It's Ok to Cry

Cancer. They said my mother had Cancer, and by the sounds of it, she had had it for a long time. The doctors said that she was full of it; it had spread through her in a matter of months. We found the cancer because she fell and broke her hip. It had completely shattered upon impact, and that was because of the cancer. She was so sick now that she couldn’t come home anymore. We had to permanently admit her to the hospital and confine her to a bed; the same bed that she would die in.

So, that’s where I stood; in an elevator in this god awful institution. My sister had called me while I was on a business trip in Sweden. She told me that mom was not doing well and she would die any minute. I was a momma’s girl, so naturally I jumped on the first flight back home. After I grabbed my mother a bouquet of tiger lilies and making sure that my makeup wasn’t smudged, I trudged my way up into her room.

“Anna, what are you doing here?” My mom croaked. Thank god she wasn’t sick enough to need oxygen support, unlike her roommate.

“Well, Stacey called and told me you were dying, so I had to come home right away,” I said, putting the flowers on the bed side table and taking my coat off.

“Sweetheart, I’ve been dying for six months now, and that hasn’t stopped you from travelling before.” She laughed.

“Oh I know, but Stace has always been so convincing with her phone calls,”

“She’s always been a drama queen, you know that. Oh, and I’m sorry for her making you leave those muscular Swedish boys!”

I couldn’t help but smile. No matter how bad of a day she was having, my mom always found a way to torment me about the opposite sex.

“Swedish boys are so last season, Mother. Russia’s where it’s at. Have you seen Alex Ovechkin? Now, I wouldn’t mind getting me a piece of that,” My sister piped up from the corner.

“Stacey; how many times have I told you not to mention him. That’s just gross. If you want Russian, we’ve got to talk about Andrei Markov. Now that there is a Russian!” My mom’s roommate said, laughing at the end.

“Seriously? That’s gross. He’s a Canadien, worst team in the league. Oh, I’m sorry for not introducing myself. I’m Anna – you must be Kathy,” I smiled, walking over to the bed and shaking her hand.

“Yep, I’m Kathy. And the Canadiens are the best team in the league, thank you very much. My son plays for them. And, even if they don’t have the best record, they’ve got one good looking bunch of boys,” She smiled.

“Mom, please tell me that you’re not discussing how hot my teammates are again,” A male voice boomed from the doorway of the room.

“Oh hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m…”

“Mike Komisarek,” I finished, shaking his outstretched hand.

“You know my son?” Kathy asked.

“Well, I do follow hockey. So yea, you could say that,” I said. “Oh, and I’m sorry that you play on the worst team in the league.” I said back to Mike as I sat down in the chair situated between both of the beds.

“Worst team in the league, eh? Let me guess, you’re a Leafs fan,” Mike smiled.

“Damn straight! Always have been, always will be,” I smiled, meeting his eyes again. He had the most amazing eyes that I had ever seen. They were so ice cold blue; yet so warm and inviting at the same time.

“So, follow hockey as a die-hard, or follow hockey if they win or not?”

“Follow hockey as in scout for the Leafs. I played hockey since I was five, and since girls aren’t allowed to play pro, I had to figure out another way to conquer the league, so scouting was my next bet.”

“Impressive. So, who were you scouting?”

“I can’t tell you that. You’re the enemy – I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now.”

Mike laughed and flashed me his million dollar smile. Good god, Anna, pull yourself together. You’re here for your mother because she’s sick, not to flirt and get in Komisarek’s pants!

We all sat and enjoyed each other’s company until my sister left to go feed her cat. My sister was a very odd person. She stayed at home; eating ramen and watching anime; but, I didn’t expect any different because she was an engineer and Japanese culture expert. She left me alone with two sick women, and a Grecian god. Good lord, someone must not like me today.

“Good afternoon, Ladies. It’s time for your check-ups and treatments. If you two wouldn’t mind stepping outside, we’ll come get you in about an hour.” The nurse said, looking at my mom and Kathy.

I nodded my head and stood up, grabbing my coat and kissing my mom lightly on the cheek as I made for the door.

“Hey, where are you headed?” I heard Mike call.
“Outside, I can’t stand the sterilized feeling I get whenever I’m in the hospital. Wanna join?”

He nodded and we stepped in the elevator. After we each grabbed a coffee from Starbucks, I lead Mike on a long stroll across the street, over a hill, and behind a strip-mall to a cute little park by a senior citizen’s home. There we sat and enjoyed the comfortable silence, neither one of us wanting to be the first to break it.

