Breathe

The look on his face was almost too much, but I ushered him in the car nonetheless. A thousand things were jumbled together in my head as I tried to think of what I was about to say to him. This was going to crush him.

I pulled out of Emily's driveway and started down the road, with the intention of heading to the beach. I could feel his eyes boring into me, making me shift uncomfortably. I tried not to think about what I was doing, and focused on the road. The radio played faintly against the silence, making our silence even stranger. As we approached the beach, I had to bite down on my tongue to resist saying anything. This was going to be hard.

I parked the car, and got out. The salty air was refreshing - I had rolled my windows down as soon as I hit the La Push area. I heard Jacob follow, shutting the passenger door rather loudly. I waited until we were near the water to speak. It was cold, and reminded me that I was actually alive. Not that my pouding heart was any reminder.

He looked at me, and it was impossible for me to tell what he was thinking. I raised my hand and rested it on his chest. He didn't move. "I didn't leave because of you," I said. "It had nothing to do with you."

He gave me no response.

"There is absolutely nothing that you did, or could do, that would've made me leave. You know that, right?" I stared at his face, trying to understand his expression.

"Then what was it, Sarah? You were gone for three months. It had to be something."

His voice was like an electric current had flowed through my body.

"I... didn't understand what was going on. I was thrown into this world that I didn't even believe existed. It was too much for me to take in at once."

Jacob sighed, and I clung to his shirt. "I tried to hate you, Sarah. I tried so fucking hard. It was impossible." He stared at me, anger flickering in his eyes. "You put me through so much shit, and I still can't hate you. It's physically impossible." He grabbed my wrist and I released my hand, letting it fall to my side.

"Please, Jake, listen to me."

"What else can I do?"

I sighed, and my knees started to shake. "You'll hate me. You're going to hate me so much that I'll disgust you." Tears built up in my eyes, but I tried to hold them back. "I've never felt so disgusting in my whole life, and this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

"I can't hate you, Sarah. I already told you that."

"I saw Peter, Jake. It was at a party, and I wasn't thinking clearly, and, he - I ... god. I'm so sorry." The waterworks turned on, and my cheeks were soaked within seconds. Jacob stared at me in disbelief. He took a deep breath, and I knew that I had done it.

"You fucking slept with him." It wasn't a question. Jacob took my wrists and held them close to his body. "Sarah, wh - how could you do that? What the hell is wrong with you?"

My knees gave out, and I fell forward. Jacob took a step back, letting me fall to the ground. I couldn't find the strength to speak.

"You've got balls, Sarah. God, I - I don't even know what to say to you."

"Jake, I -"

"Don't.. even. I don't want to hear it. Please, just.. I need to go." He turned, and started towards the woods. "I need to go home."

"Jake!"

*

"What the hell happened to you?" Liz asked me as I walked through the front door. My eyes were still red and puffy, and I hadn't bothered to wipe the sand off of my knees. I kicked off my sandals and pushed past her, climbing the stairs up to my bedroom. "Sarah!"

"Fuck off, Liz!" I slammed my bedroom door. I knew this was going to happen. It was obvious. I had hurt Jacob to the worst extent. He wasn't going to forgive me. At least, not right now.

I sure hoped to God that he would.

I collapsed on my bed, and the urge to cry was overwhelming. I had cried all the way home, even stopping two or three times to get myself together.

He hadn't wanted me to touch him. There hadn't been a smile, or a hug. I mean, of course there hadn't. After being gone for three months, it was to be expected. I fucked up, and it wasn't going to be easy to fix.

Why did I have to fuck up the best thing in my life?