Eat My Heart Out

“Frank, remember me.” Gerard said that. But to me. I'm not me.

It's a dream.

“You promised never to leave me.” I'm looking at myself. I walk over to me and try to understand what...I mean.

“You didn't look out for me,” I say. I bend forward and grab my stomach – Frank's stomach. It hurts, but I can't feel it. I look down and see that the skin is blue and purple, and I look up at myself – the Gerard in the dream – and am about to ask for help.

“You lied to me.” Gerard's eyes look at me with hate, resentment and disgust.
“You hated me.” I can't breathe. I gasp for air, but can't get any oxygen into my lungs.

“I just wanted you to see me,” I say, falling to my knees. I keep looking up at him. His eyes change, but I can't see them clearly anymore – I'm too far away.

“I see you.”

I open my eyes. I'm in the bed at the clinic, just a few rooms away from Frank and still so fucking far away from him.

I sob. I sit up and bury my face in my hands and my hands in the sheets. I sob loudly as I draw my knees up to cave in my head. Only the top of my head is unprotected as I sob loudly and shake all over.

He's so far away from me, and I'm so alone.

-----

He can't help it.

He thought I hated him – he still thinks I do. He hurt himself. He tried to be so obvious, but I was too blind to see anything but myself. I want him to be okay, but I can't even be okay myself.

But I can't be okay without him. And he can't be okay, unless I'm okay. We need each other.

We can't be apart.