Beautiful Deception

I remember the day Jack raped me. It was horrible, the feeling of someone tearing into your body without your control, your permission. It was like being split apart, an agonizing pain that only increases as it was probed more.

Well, I'm having that feeling all over again when Nick tells me he wants to break up. Except this time, it's a dagger straight into my heart, and that hurts so much more. These past few days, I've put literally everything into what I had with Nick. Heart, mind, soul, and about an hour ago, my body. I was so sure that Nick would be the one to fix everything. He made it seem as if he would be with everything he said, how much he seemed to care.

But, I guess Brian was right once again. We're only just teenagers that haven't even finished our first year of high school. Maybe Nick was taking Brian's advice, maybe there was someone better for him. Someone without all the emotional baggage that I had.

"Riley, you have to understand..." Nick began, but I shook my head silently cutting him off.

If telling me it was over was the dagger in my heart, him explaining it was like digging it deeper, twisting in it. Like with Jack. You think the first stab is the worst, but just wait until the next. Reinforcement, stronger and harder than the first. Damn it! I hate how I seem to revert everything back to Jack. He's the core of all my problems. I'm fucked up because of him. Because he can't keep it in his pants. Because he has to place himself where he isn't wanted.

"I think I understand," I whisper more to myself than him. "It makes sense." I sound like a robot, even to my own ears. But, it's better, isn't it? To be a robot? To not feel anything. To be automatically programmed to say the right thing and not give a damn about it.

I think this is what shocks Nick the most as he carefully reads my expression. I don't betray anything on my face. No hurt. No sadness. I'm impassive, locked on Auto Pilot. Let's see how long that lasts.

"Riley...-" Nick tries. "It's not you..."

My lips twitch down into a frown for just a second. For a moment, I've got to tear down my protective wall. I can't believe he just said that! "Nick, just because I've lived in an orphanage my whole life doesn't mean I've lived under a rock."

Nick looks hurt. "Riley, what the hell are you...-"

"It's not you, it's me, right?" I cut him off. "The all purpose line you say when you can't think of anything else to say."

He's quiet now. Probably because I have him all figured out. But, that wall I just tore down, it's crumbling to dust now. No. Fucking. Use! I really wanted Nick to prove me wrong, I really wanted him to have something else to say. I didn't want to hear some clichè movie line. I wanted him to tell me what was really going on.

"Fuck," Nick mutters under his breath, having nothing else to say. I don't think he knows I heard him.

"What?" I hiss. I'm starting to get angry now. Anger is better that sadness after all. It doesn't hurt as much.

"I said, 'Fuck', Riley!" He sighs in exasperation, running his fingers through his hair. I used to love his hair, used to love doing just that. Used to? What a lie! I still do. I still love him, though it probably doesn't matter anymore.

"I don't want to do this, Riley. I don't want to fight with you," Nick says in annoyance.

Great! So now he's annoyed with me too.

"What is 'this' exactly?" I ask him. "Cause if you mean breaking up with me, you don't have to if you don't want to. No ones telling you to." He's given me a benefit of a doubt. Maybe this was all a mistake, a misjudgement. It's just got to be. It'll all be fixed in a matter of seconds...

Won't it?

"No, Riley, I do!" Well, there goes my doubt, along with the barrier holding back my tears. They start to slip, slowly but surely from my eyes. Nick looks away, ashamed of himself. Funny how he used to be the one to dry my tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "So, so sorry. But, we'll figure this out, I promise. We're not breaking up, we're just separating for a bit to think things over. It's getting too serious, too fast. You're only fourteen, Riley. You don't want to start screwing up your life this early, do you?"

I wipe the tears from underneath my eyes and try to glare at him though it comes out as more of a pitifulf frown. "Screwing up my life? You think I want this. Do you think I wanted all the shit that's happened this past month?"

"All the shit including me, right?" Nick says, nodding his head slowly. It pains me to see him start to blame himself again.

"No, I don't mean meeting you, falling for you 'cause I really do care about you. But, I mean having sex with you. That shit, it was amazing, but it's done more harm than good," I tell him.

"Oh, Riley," Nick breathes. He moves forward and wraps his arms around me. "I care about you too, so damn much!" He pulls away, holding me at arms length. "That's why we need to take a break. Having sex was a huge mistake. We're obviously not ready for that."

I wouldn't necessarily consider it a mistake, and it hurts that he does. After all, before Brian interrupted, it had been amazing. "So, you'd take it back if you could?"

Please say no.

"In a heartbeat," Nick answers truthfully.

He kisses me on the cheek, and moves past me into the house. I'm actually glad he does so he can't see the tears come even faster than before.

I make my way back to the room, planning on... doing what exactly? Wallowing in my self pity seems like a good idea. Maybe I should mull things over like Nick did. Maybe I'll understand where he's coming from and it'll be easier to accept it.

Through the cracks of one of the doors, I see Brian leaning back in a red cushioned chair. I pause for the briefest second, watching as he chats away on the phone. In that second, he turns and spots me. Immediately, he snaps the phone closed and stands up, taking in my tear streaked face.

"Oh, honey," he says sympathetically, moving toward me with his arms outstretched slightly. I know I shouldn't care that he all of a sudden cares, but for some reason I do. I move forward and wrap my arms around his waist, burying my head in his chest as I cry.

He holds me like that, rubbing my back and whispering shit to me about how life sucks, but it'll all get better. If I pretend it's someone else comforting me, I actually feel a little bit better. Not that I have anything against Brian, but this is still his fault. I can't completely forgive him just because he decides to play 'nice guy' for a bit.

He shuts the doors behind me and moves me further into the den-like room. He sits me down on the chair he was once occupying and places his phone on the table. It vibrates against the table, but Brian ignores it as he starts shuffling through drawers.

Finally, he pulls out an unmarked pill bottle, popping the cover and spilling some into his palm. They're small and different pastel-like colors.

"I know you're not all for this sort of thing, but I promise it'll make you feel better." He shows me the small, pretty pills in his palm, and I contemplate it for only the briefest second. But, in the end, I take two anyway.

In a way, it's to spite Nick. He'd freak if he knew Brian was offering me pills and I was taking them. But then again, maybe it'll make things a little better. After all, maybe they're prescription drugs, you know. Prescribed by his doctor, pain killers or something to help him sleep. Or, help with his nerves... which is a stupid thought 'cause I don't think Brian has a nervous bone in his body.

I swallow them.

I'll be honest, it took a good while to kick in, little by little. But when it did, I most definitely felt it. I was dizzy at first, but I could feel my heart rate slowly starting to speed up. I double over, grabbing the table for support as I started breathing heavily. Everything in my mind seems to fade, like it didn't matter. Brian was kneeling next to me in a heart beat, wiping the sheen of sweat that had accumulated on my forehead. I felt this strange need to move, a strange feeling of euphoria.

"What was that?" I gasp at him. Looking at him now, something seems strangely appealing about him. I have a strange urge to kiss him. Brian smirks at me as if he knows exactly what I'm feeling. My eyes are locked to his lips as they move.

"Ecstasy," he answers. "Now, sit tight for a minute, though that might be a bit hard for you. I'm going to get Nick out of the house, maybe tell him to order pizza or something."

That statement should've been my first red flag.