Dancers Mended Heart

I sat on my new bed thinking about the events that happened today. I couldn't believe I did that to Zacky. I know he loves me already, a lot actually. But if he really did, why did he say all he wanted was my virginity? But stupid me, I was the one who always wanted to wait until I was married, but nope! I gave him permission! Dana helped me move my stuff into her guest bedroom, well mine now. We didn't talk, or at least I didn't. She talked about Jimmy non-stop! About how his drinking problem was going to effect their relationship. I didn't know what to say to that, I’ve never dealt with a drinker. So I kept my mouth shut, but that only made me think of Zacky. You know, I bet we could have talked that out. Actually hear what each others likes and dislikes are, instead of me just running off like that. But I did give him a chance. And he blew it, maybe he was just a mistake. Maybe I’m better off with out him. Oh well, the guys came over tonight. I started down the stairs to join them, but I heard Zacky’s voice, and I couldn't face him, I was too embarrassed. So I sulked back into my room with my tail in between my legs. They haven't gone home yet, I still heard their muffled voices creeping in from under my door. I heard my name a couple times, but they were said in a more of a panicked tone or surprised. No doubt Zacky told them what happened early this morning. But surprisingly no one came upstairs to check if I was okay. Which was good, I wanted to be alone. I entertained myself by tuning my cello, or going out on the balcony outside my window/French doors. Dana was rich, I mean filthy rich. Her parent’s don’t even come home during the week because Dana has enough money to take care of herself. So that’s why Jimmy kind of made himself a little home inside this home. I heard Matt laugh uncontrollably and Brian soon followed. Great they were getting tipsy. Now who was gonna drive all of them home? Oh yeah, Dana. But I wonder if she has been drinking. I was getting pretty damn bored. I sat up in my bed and pursed my lips. I didn't want to go downstairs, to embarrassing all eyes would be on me. But I couldn't stay alone any longer; it would literally drive a screwdriver into my fucking head. I got up and walked to my closet. My footsteps made the floor creak, I cringed in guilt, and they knew I was walking around. I switched on the light and went to the corner where I kept my dance bag. Inside my dance bag is where I keep my dancing and workout bags. Along with CDs, so I can dance to a beat. I through the bag over my shoulder and walked to my bedside. I slipped on the low top dirty blue converse and brushed my hair back into a low ponytail. So I looked somewhat decent when I rushed out the door. I turned off my lamp and headed toward the bedroom door. I held my breath as I opened it. I quietly walked out trying not to make any noise. I sneaked down the hallway staying close to the wall. I felt like a ninja. I turned the corner sharply, a little too sharp. I caught my foot on the edge and fell forward. I fell with a soft thump. But of course only they could hear it.

"Aileen is that you?" damn it. I lifted my head to answer. They still couldn't see me. I had one more corner to turn until I was visible.

"ummm....yeah I-it's me." of course it was me you dork! I stood up slowly as I heard the room they were in fall silent. I glared at that corner holding my visibility. I dreaded turning it. But I had to make this look casual. I draped the rope from my bag on my shoulder and made my way over to the staircase. I stopped right before I turned when I felt a cage of butterflies open in my stomach. Oh crap, I hate making entrances. I wish they would start talking again. Okay, ill make this fast. I turned and walked down the stairs, keeping my eyes on Dana only. I smiled at her and stuck my tongue out at her too; just to make myself look I was okay. I got to the bottom and moved my eyes to matt. He narrowed his eyes at me instantly. I shuddered and turned my back as I walked to the jacket hanger. I just had to grab my jacket and I was free. I fingered my way through the clothing, but it wasn't there. Shit, where did I leave it?

"Aileen, it’s in here dear." Dana’s voice came to my ears in a rush. I closed my eyes and sighed. I might never leave alive. I walked back into the kitchen where their little gathering was and looked at her. I lifted an eyebrow, silently asking where it was. She nodded her chin up in the air in the direction behind me. I whipped around desperate to leave. But I came face to face with him. I swallowed hard and walked over to the back of his chair. I didn't want to talk to him so I gently pushed him forward. I grabbed my jacket that sat comfortably behind him and let him fall back. I slipped it on swiftly and walked out.

"Where you going?!" matt asked from behind me.

"Dance studio, why does it concern you?" I asked while slamming the door behind me. Finally I was outside, thank god. I breathed out in relief and headed down the street. I walked fast, because it was cold and all I wanted was to be warm. Inside. Inside his arms. In Zacky’s. I shook my head to get that thought out, I wasn't gonna think about him, all I was going to do was dance. I walked faster. Passing all the gangs that whistled at me from the alleyways, the poor sleeping beside streetlights, hookers posing for guys and giving me snotty looks, and the drug dealers snarling at one another in competition for more clients. As I passed them my smile grew bigger. I was home. This was where I grew up, right here, in the night of Portland. Where all came out to show their other side. I walked this city throughout the night many times before, but I was scared then. Because I was young, I haven't seen the world before. And now that I have, I call this place....beautiful. My beautiful ghetto will be wiped clean in the morning. It will be painted in a variety of colors, cheerful, serious, and unique colors. Portland was a Jaclyn Hyde, Haha...keep Portland weird. Fit it perfectly. But the night here was comforting. Not knowing what was behind the corner made me wonder and made me get lost in thought and forget all about the world. I smelled coffee and looked to the right. A coffee shop owned by a Chinese couple. I remember, it’s where I lost my first tooth. It was such a bloody mess, that Matt puked all over the guys in the booth behind him. Hysterical. I passed so many places I spent chilling with my friends. Half of them ended up in juvie for a little bit. Yep, I lived right smack in the ghetto....and I’m damn proud of it. So much can come out of a place like this, so much talent. But no one above us looks at us. They call us crap and dirt just because our parents fight like there was a choice in sending one to hell, or because our moms had two jobs and spent 3 shifts at the diner. So much can come from us; people just need to look at us. I passed by the porch steps where I had my first kiss at. It made me wonder what ever happened to the kid I kissed. Oh well. I passed a couple men sitting on their porch steps with a radio blaring. They both nodded to me, I walked on returning a smile. I was coming close to the studio now. When I turned down the vacant street my stride became my life long beat. I walked without feeling in my legs as they moved. I felt like I thought John Travolta did when he walked down the street to 'staying alive'. I laughed at myself as I came to the big oak doors. I pushed them opened and walked into my life, leaving my home behind me.