Henry IV Abridged

Enter Falstaff and Hal

Falstaff: Hey Hal, what time is it?

Hal: You're so fat and drunk, all you do is get laid and sleep, why the hell do you need to know what time it is? Unless capons were minutes and sack were hours why do you need the time?

Falstaff: Well we thieves go by the moon and stars, not the sun. When you're King you'll have no grace at all.

Hal: What none?

Falstaff: Not even before breakfast.

Hal: Well how then? Tell me.

Falstaff: When you're king you won't call us "thieves," you'll call us "gentlemen of the shades," or "minions of the moon." Not common robbers but "the gentlemen who steal."

Hal: (sarcastic) Good idea, but a thief is such an honorable job. Especially when you get hung!

Falstaff: Of course Hal... and isn't the hostess wonderful?

Hal: Uh sure... sweet as a cow.

Falstaff: What the devil do I have to do with cows?

Hal: Well what do I have to do with the hostess?

Fastaff: You owe her money.

Hal: No, you owe her money.

Falstaff: I'll pay you back this time I promise.

Hal: (sarcastic) Yeah because you're great at keeping promises.

Falstaff: Especially to you. So tell me, will there be gallows in England when you're king? You promise that when you're king, you won't hang a thief.

Hal: No, you will.

Falstaff: I'll get to judge? Excellent!

Hal: You're a terrible judge! That's not what I meant.

Falstaff: I knew that! I was just ... uh, joking.

Hal: Ha ha very funny.

Falstaff: You need to stop the attitude. People talk about you enough as it is. An old lord who's in the council stopped me in the street yesterday to talk about you. I didn't listen to him, he spoke very wisely, but I still didn't listen.

Hal: (sarcastic) Well good for you, because wisdom just cries out in the streets and no one ever listens.

Falstaff: You'll be damned, you could corrupt a saint! Before I knew you, I was perfect! And now I'm a lowlife thief! If I ever take a purse with the King's son again, I'll kill myself!

Hal: So who should we steal from tomorrow then?

Falstaff: There's money of the King's exchequer traveling through Eastcheap tomorrow, we'll get that! We'll be rich! And if we don't, call me a liar!

Hal: I thought you just said you would never steal again?

Falstaff: Well I can't change overnight!

Hal: That's what you said last month.

Falstaff: It's all your fault! You corrupted me!

Enter Poins

Falstaff: It's Poins! The worst thief in all of England!

Hal: Hey Ned.

Poins: Hello Hal! Look! It's Mr. Remorse! What do you say Sir John Sack-and-Sugar? Did the devil agree to take your soul yet in exchange for food and sack on a day of fasting?

Hal: He hasn't broken his deal yet.

Poins: Then you'll be damned for keeping a promise to the devil.

Hal: Or he'll be damned for breaking a promise to the devil, either one really.

Poins: Anyways we're planning on taking the money from the travelers tomorrow. We can take 'em in our sleep. If you don't go I'll hang you myself.

Falstaff: Of course I'm going! If you back out I'll hang you! Hal are you going?

Hal: (sarcastic) Me? Steal? No way. Never.

Falstaff: Is the prince too scared?

Poins: Jack, if you go away I'll make him come.

Falstaff: Good luck with that. See you tomorrow.

Exit Falstaff

Poins: You have to come with us tomorrow! I'm planning a joke but I can't do it by myself. Once Falstaff, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill have the money, we'll disguise ourselves and steal it from them!

Hal: How?

Poins: We'll before or after them, and jump them as soon as they have it.

Hal: But how will they not recognize us?

Poins: We'll change our disguises.

Hal: Oh well then it will be easy to trick them.

Poins: They're all cowards. The real joke will be seeing what the fat one tells us after, about how he lost the money.

Hal: Alright then, I'll go.

Poins: Excellent, see you tomorrow.

Exit Poins

Hal: I am really a horrible prince. I guess I'm going to have to redeem myself eventually, but until then, whatever.