Status: I'm bad about updating this, I have it typed up but I lost the document when the computer died so I've been re-typing it.
Henry IV Abridged
Scene 03
Enter King, Northumberland, Worcester, Hotspur, and Blunt.
King: For some reason, I've never been really mad at you guys, but now, I'm pissed.
Worcester: Well you're just jealous of our awesomeness.
King: Get out! I'll call you when we need you.
Northumberland: About the prisoners... It's all Worcester's fault! My son had nothing to do with it.
Hotspur: I denied no prisoners! But whan the game was over a stupid little lord came, demanded the prisoners, and insulted me! So I was all "fuck you ain't gettin' no prisoners bitch!" It's all his fault.
Blunt: Who cares whose fault it is! Let's just kill the Percys.
King: Well if you would just give me the damn prisoners I'll ransom your dumb Mortimer.
Hotspur: He's not stupid! He's a real king! He's better than you'll ever be! You suck!
King: You're wrong Percy! Don't bother speaking of dumb prisoner! Now give us those nobles or else!
Exit King and Blunt
Enter Worcester
Hotspur: Don't speak of Mortimer? I will speak of Mortimer! Mortimer Mortimer Mortimer Mortimer! I'll make him king again I swear I will!
Northumberland: You idiot we're the ones who took Mortimer out of line in the first place.
Worcester: What happened?
Northumberland: I think he's gone mad.
Hotspur: He demands my prisoners. And he still won't ransom Mortimer!
Worcester: Well duh, once Mortimer's back Henry's fucked.
Northumberland: If Henry hadn't killed Richard Mortimer would be king now.
Worcester: Why did we help him kill Richard?
Hotspur: Wouldn't Mortimer be king if we hadn't helped Henry kill Richard?
Northumberland: You idiot that's what we were just talking about.
Hotspur: So that's why he won't ransom Mortimer! I'll ransom him myself! I'll kill that stupid Bolingbroke and Mortimer will be King again! We'll kill them all! We'll rule the world! We'll--
Worcester: Hey! Shut up! We'll find our own way to take care of Henry.
Hotspur: Yes! Let's kill him!
Northumberland: (To Worcester) He's hopless. Relax, it'll be easy to get rid of him.
Worcester: Yeah right, it'll be just as easy for him to get rid of us.
Hotspur: You're such a pessimist.
Worcester: So about your prisoners--
Hotspur: He'll never get them! Never!
Worcester: Yeah we keep the prisoners--
Hotspur: If he won't send ransom I'm not giving him any goddamn prisoners!
Worcester: Hotspur shut up!
Hotspur: We'll get rid of Henry and his stupid son too!
Worcester: Fine don't listen to me. Let me know when you're ready to friggan pay attention!
Northumberland: (To Hotspur) Stop being so damn impatient!
Hotspur: Sorry I just can't stand those stupid Plantagenets!
Worcester: Okay then, ready to listen?
Hotspur: Yep go ahead.
Worcester: We'll send the prisoners back to Scotland and get them to join a super huge dodge ball team with us.
Hotspur: Yes! Great plan!
Worcester: We'll meet with Glendower and Mortimer to discuss our assets and then I'll let you know our plan.
They Exit
King: For some reason, I've never been really mad at you guys, but now, I'm pissed.
Worcester: Well you're just jealous of our awesomeness.
King: Get out! I'll call you when we need you.
Northumberland: About the prisoners... It's all Worcester's fault! My son had nothing to do with it.
Hotspur: I denied no prisoners! But whan the game was over a stupid little lord came, demanded the prisoners, and insulted me! So I was all "fuck you ain't gettin' no prisoners bitch!" It's all his fault.
Blunt: Who cares whose fault it is! Let's just kill the Percys.
King: Well if you would just give me the damn prisoners I'll ransom your dumb Mortimer.
Hotspur: He's not stupid! He's a real king! He's better than you'll ever be! You suck!
King: You're wrong Percy! Don't bother speaking of dumb prisoner! Now give us those nobles or else!
Exit King and Blunt
Enter Worcester
Hotspur: Don't speak of Mortimer? I will speak of Mortimer! Mortimer Mortimer Mortimer Mortimer! I'll make him king again I swear I will!
Northumberland: You idiot we're the ones who took Mortimer out of line in the first place.
Worcester: What happened?
Northumberland: I think he's gone mad.
Hotspur: He demands my prisoners. And he still won't ransom Mortimer!
Worcester: Well duh, once Mortimer's back Henry's fucked.
Northumberland: If Henry hadn't killed Richard Mortimer would be king now.
Worcester: Why did we help him kill Richard?
Hotspur: Wouldn't Mortimer be king if we hadn't helped Henry kill Richard?
Northumberland: You idiot that's what we were just talking about.
Hotspur: So that's why he won't ransom Mortimer! I'll ransom him myself! I'll kill that stupid Bolingbroke and Mortimer will be King again! We'll kill them all! We'll rule the world! We'll--
Worcester: Hey! Shut up! We'll find our own way to take care of Henry.
Hotspur: Yes! Let's kill him!
Northumberland: (To Worcester) He's hopless. Relax, it'll be easy to get rid of him.
Worcester: Yeah right, it'll be just as easy for him to get rid of us.
Hotspur: You're such a pessimist.
Worcester: So about your prisoners--
Hotspur: He'll never get them! Never!
Worcester: Yeah we keep the prisoners--
Hotspur: If he won't send ransom I'm not giving him any goddamn prisoners!
Worcester: Hotspur shut up!
Hotspur: We'll get rid of Henry and his stupid son too!
Worcester: Fine don't listen to me. Let me know when you're ready to friggan pay attention!
Northumberland: (To Hotspur) Stop being so damn impatient!
Hotspur: Sorry I just can't stand those stupid Plantagenets!
Worcester: Okay then, ready to listen?
Hotspur: Yep go ahead.
Worcester: We'll send the prisoners back to Scotland and get them to join a super huge dodge ball team with us.
Hotspur: Yes! Great plan!
Worcester: We'll meet with Glendower and Mortimer to discuss our assets and then I'll let you know our plan.
They Exit
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Writing this I wen't through the book and modernized each line. It took an insanely long time. I cut out some boring scenes though.