deaf, you know that?” I frown at him as he sits down opposite of me.
“I called you from the other end of the line, but you didn’t hear squat.” I smile at him.

“Sorry. I was kinda lost in my thoughts, you know?” He waves a hand at me.

“Yeah, it’s cool. So, how did the exam go?” he asks before he takes a big bite out of his apple. I look down and start opening the wrapper.

“Too fast.”

“Huh?” Ray asks with his mouth full.

“I just didn’t feel like I had enough time.” I look up at Ray to see him make an ‘oh’-face, before he swallows down.

“How much of it did you make?” I’m about to take a bite of my sandwich, but stop to think before I can answer.

“I have no idea,” I say honestly, before I take a bite. I think about all the pieces of paper, but I honestly have no idea how far I got. I know I flipped the pages a lot, but I have no idea how many, or how many pages there were left when we were told to stop and put down our pencils.

I think I kinda cheated there, but then again; they said nothing about erasers. So, me erasing a wrong number doesn’t exactly count as cheating.

I look up at Ray to break my train of thought.

“How about you?” I ask and take another bite.

Ray shrugs.

“Alright, I guess,” Ray says and looks down. He opens his sandwich and wraps the apple core up in it. He eats incredibly fast.

I randomly look up when I take a bite of my sandwich, and just then Frank walks through the doors at the very end of the canteen with a huge Tupperware box in his hands that is filled with all the colors of the rainbow – his project from last night. I smile while I’m still chewing, and when Frank’s eyes catch mine, he smiles right back, only with his mouth wide open.

I manage to swallow down my food just before Frank’s lips land on mine – before his butt has even touched the seat. I kiss back, and while I do, everything fades. The last bit of nerves that have been going crazy in my gut settle down, the awful smell of coleslaw and sanitizer leaves my nose alone and the sound of Ray’s loud chewing almost disappears completely.

Even when Frank pulls away to sit down next to me, he’s still all I notice.

“Hi,” he says softly, sounding kinda in a daze. I grin goofily and repeat his exact words in the exact same voice. He copies my grin.

“Alright, back to the food, people.” Stupid Mikey and his stupid penetrating voice.

I pull away from Frank, wondering if Mikey’s ever fucked Alicia with his voice.

Phone sex.

I snort a laugh and everyone cock an eyebrow at me, but I just shake my head, smile and look down at Frank’s mountain of colorful food.