Eat My Heart Out

I pull away from him and our eyes meet. I stare into his. It scares me how dead they look, but they're there. They're looking at me. And there's a tiny hint of a spark. It's almost non-existent, but it's there. I can see it. He still feels something.

The spark reminds me of the way he used to look at me. The adoration and care and love he used to have in his eyes when he looked into mine. I hope I had the same look – the same spark. I hope I have it in my eyes now. I hope he sees it from now on.

I hope he sees how much I love him; how much I care about him and how much I wish I could take every one of his pains in his life away from him and suffer through them myself. I wish I could take away the pain I gave him; the pain his mom caused him; the pain his dad never knew he gave him. I never want him to hurt ever again.

I'll hurt for him.

And I did. I hurt for him. He hurt me, but really; I took some pain away from him. When he said he hated me, I took his pain. He became frustrated and gave the pain to me instead – just not all of it.

But now, it seems that he's taking it back. Even though I'm trying to keep it – by saying I hate myself – he's taking it back.

He doesn't hate me.

But I wish he would just say those three words.

“Why did you ignore me?” he asks suddenly. I frown at first, until my brain has absorbed the question. Why did I ignore him? Why didn't I listen? What was it that made me so...so selfish and ego-centered and...ignorant?

I barely even know. I just...I started to worry. School was over, and I had nowhere to go. Ray had plans all summer and Mikey and Frankie was just gonna enjoy the summer, because he knew he had to go back to school when it was over. But I had nowhere to go.

I knew I chose not to apply for any schools, but I never knew I'd be this lost. I never knew I would feel so...empty, just because I didn't have something destined for me. It was as if my life suddenly stopped. There was nothing pushing it forward. I didn't have a tread wheel to run around in anymore. I didn't have anything to do. It all just felt...over. Done with.

And so I pushed him away. I didn't mean to, but while everything felt gone and...pointless, I guess I pushed everything away. I guess I just didn't want anything near me, because...

Why?

Was I afraid to make decisions? Was I afraid of losing him?

Perhaps that was it. I had already lost everything else, it seemed. I felt like I, myself, was lost – like I suddenly didn't belong anywhere anymore.

So maybe I felt like I didn't belong with Frankie. Like I wasn't worthy to be with him. Or I didn't feel at home with him.

But I did. Whenever I was with him, I didn't think. That was the thing that I loved most – just being with him. Because when I did, I didn't worry. It didn't matter. School. Job. Future – it didn't matter when I had Frankie near me. Whether I was in his arms or he were in mine; it didn't matter. He was near me, and nothing else was.

So why did I push him away?

Because he asked me about everything? Because he wanted to know what I was thinking?

The thing was, I wasn't. I wasn't thinking anything when he was near me. I wasn't thinking.

Maybe that's why I never noticed that I pushed him away. I wasn't thinking. I might have heard him talk, but I didn't think about it. My brain didn't process it, because it wasn't working. It refused to work when I was with him. It went on strike when Frankie was near. When he wasn't, I was stressed.

“I was stressed,” I say out loud. I focus on Frankie's eyes and see that they've gone sad – hopeless, almost. I forgot to talk. I thought too much.

I used to forget to think, and now, I think too much.

I'm so... I just can't... I'm... lost. Confused. Unable to draw conclusions. I'm...something indescribable.

“I never meant to push you away,” I say, deciding to just open up and say what I think. I can't draw any conclusions, but maybe Frankie can; if I just tell him everything that's going on in my head.
“I didn't know I was pushing you away. I didn't know what I was doing. When I was with you, I just kinda shut off. I didn't think about anything. I was so stressed out all the time that when I was finally able to shut everything out, I did. I didn't listen to you, because I just shut everything out. You were the only thing that relaxed me. You were the only one who could make me forget about how...how lost and useless I felt all the time and how hopeless it all felt.”

I felt hopeless...

“I just felt like the entire world was crumbling around me. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I almost felt...I felt...alone.”

Why did I feel alone?

Think out loud, Gerard! Let Frankie help; let him hear.

“Why did I feel alone? I had you. I always had you. I knew I could just go to you and talk, but when I was with you, I just...turned off. I just. I.”

I what?

I turned off. I didn't listen.

“I didn't listen. I didn't think. I didn't see anything. I didn't... I didn't feel.”

I look down. I look down at my hands in my lap. I look down in shame.

“I forgot to feel. I forgot to look into your eyes and feel like the world didn't matter, as long as I had you.”

I shut my eyes and shake my head. It's such a cliché, but it's the only thing I can formulate.

“Nothing mattered except from you, so when I looked into your eyes, I forgot it all. That's why I never told you. That's why I didn't talk to you about it. My brain just refused to think about it when I was around you, but then, I never got it out. It just stayed inside of me and kept building and building and I couldn't stop it. When I wasn't with you, I just got more and more frustrated and lost and annoyed and fucking...alone. I was so alone. And I couldn't stop it.”

I sniffle and wipe away a tear.

“I just became so alone. And even though I still had you, the loneliness just took over. I forgot to feel. I... Maybe I was even afraid to. I was afraid to feel, because the only thing I felt was...lost. I was lost. Just...lost.”

It's the only goddamn word I can think of to describe that hollow fucking feeling I had in my gut; the feeling I still have. It's like someone has dug a hole in my stomach with a fucking power shovel. I feel so empty. So...lost.

The word lost doesn't seem like enough to describe that hollow feeling, but it's the only word I can think of. It's even starting to lose its meaning to me, but it's the only word I can find.

“I pushed you away,” I say, my voice trembling, making the words almost inaudible.
“I lost you,” I sob out, burying my head in my hands.

And this time, it's my turn to flinch as Frankie wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. Even though his brittle bones scare me, I still hug him back. I wrap my arms loosely around him and let him hold me close. I let him comfort me.

I let him in again.

I trust him again.