Beautiful Deception

I've been rejected a lot in life, when I really think about it. I've been left a lot. One example, my mom for instance. Dumped me on the steps of an orphanage, just left me there. At least I was a baby though, I couldn't feel the full effect of the pain of being left. Well, not until I grew older, but at least it had dulled down by then.

But now, now I've just experienced the worst kind of abandonment. Nick left me lying there in the room with Brian only a few feet away, claiming he had some things to think about. I know that I'm not a virgin because of Jack, but I feel like I gave Nick my virginity. Maybe I felt that way because I actually wanted Nick to have it, whereas Jack took it by force. I'd always wanted Nick to have it. Well, now he has it figuratively and he just leaves me.

And to top it all off, there's Brian. How he can say all those horrible things and just compliment me on something I don't want him to even realize, I don't all. All I know is that I just want him gone. Nick's gone because of him, and now I want him to dissappear too.

"What are you doing all the way over there?" Brian asks teasingly as I curl up in a ball as far away from him on the bed as possible. "There's really nothing more I can do to you, right? I mean, clearly you've done it all."

I let out a tortured sob. What Brian said really hurt. I'm not a whore. Just because he knows that I lost my virginity to a guy other than Nick doesn't mean I'm just another girl, who sleeps around. That is probably the worst assumption anyone has ever made.

"What did I say?" Brian questions, recoiling his outstretched hand.

Is he really that stupid? Does he ever think that his words might have a negative effect on the person he's speaking to?

"I'm not a whore," I choke out through my tears. "So, don't treat me like one."

Brian just blinks at me. You know, that single blink that someone gives a person, who they think has just said something retarded.

"I never said you were." Brian shrugs. "I'm just saying you've got experience. I don't know if it's a lot, but I do know it's more than Nick has."

I know hearing Nick's name would usually cause my stomach to erupt with butterflies. But, now I feel sick. You know, those previous butterflies I talked about, they just sort of dropped dead. And their dead weight is putting pressure on me and weighing me down. Regardless, Brian is more or less right. In a sense, I am more experienced thatn Nick is. But, I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel any better.

Brian pats me on the shoulder and I flinch away from his touch. "You've really got to stop that whole flinching thing," he tells me with an annoyed sigh. I want to tell him to fuck off because I could care less what he thinks, but I can't.

"Will you just leave," I mumble quietly, more to myself than him.

"What was that, love?" Brian leans forward on his elbows on the pretense of hearing me better. I have a feeling the real reason is because he knows it unnerves me.

"Leave," I whisper, my voice only getting quieter because of how close he is.

"You know, one day I'm going to get you to talk to me," Brian informs me, backing away and standing up. Instead of denying what he said, I secretly rejoice at the fact that he's actually leaving. I need time to myself to think. Think and wait anxiously for Nick to return. He's the only one who can put my mind at ease.

"You're not going to stay there forever, are you?" Brian questions as if he wants me to come out so we can continue our nice little chat. I wonder why Brian won't leave me alone. I mean, Nick certainly did.

I shake my head and watch Brian exit the room, thankfully closing the door behind him. I get up, taking the sheet with me.

"Hey, Riley!" I freeze when I hear Brian yell from the otherside of the door. I wrap the sheet tighter around me before deciding against it and loosening it so it's more baggy. Brian peaks his head in. "There's some clothes in the top two drawers for you. I ran out and picked some things up."

I force a smile as Brian slips back out of the room. Maybe he's not all bad.

I pick out some underwear, a pink tank top, and the first pair of pajama shorts I find, which so happen to be printed with Hello Kitty. I laugh humorlessly to myself. I remember the last time I wore something with Hello Kitty on it. I was eleven and completely innocent.

My how things have changed.

I go into the attached bathroom and take a shower. I turn the water on extra hot, hoping it will wash away all my self-loathing and pity. It doesn't. But, the scorched, rubbed raw feeling of my skin makes me feel relaxed for some reason. I pull on my clothes and comb out my hair, letting it air dry. As I walk out of the room, I have to almost smile at the sweet scent of strawberry that my long curtain of hair seems to give off.

Brian is on the couch in the livingroom, no surprises there. The only difference this time is that the football game on TV is muted, and he's on the phone. He glances up when I enter and motions for me to go over to him. Honestly, I have nothing better to do so I comply. Still, I sit a good foot away from him on the couch.

His voice is low and urgent as he talks into the phone so I can't really hear what he's saying. Not that I care anyway. I just stare blankly at the television even though I don't know shit about football.

"Yeah, definitely put some extra on the side for me, I might have use for it later... Bye," I hear Brian say before he clicks his phone shut.

"Who was that?" I ask, slightly puzzled with the last thing he said. Not that I actually care, who Brian talks to.

"Nobody," Brian waves me off nonchalantly. He turns the volume on the TV up, and reaches over to me. His arm wraps around my shoulders and he drags me closer to him. I jump in surprise, but don't fight him off. He won't try anything, not with the possibility of Nick being back any time soon.

"You're wet," he points out.

"I just took a shower," I inform him with an eye roll.

He leans over and buries his face in my hair. I'm frozen like a statue when he does. "You smell delicious," he murmurs against my neck. Then he pulls away and is silent.

We watch the rest of the game like that, in silence. Brian doesn't retract his arm from around my shoulders and I sit there as stiff as a board, unable to get comfortable. I don't know which I hate more- sitting with Brian, while he chatters away about stupid shit, or sitting in silence with him. Every once in a while he'll glance at me, and I'll stiffen even more.

About an hour later, I hear a key being put into the from door. I jump up without a moment's hesitation and rush to the door. The minute Nick steps through it, I'm there. But, unlike last time, I don't run to him. I hesitate.

Maybe Brian's right. Maybe sex does change things.

Nick gives me one of his effortless grins, but this one doesn't reach his eyes. Is he offended that I haven't hugged him? Feeling guilty, I timidly wrap my arms around his waist. And, he returns the gesture.

"Did you have time to think?" I question as I rest my head on his shoulder. I'm not bitter when I say this. I'm just glad that he came back. I feel Nick nod as he pulls away. I frown slightly, I don't want the hug to be over just yet. I mean, it was like our previous hugs, effortless and easy. But, it was still something.

"Riley," he hesitates and takes my hand. "You don't know how hard it is for me to say this, but I think we need to take a break."