Sorrow Swallows My Screams
Despite everything, I still love him
I had been lying on my side for the past hour, my underwear clad body covered by the black satin sheets of our bed. My eyes have not moved away from the numbers outlined by bring neon lights that were being emitted from the alarm clock placed on my bed stand beside me.
2:34 AM.
And he was still not home.
With every passing minute, I felt my heart sink deeper and deeper into my body.
I have always had my suspicions about him, but it only started about two months ago. He used to come home everyday and kiss me on the cheek or lips as a greeting. He used to look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me with all his being. He used to be here- with me. But now he's rarely here. He barely comes home at all. But when he does come home, it’s either in the early hours of the morning when I’m asleep or when I’m working. Even after I finish working, he is still no where to be found. He doesn't kiss me or touch me the way he did. He doesn't look at me the same way. And he doesn't even say a simple 'I love you' anymore.
I used to think nothing of it at first. I thought he was just having a few bad days after being in the studio, working on music. But as the days progressed into weeks, his actions told me otherwise. One night, he had come home with a scent I was unfamiliar with. It smelled like perfume. When I confronted him about it, he brushed it off like it was not a big deal, and said it was from the boys and Lacy spraying him with Lady’s perfume to annoy him or something along those lines.
But I knew that was a lie.
I knew he was cheating on me. Yet he still manages to make me stay with him.
I let out a sad sigh, looking at the alarm clock one more time.
2:38 AM.
He wasn't coming home tonight, I concluded.
I rolled onto the other side of my body, so that I was facing the empty side; the side that he used to lay on on the bed. I could already smell his scent; the one that I love and the one that I rarely got to smell on him.
I missed him, although I know I shouldn't. I also know that I shouldn't be with him, yet here I was, waiting for him to come home every night for the past two month even knowing that he probably won't come. I don't know what it is about him that makes me rooted to the ground, but I still love him. Despite him being a cheat, despite him being a lousy boyfriend and despite everything, I still love him.
I want to make things work. I want him to be faithful to me. I want him to be the way he was before all of this happened. But I just don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know how long I can wait for him to change. Does he even want to change?
I brought the sheets around my body tighter as I finally let my tired eyes close. Just as I was about to go into the state of sleep, I heard the front door opening and closing followed by the sounds of the locks.
"Yeah, I had a good time too, and thanks for tonight but I have to go. See you soon babe. Bye." He said in voice loud enough for me to hear. It was obvious he was speaking one the phone. I didn't who he was talking to, but it didn't take a genius to put two and two together.
’Babe’. He used to call me that, but now, when he does speak to me, it's just 'Shantel'.
I could hear his footsteps going up the staircase. Our bedroom was only about a meter to the left at the end of it. I stiffened, wondering what I was going to do.
Should I pretend to sleep, or should I confront him right then and there?
But just then he walked into our room, and my eyes shut close. He took off his shirt, followed by his belts and his jeans, leaving him only in his boxers. The bed shifted from underneath me, and the first thing I noticed was a smell of perfume, mixed with his scent of cigarettes and alcohol. He didn't even bother to shower to hide that he was with another woman. He didn't even bother lowering his voice when he was speaking on the phone with his whore. But what caught me by surprise was what he did.
He climbed under the sheets and wrapped his tattooed arms around my bare body and pulled me close to him. He readjusted my head so I was lying on his chest.
I haven't had this much intimate contact with him in so long and it made me want to cry because it reminded me of what we use to be and what we are now not.
What had happened to make him change all of a sudden? What happened to make him act so affectionate?
I was pulled from my thoughts when his calloused fingers started drawing random circles on my arm.
"I know you aren't asleep, Shantel," he said in a soft voice. I didn't reply and I kept my eyes closed. But after a few minutes, I opened them to see his brown eyes looking at me sadly, but then a smile came from his lips seeing that I decided to drop my act.
"I love you, you know that?" He said, slightly chuckling.
