Eat My Heart Out

I don’t know why her reactions hurt so much now.

Maybe it’s because I feel like it’s actually my fault.

The drinking, I never deemed as my fault. I was never the one to buy the booze. I didn’t drink it because I could, but because I had to. I had no choice.

My grades are something I can change. I don’t have to, but I can if I really try. My grades; my fault.

Or maybe it just hurts because I’m sober.

I turn over onto my side and beat my pillow a few times to get comfortable. I stare through the dark over at the door, almost expecting someone to come through it to save me.

From what? I don’t know.

Why? I don’t know.

How?

Bert used to come through that door.

I close my eyes

I shouldn’t think like that. Bert brought no good.

My eyes won’t stay shut.

But at the same time, he brought all good. The things he brought made everything better, at least until I woke up again.

I close my eyes and turn onto my other side. I keep my eyes closed this time. I need to fall asleep. I’ve got my first exam tomorrow – my first chance of screwing up. I’ve got an hour and a half to screw up any grade I’ve “earned” this year.

I turn onto my back.

I don’t remember the equation for the area of a circle.

I open my eyes.

I can’t sleep. I can’t fucking sleep! I can’t fucking just close my eyes and just fucking sleep! I can’t! I can’t fucking do it!

With one, sudden movement, I’m sitting up with my face in my hands.

I feel like screaming. I can’t sleep. I need to sleep, but I can’t. It’s all too much. My thoughts take over every time I try.

I sit still with my face buried in my hands. The room is completely silent.

I’m so fucked right now. I can’t sleep, I’m gonna flunk out of high school, I’ll never go to college, I’m never gonna be anything. I’m screwed. I’m a fuck-up. I’m a complete and utter failure. I can’t function right without feeling in control. Having someone to take care of makes me feel in control. It makes me feel safe to keep someone safe and cared for, and yet; I can’t even take care of myself. The only way I can take care of myself is by ignoring myself. How the fuck does that work?

My alarm clock clicks as a minute has gone by.

I need to sleep.

I lift my head out of my hands, my legs out of my bed and my feet onto the floor. I quietly but quickly walk out of my room and up the stairs to the kitchen. I carefully open the fridge so the glass bottles in the door won’t make too much noise.

They make none.

I take out the milk, take a swig and put it back, before I take the juice and do the same. I swirl it around in my mouth to mix it up, before I slowly start swallowing it.

After that, I just stare into the fridge and let my mind cool down like the food inside. When it becomes too cold to keep standing there, I walk over to the sink and fill up the glass I drank from at dinner. I turn and lean against the tabletop and stare down into the water.

So many thoughts are swirling through my head, but the main thought that keeps returning is the thought that I need something to distract me.

I need something to calm me down.