“So, how’d you get the news?” Mike asked, turning on the bench to face me.

“About my Mom’s cancer?” He nodded. “She slipped on a patch of ice outside her house, and fell and her hip shattered. That’s how we found out she had cancer. That happened in March. She started to get worse by August, and we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain on my birthday. We put her here in the hospital on October 25th, and she became roomies with your Mom on the 31st. The doctors only say she’s got about another week – but they’ve said that since my birthday. How about you?”

“She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January. The treatments were working for the first few months, and then they just stopped. The doctors told us that she wasn’t responding to any of the treatments that they could give her in New York, so they recommended a specialist here in Toronto. We brought her up here in August, and she hasn’t left the hospital since. It was a whole lot easier for me to travel between here and Montreal, than flying back and forth to New York. And, honestly, I don’t expect her to make it through the week.”

“Oh wow – I didn’t think that she was that sick,” I said, looking Mike in the eyes once more.

“Yeah, it spread pretty quickly. It surprised us all how fast it spread, but I’m glad that she didn’t have to suffer very much.”

“Wow, that’s crazy. I know it sounds heartless of me, but I hope she doesn’t suffer much longer. Now, come on, we’ll be late and the nurses will think we’ve left them high and dry.” I smiled, standing up and putting my mittens back on.

We walked back to the hospital, talking and laughing the whole way back. I never knew that Mike Komisarek was such a softie; I thought he was the type of guy who went out and partied all the time, but in truth, he was the type who would rather stay at home, cook a meal, and watch a movie with the one he loved.

Mike and I walked back into the hospital and into the room, only to find that his mother was missing from her bed.

“Betty, where’s my mom?” Mike asked my mom once we fully entered the room.

“Mike, sweetheart, the nurses took your mom to another room because she was having a hard time to get her breath. They said for you to check with the nurses’ station when you got
back. I’m so sorry, honey.”

“Ok, thanks Betty. I’ll come back and visit you later,” Mike smiled and me and my mom, then left and headed towards the desk.

“What happened, Mom?” I asked, sitting down in the chair I had vacated a mere hour before.

“Anna-banana, when you are about to die, the nurses move you to a separate room at the end of the hall. They only do it if you have a roommate – it’s like they want to give you and
your family some peace when you die. As soon as you guys left, the nurses took Kathy down to the room. I knew she was going to hold on until Mike got back, but she won’t be alive much longer."

“So, Kathy is going to die today?”

“Yes, my sweet. Kathy is going to die today. Now, then, I’ve got to tell you something else that might surprise you a little.”

“Mom, I’ve lived with you all my life, I’ve kind of gotten used to surprises.”

She laughed. “Kathy fell in love with you. Her dying wish was to see Mike in a serious relationship, and she figured that you and Mike would hit it off. I think she was kind of hoping that the two of you would have met earlier. Kathy had planned on telling Mike the same things I’m telling you now; and if she’s passes before she got the chance, she wrote him a letter explaining everything.”

“Wow – so what am I supposed to do? Force myself on him while he’s grieving? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, mom, but this is just ridiculous.”

“No, Anna, just be there for him when Kathy does pass on. That’s all she asks,” My mom pleaded.

“Ok, I’ll be there for him. You look tired mom, maybe you should have a nap,” I said, standing up and putting my purse away in the lock drawer on the other side of the room.

“You know what, that sounds like an excellent idea. I’ll see you in a few hours. I love you, baby girl,”

“I love you too Mom. Have a good nap!” I said, kissing my mom lightly on the cheek and giving her a hug before I turned off the lights and headed down the hall to Kathy’s new room.

As I walked down the hallway, I began to prep myself for the worst. I knew Kathy would be dead within the hour, and I knew that Mike would be a wreck. I had to prepare myself to be the strong soul that he needed.

I got to the ward and looked around, trying to find Mike or one of the nurses that I was familiar with – but found none.

“Excuse me? Can I help you, Miss?” An older nurse in a pair of bright green scrubs asked me.

“Yes you can, actually. I’m looking for Kathy Komisarek’s new room. She was roommates with my mom, but was moved down here today.”

She looked at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Love. Kathy passed away about five minutes ago. She went fairly quick – but held on long enough for her son to get back.”