I looked away from him and got off the bed. I picked up a random t-shirt lying on the ground, not bothering to put on shorts over my underwear. I left the bedroom with him looking completely surprised and taken aback by what I just did.
2:34 AM.
And he was still not home.
With every passing minute, I felt my heart sink deeper and deeper into my body.
I have always had my suspicions about him, but it only started about two months ago. He used to come home everyday and kiss me on the cheek or lips as a greeting. He used to look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me with all his being. He used to be here- with me. But now he's rarely here. He barely comes home at all. But when he does come home, it’s either in the early hours of the morning when I’m asleep or when I’m working. Even after I finish working, he is still no where to be found. He doesn't kiss me or touch me the way he did. He doesn't look at me the same way. And he doesn't even say a simple 'I love you' anymore.
I used to think nothing of it at first. I thought he was just having a few bad days after being in the studio, working on music. But as the days progressed into weeks, his actions told me otherwise. One night, he had come home with a scent I was unfamiliar with. It smelled like perfume. When I confronted him about it, he brushed it off like it was not a big deal, and said it was from the boys and Lacy spraying him with Lady’s perfume to annoy him or something along those lines.
But I knew that was a lie.
I knew he was cheating on me. Yet he still manages to make me stay with him.
I let out a sad sigh, looking at the alarm clock one more time.
2:38 AM.
He wasn't coming home tonight, I concluded.
I rolled onto the other side of my body, so that I was facing the empty side; the side that he used to lay on on the bed. I could already smell his scent; the one that I love and the one that I rarely got to smell on him.
I missed him, although I know I shouldn't. I also know that I shouldn't be with him, yet here I was, waiting for him to come home every night for the past two month even knowing that he probably won't come. I don't know what it is about him that makes me rooted to the ground, but I still love him. Despite him being a cheat, despite him being a lousy boyfriend and despite everything, I still love him.
I want to make things work. I want him to be faithful to me. I want him to be the way he was before all of this happened. But I just don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know how long I can wait for him to change. Does he even want to change?
I brought the sheets around my body tighter as I finally let my tired eyes close. Just as I was about to go into the state of sleep, I heard the front door opening and closing followed by the sounds of the locks.
"Yeah, I had a good time too, and thanks for tonight but I have to go. See you soon babe. Bye." He said in voice loud enough for me to hear. It was obvious he was speaking one the phone. I didn't who he was talking to, but it didn't take a genius to put two and two together.
’Babe’. He used to call me that, but now, when he does speak to me, it's just 'Shantel'.
I could hear his footsteps going up the staircase. Our bedroom was only about a meter to the left at the end of it. I stiffened, wondering what I was going to do.
Should I pretend to sleep, or should I confront him right then and there?
But just then he walked into our room, and my eyes shut close. He took off his shirt, followed by his belts and his jeans, leaving him only in his boxers. The bed shifted from underneath me, and the first thing I noticed was a smell of perfume, mixed with his scent of cigarettes and alcohol. He didn't even bother to shower to hide that he was with another woman. He didn't even bother lowering his voice when he was speaking on the phone with his whore. But what caught me by surprise was what he did.
He climbed under the sheets and wrapped his tattooed arms around my bare body and pulled me close to him. He readjusted my head so I was lying on his chest.
I haven't had this much intimate contact with him in so long and it made me want to cry because it reminded me of what we use to be and what we are now not.
What had happened to make him change all of a sudden? What happened to make him act so affectionate?
I was pulled from my thoughts when his calloused fingers started drawing random circles on my arm.
"I know you aren't asleep, Shantel," he said in a soft voice. I didn't reply and I kept my eyes closed. But after a few minutes, I opened them to see his brown eyes looking at me sadly, but then a smile came from his lips seeing that I decided to drop my act.
"I love you, you know that?" He said, slightly chuckling.
I looked away from him and got off the bed. I picked up a random t-shirt lying on the ground, not bothering to put on shorts over my underwear. I left the bedroom with him looking completely surprised and taken aback by what I just did.