So Automatisch, Du Bist Wie'ne Maschine

‘Bill. Bill! I’m sorry. I didn’t know that would happen. I didn’t know!’ I could vaguely hear her wretched voice in the background as she was pointlessly following me around the back of the hotel. It didn’t really matter whether I listened or not. The evening rain was loud and the night time was cold, the feeling of numbness distracted me enough.

‘Leave.’ I mumbled trying to get her to detach from my trail.

‘What do you mean, leave?’ Pathetic.

I spun harshly on my heel. ‘I mean go, and don’t ever come back.’ I didn’t move and said nothing. I let her fall to the floor in silence. She looked at me. I didn’t care.

Without taking a backward glance I stepped onto the bus. ‘I’m sorry,’ she choked. Then I slammed the door.

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The last chord reverberated around the arena as the screaming of 10,000 fans fill my ears. All I could do was smile and feel grateful for being where I was, again. The noise running through my veins redefining who I am, what I was and will be. Lights of colours blue, white and red spinning, twirling, dancing across the stage twisting with each other creating chaos. Dehydration was consuming me as I stood in the heat of the incandescent bulbs, melting my hair. Legs, arms, fingers all shaking pleased to know they’d made it through yet another concert without being harmed, much to their amazement as to mine.

The busy lights of the stage were just fading as we ran, breathlessly, off to the side passing high fives around and smiling at finishing another amazing show. The end of our tour meant I was finally going home, finally having time alone for a while. Tom tripped on his way into the green room as usual and this time ended up hitting his head on the door frame. ‘Damn that!’ He yelled sitting down.

‘Finally! Home!’ I grinned joining him on the sofa as Georg and Gustav grabbed drinks. ‘It’s been so long that we’ve been on tour, I’ve missed it.’

‘Yeah, but I’ve kind of missed sleeping more.’ Whining Tom rubbed his face with his hands looking like he could fall asleep at any second. ‘Back to the bus now I think, before I collapse and you have to leave me here.’

We headed back feeling the cool night air on our burning skin from playing the last concert, I was in dire need of a shower but thought that sleep sounded so much more welcoming, plus the fact the feeling of my own shower in the morning will be so much more satisfying.
Life after show isn’t what you might call exciting. Mostly we just sat around chatting about various things. Georg finally gets to see his girlfriend tomorrow so he’s excited, I expect being away from your other half for months is hard on the system. Home was exciting enough, getting to finally rest for a while. Being one tour can be stressful, trapped onto the confined space of the bus and not being able to get away from each once in a while. We love each other as a family unit, and love spending time with each other but sometimes that alone time is important.

And being at home, fending for ourselves, not being followed, not being interviewed, being able to walk around the house in sweat pants and no make-up and no one caring; lets us have that little bit of the normal life we need sometimes. If I couldn’t get away from the crazy publicity occasionally I would probably end up blowing a fuse and turning mentally unstable. Then there wouldn’t even be a band anyway so it’s would be a very backward circle.

‘Where do we all think we will be in say, five years?’ I asked out loud without meaning to.

‘Tom will probably run a topless bar somewhere.’ Georg pointed out laughing.

‘Yeah but he’ll probably end up being his own best customer.’

‘Yeah he will!’ He jumped up and down in his seat at the thought of having his own topless bar all to himself.

‘What about you guys?’

‘I don’t know, still doing this hopefully. But I guess if we weren’t doing this then... racing. And I can drive Gustav round because he still won’t be able to drive.’ Laughing still Georg sat down.

‘I’ll have had my license back, then taken off me again. What about you Bill, what would you be doing if we weren’t still being Tokio Hotel?’

‘I don’t really know. Never had to think about it I don’t suppose, probably living on my own in some random house. Or a cardboard box on the street.’ I rolled my eyes.

‘Yeah but then Tom can come along and hire you fir the gay night he holds at his bar.’

‘Yeah, Bill. Don’t worry, I won’t let you rot away on the street.’ We all laughed at each other then sat in silence all imagining exactly what we thought would happen and I really did see myself in a cardboard box and it scared me enough to promise myself right now to never let this band end before it’s ready to. I don’t want to be that person that was famous for a while then turned into some kind of street urchin within six months. I would smell, only have one outfit, maybe end up with some kind of strange beard type thing and everyone would cross to the other side of the street when they saw me.

We ended our day dreaming session by deciding it was time for real dreams and to go to bed. Everyone was asleep after about an hour, but I couldn’t rest. I could relax at home. I could get away from everything at home. Nothing will be following me, hanging over my head. I’ll be in a different place. But playing the shows was tiring, and my body was yearning for sleep. Counting in my head didn’t do anything, so I tried singing to myself.

‘Bill, please stop.’ Tom’s muffled voice come from the bunk next to mine.

‘Sorry. I can’t sleep.’ For a moment there was silence. ‘Home will be nice. Alone time.’

‘Bill, I know what you’re thinking. It’s been three years, you need to just forget about it.’ He sighed and opened the curtain to look at me. ‘Move on.’

‘What? Tom, I’m fine. I’m not still thinking about what happened with her. She’s not worth it.’

‘We know that, but it’s definitely done some damage.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked sitting up but keeping my voice to a minimum.

‘Three years and you haven’t even looked at a girl. It’s like what she did to you left you with some kind of mental block. Not every girl is going to do that to you. They’re not all careless.’

‘You can talk. Careless, did you even know the name of that girl the other night?’ I joked and he smiled back.

‘At least I’m with girls. I’m just trying to look out for you, you know? You’re my little brother, that’s what I have to do.’ He shrugged at me and lay on his back. ‘Now go to sleep.’ He shut the curtain and I got back in my bunk.

‘Tom?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thanks.’