“Really? Well, I’m looking for him actually. Is he still in her room?”

“No, dear. A few of the nurses are in the room getting her body ready for the morgue and eventually the funeral home. Mike is sitting in the family lounge. It’s the fourth door on the right.”

“Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help.” I smiled, turning on my heel and heading towards the family lounge.

I stepped up to the door and peeked into the window, just to make sure Mike was still in there. Sure enough, he was; sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. My heart absolutely broke looking at the scene in front of me. I collected myself, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Mike looked up at the sound of the creaking door and met my eyes. Gone were the once happy blue eyes, they were now replaced with sad, cold ones.

“Hey, Mike. How are you doing?” I asked, closing the door and walking across the room to sit next to him on the couch.

“Better than I thought I would be doing actually. She died not even two minutes after I walked into the room. She went quick, Anna, really quick.” Mike said, sitting up straight against the back of the couch.

“Well, at least we know she’s not suffering anymore,” I smiled.

“This is true. Listen, Anna, I wanted to talk to you about something my mom left me.”

“What’s that?”

Mike reached down to the table and picked up a piece of paper. “This is a letter that my Mom wrote me a few hours ago. It’s about you actually. Did you know anything about it?”

I blushed. “My mom mentioned it to me before I came down here. Listen, if you’re not comfortable with it or whatever, I totally understand.”

“No, it’s not that. I totally understand where she’s coming from though. I mean, I’m almost 30. My sister is two years younger than me, although she’s been married for almost four years and already has a baby. I haven’t had a serious relationship in five years. I know I’m ready for the commitment, I just haven’t made myself go out and get a girl yet.”

“I know the feeling. It’s not my mom who’s getting on my back about it, it’s my grandmother. She got married when she was 18, and if you get married after you’re 25 it should be illegal in her eyes. I’m 26, barely got my life together. I don’t even know who I am yet – let alone what I’d be like if I got married. Oh, and by the way, you gotta loose the colors if you wanna date me.”

Mike burst out laughing. “You mean, in order to fulfill my dead mother’s wishes, you’re going to make me leave the Canadiens?”

“Well, yeah! You’re a free agent at the end of the season, and I’ve got a few friends who can work some magic for you in this city. All you have to do is say the word and I’ll make the call. Brian Burke’s on my speed-dial. I replaced 911 with his number.” I smiled.

“Well then, your wish is my command. I was just hoping that she’d….you know….she’d be here,” He stopped and tried to collect himself. I knew he was trying not to cry, but he had to sometime.

I shifted on the couch as I gently began to run my arm up and down the length of Mike’s arm. “It’s ok to cry, you know. I do it all the time; I’m a firm believer that it helps to get rid of excess water weight. Seriously, I was so homesick my first year of university, I cried so much that I lost 20 pounds!”

And with that, the tears began to fall from Mike Komisarek’s eyes. They started off soft as he laughed at my joke, then came rolling down his cheeks like waterfalls. I felt my heart shatter as I watched him suffer. Quickly, I wrapped my arms around him in a side-hug and whispered words of encouragement into his ear.

“See, I told you crying helped!” I smiled when his tears stopped and he sat back up straight.

He laughed. “You were right; it totally did. Now then, I’ve got to go make some phone calls. Will you come back to the hotel with me; I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Of course I will. And besides, I don’t want to be alone either. I just want to go say goodnight to my mom before we leave.”

We got up and left the family lounge and headed for my mom’s room.

“Mom?” I whispered.

“What’s up Anna? You don’t have to whisper; I’m awake.” She smiled.

“Are you going to be ok here by yourself? I’m going to head back to the hotel with Mike for the night.” I said, grabbing my purse and putting my coat on.

“Sweetie, I’ll be fine. Your sister will be here in a few minutes or so – I’ll be fine until then. Did it happen?”

Mike simply nodded his head. “Yeah, Betty, it happened.”

He walked over to my mom’s bed and gave her a huge hug. I knew she was like his mother when Kathy was too sick to speak – so it would be even harder on him when my own mother died.

“Alright kids; be safe. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you,” My mom said, blowing air kisses to us as we left the room.

“Love you too, Mom.” I smiled, blowing air kisses back as I lightly closed the door.

“Ready, girlfriend?” Mike asked, holding out his hand.

“Of course, boyfriend!” I smiled, taking his hand in mine and leading him out of the hospital.