So Automatisch, Du Bist Wie'ne Maschine

There it was again. I could feel myself folding inwards, cutting everything off, sitting there blank. Three years it had been since I last saw her, heard her, cared for her even thought about her. I’d sliced the chord between us with a sharp knife so it would never fix itself, so how had it mended? How is it if I ever do something it comes back at me full force at the bad times? I was elated, I’m at home finally. No more getting up early, no more confined spaces, comfortable beds, time to myself, family. Then she broke it down.

If only she could stay out of my life like I’d tried to make happen by erasing all my memories, of her and even with her so now it’s just the darkness comes in their place. They only good she ever did was help me build this wall around myself, for my own protection, now I don’t get hurt. For solid, invisible walls, no doors, no windows, no cracks. Just defences so now nothing gets out and nothing gets in.

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Days passed. Hours. Minutes. I wasn’t sure. Darkness surrounded me. I didn’t move. I barely even thought. The phone rang numerous times. Messages were left. I didn’t listen or care. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t wash. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything. My hair was greasy. My clothes smelt. I stank. I’d study the coffee table in front of me so hard I now knew that next to a cup stain there was a dot from a pen I’d dropped. I could tell you which bit of fluff was where on the glass surface. What shape the coffee I’d let fall had split in under it.
The phone again. It rang and rang. I just sat and ignored it. The answering machine came on. Vaguely I heard Tom’s voice. I didn’t do anything about it.

Time went on.

It rang again. And again I let it ring and ring. Again I sat and ignored it. The answering machine came on. Vaguely I heard Tom’s voice. I didn’t do anything about it. Had he rang before? I wasn’t sure.

Again it rang out. And again. And again. And again. By this time the only thing I was aware of is that it was Tom calling.

Bang. The door slammed open. The dark house flooded with bright light and I almost flinched, but I couldn’t produce the movement. Figures were searching the house, looking around shouting, calling what I thought could be my name. It was moments before they found me, and for a second they did nothing. They, was one person. The figures were the many shadows split into different places.

The voice spoke to me. I didn’t reply. The figure moved toward me. I didn’t flinch away.
‘Bill! You had me searching the entire damn town because you weren’t answering your phone. I thought something had happened to you. Then I come here and you’re just sat here!’ I didn’t react. I didn’t even look at my own twin. ‘Are you listening to me Bill?! Bill! Bill?’ Finally I responded and looked up at him, my eyes weak from lack of sleep. ‘Bill, what’s wrong. How, how long have you been sat here?’ He looked me over as though I were about to shoot him in the gut. ‘Bill, how long have you been sat here?’

‘Not long.’

‘How long is not long?’ I said nothing, Only stared at the lonely suitcase I’d forgotten to take upstairs. ‘Tell me you’ve moved since you came back. Please tell me you haven’t been sat here we came home.’ I looked away from him. ‘Bill! We’ve been back for three days! You look terrible. You smell. Have you eaten? Have you drank anything?’ My silence prompted him to search around the room with his eyes, finally he looked to the coffee table and saw the mug and stain in the carpet. ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing? Nothing! Don’t give me that bullshit! Something happened. Nothing doesn’t make you sit here for three days! Nothing doesn’t make you starve yourself for three days! Nothing doesn’t mean you don’t answer the phone when I call!’ I looked at him and couldn’t help myself. I started crying. Instantly his face fell and he sat next to me wrapping his arm around my shoulders. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. Whatever this thing is, it’s upset you and I should be helping, not helping mess you up even more. I’m sorry.’ We sat there for a while until I wiped my eyes and my left over make-up along with them.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘What happened?’ He asked.

‘When we got back in, I took my cases upstairs ordered a take away and them came down to sit in here with a drink and put my messages on and listened through them. Then there was a message from her.’

‘Her? Who...’ He drew in a breath and sat bolt right up. ‘She left you a message?’

‘Yeah, I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t make myself do anything. I stink, I’m exhausted.’
‘Bill, you look really ill. You should get some rest.’

‘Rest? Rest! Knowing that she could call back at any time?! I can’t rest!’ I moved away from him and stood, pacing around the room. ‘I spent all this time blocking everything out, how did she get back in?’

‘She hasn’t got back in. Not if you don’t let her. Look, go shower. I’ll call Georg and Gustav and we can go out somewhere for a while. Or, they can come here and we can just hang out for a bit.’

‘Can’t we just stay here and watch a film? I haven’t slept in... did you say it was three days?’ He nodded. ‘I haven’t eaten, I haven’t drank anything. If I go somewhere I’m probably going to collapse anyway.’ I leant again the wall by the stairs as I’d made my way over there.

‘Okay. Go shower, and I’ll clean up down here.’ I turned and walked half way up the stairs.

‘And Bill.’

‘Yeah?’

‘You’ll be fine.’