‹ Prequel: Skin and Bones
Status: Hiatus
Eat My Heart Out
Focus
I sit by myself and stare out the window. I was allowed not to go to therapy today. The nurse said I looked like someone who could use some rest. The thing is, I can't sleep, so I can't get any rest, even if I try.
I was given some paper and a pencil. They actually left me alone with those items. I guess I just look tired, not suicidal.
Not that I am. I couldn't kill myself. I don't really want to, but then, in a way, I do. I can't really explain it. It's like I just want to end it and start over, but I know I can't do that if I kill myself, but I just don't see any other way. But no matter what, then I couldn't do that to my family. Even though, for a while at least, it seemed like Frank was my entire life and only reason for living, then I still have my family. I always did. And I can't let them down. I can't leave them. I can't hurt them like that.
I know I've already hurt them by needing to be sent here, but I can make that up to them. I just need to get better.
I just have no idea how to do that.
I don't know how to help Frank either.
Shit.
I promised myself I'd stop thinking those thoughts. I'm trying hard to forget him and just help myself, but I just can't get him out of my head! Every time I try to think of ways to help myself, I think of him.
Maybe I just need some distance from him, focus on myself and try not to play the goddamn hero all the time.
I can't save him. I'm not a hero.
I'm no one important. I'm just me; just a young man who needs to find a way to get back on track.
-----
I eat my dinner with great focus. I don't even know if Frank is in the dining hall at all, but if he is, I don't want to look at him. I need to help myself first and foremost.
I just can't get him out of my head. I keep straightening my back, brushing a hand through my hair and looking just somewhat pretty as I eat; just in case he's watching me.
I don't need his approval anymore! I don't need him to look at me! I don't need his help! I don't need to help him in order to help myself! I don't need him!
I was given some paper and a pencil. They actually left me alone with those items. I guess I just look tired, not suicidal.
Not that I am. I couldn't kill myself. I don't really want to, but then, in a way, I do. I can't really explain it. It's like I just want to end it and start over, but I know I can't do that if I kill myself, but I just don't see any other way. But no matter what, then I couldn't do that to my family. Even though, for a while at least, it seemed like Frank was my entire life and only reason for living, then I still have my family. I always did. And I can't let them down. I can't leave them. I can't hurt them like that.
I know I've already hurt them by needing to be sent here, but I can make that up to them. I just need to get better.
I just have no idea how to do that.
I don't know how to help Frank either.
Shit.
I promised myself I'd stop thinking those thoughts. I'm trying hard to forget him and just help myself, but I just can't get him out of my head! Every time I try to think of ways to help myself, I think of him.
Maybe I just need some distance from him, focus on myself and try not to play the goddamn hero all the time.
I can't save him. I'm not a hero.
I'm no one important. I'm just me; just a young man who needs to find a way to get back on track.
-----
I eat my dinner with great focus. I don't even know if Frank is in the dining hall at all, but if he is, I don't want to look at him. I need to help myself first and foremost.
I just can't get him out of my head. I keep straightening my back, brushing a hand through my hair and looking just somewhat pretty as I eat; just in case he's watching me.
I don't need his approval anymore! I don't need him to look at me! I don't need his help! I don't need to help him in order to help myself! I don't need him!
♠ ♠ ♠
I am so sorry, you won't even believe it.It's been 3½ months, and I am so sorry!
And I'm even more sorry, because I'm gonna be a bit busy for the next 6 weeks. But I really hope that I can find a bit of time now and then to write and update. I just wrote this chappy, and it made me relax like nothing else can, so I'm probably gonna need a break once in a while.
I know I let you down by leaving. I'm so sorry. I really do hope you still have faith in me and this story, and that you will stick around and continue reading.
Again; I'm so sorry.