Eat My Heart Out

Turns out it’s later than I thought. It’s already 12:30. But it doesn’t really matter, seeing as it’s Sunday. Also, me, Frankie and Mikey were up late last night, so it’s good to get a good night’s sleep.

It also means that we’re all gonna go to bed late tonight and only get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before we have to get up and go to school, but we’ll live.

We’re young. We can handle it.

I put the coffee pot back where it belongs and turn around to get the milk.

I almost scream.

“Frankie! You scared the sh-“ He places his lips on mine and silences me abruptly. When I finally get around to realizing his lips are on mine, they’re gona before I can kiss them back.

Frank pulls away and smirks lazily at me.

“Morning,” he mumbles, before he reaches around me for his mug of coffee. He takes a sip.

“Don’t you want milk?” I ask. He just shrugs, smiles at me and turns to walk over to the table where I placed the pancakes and sips once more.

I go to take the milk out of the fridge. Even if he doesn’t want it, I do. Coffee is just too strong Saturday and Sunday mornings. On weekdays, morning coffee can’t get strong enough.

As I walk toward the table, I smile at the sight of Frank. His back is facing me, but by his position it’s easy to tell that he’s cradling the hot mug of coffee close to his chest while he’s got his feet as close to his ass as possible.

Just a month ago, he’d never do that – put his feet up on the furniture. Even though we all did it, he just felt awkward and disrespectful if he put his feet on anything but the floor or a bed.

Now, he’s settled in. He still asks if it’s okay if he makes a pot of coffee or if he can borrow my mom’s hairdryer, but he’s less timid about it. About everything, really. Like just now, when he kissed me. He’s become so confident. I admire him for that. I admire how he’s – within just a month – grown so self-assured and open, despite his past.

But only at home. In school, he’s still incredibly shy, quiet and timid. He mostly keeps to himself and our small group. He never talks to any of his classmates and he hates group work.

But once he’s home, he barely gives a shit about anything. Except us, of course.

“The pancakes are great,” Frank says before he stuffs another bite into his mouth. I smile up at him.

“Don’t you think so?” Frank asks. A month ago, he would’ve been unsure and doubtful. Now, he’s confident and almost pushy.

I nod insistently.

Sometimes I hate my own thoughts – my own wishes.

Sometimes I wish I could go back – just for an hour or two – and sit down with the old Frank. Don’t get me wrong, I love Frankie no matter what. I might even love him more now that he’s confident. But I still miss the old Frank sometimes. The Frank that needed protection and reassurance.

The Frank that needed me.

The Frank that distracted me.

I pour the milk into my coffee and quickly take a sip. I pour in a bit more milk.

“Are you nervous about your SATs?” The three letters immediately set off an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I hate that feeling. The feeling of nerves, excitement, fear and a promise of responsibility that I’m not ready for – all boiling together in my stomach and chest and makes it hard to breathe for a second.

I shrug.

“Have you decided on a college yet? A major?” The feeling grows.

I think morning is the time of day where I miss the old Frank the most – the quiet Frank. I’ve never been a morning-person. It usually takes me at least 2 hours to actually wake up and become human, no matter what time of day it is. If I wake up at 8pm after a nap, I won’t be human until 10pm.

Frank; he’s always awake, chatty and energetic.

I shake my head.

“Why not?” Frank asks before he stuffs the last of his pancake into his mouth, then pushes away the empty plate. He leans back in his chair as he chews, his heels still digging into his ass and his eyes looking directly at me.

“I just think I’m gonna take a break from school for a while.” Frank’s eyebrows jump up and down once.

“Just live my own life by my own rules, you know? Not have people tell me what to do or want.” Frank’s mouth speaks a silent ‘oh’, before his gaze falls down.

It’s times like these that I really love. I love Frank all the time, but at times like these where I feel needed again are the times that I treasure like gold.

I feel the same familiar smile creep onto my lips, urged on by the tickling feeling in my stomach. Suddenly the air around me seems softer, warmer and sweeter, and the sound of the humming fridge fades away.

I get out of my chair and walk over to Frank. I lean down, place my hands on his knees and my forehead on his. He looks up high and looks me in the eye.

“And not have people keep me from spending time with you.” It takes a second or two, but when they’ve passed, a small smile appears on Frank’s gorgeous lips. The smile is hesitant to reach his eyes, but once it does, it melts me.

I lean in to kiss him. When he’s about to kiss back, I pull away – just to tease him.

“I love you.” He smiles widely and his eyes glisten with happiness.

“I love you too.”