Studying the Dead

My hood was pulled up over my head as I walked the distance from my residence hall to the building that held my first and only class of the day. The meeting with his parents and helping them move his stuff from the room had left me feeling more depressed than I’d expected. Everything being gone had simply solidified the fact that he was gone.

I spent the next day, a Sunday, curled up in my bed, not something I’d ever admit to anyone. My brothers had tried calling the entirety of the first half of the day. By one, I shut off my phone, refusing to talk to anyone. I slept off and on until midnight. After that I couldn’t sleep. Naps before then had always been normal. Midnight though, was crazy hour. There’d always be last minute papers, food runs, one of us with some girl; usually him with Jennifer. It was never silent at midnight.

I tried putting some station on, letting the music fill the room. It wasn’t the same. By the time two rolled around, I gave up and set up shop on my computer, deciding to work on the paper I’d been working on before being told to come outside that night. I finished a paragraph before giving up.

With each letter I typed, my mind went back to that night, playing the what ifs over and over. Why hadn’t I noticed? Why hadn’t I realized something was really wrong? I was his best friend and I couldn’t save him.

Before I realized it, my fist connected with the desk cabinet. A yelp of pain and sorrow escaped me and tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Why’d you have to be such a fucking idiot, Trent? Didn’t you realize you have people who fucking love you?” I didn’t care that there was no one in the room; it was probably better that way. The emotions I’d refused to let loose right after finding Trent, were finally surfacing.

Sinking into my chair, I buried my face in my hands, elbows resting on the desk. My shoulders shook as silent sobs wracked my body. I cried for the guilt I felt and for the sorrow, for his parents who would never see him again and for Jennifer.

Jennifer, the girl I was sure he’d marry someday. He’d been so out of his head for her. Now, any plans they’d made were dead, just like him.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I pushed away from the desk and looked wearily at the empty side of the room. No one was going to replace him. Even if someone else came in and took the bed and filled the dresser, it would never be the same, they wouldn’t be Trent.

It was already five in the morning, I had two hours until I had to technically get up for class, a class I didn’t even know if I could attend. We were talking about Euthanasia; otherwise know as mercy killing and the ethics of killing someone because they were ready to die. Didn’t the university at least have a little tact? Then again, maybe the topic would be changed. Knowing the professor, it wasn’t likely.

Grabbing a Monster from the dorm’s mini fridge, I stared at the computer. Maybe I wouldn’t go. Certainly the professor would understand and it wasn’t like I’d skipped before.

It took two hours to decide that I was going to class. That decision now found me standing in front of the building, just staring at it as students walked by. Some gave me looks, knowing, some just ignored me.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go in there and pretend like nothing happened. Holding tight to the strap of my bag, I turned to walk towards town, a good mile walk from where I was. With my head down, I walked to the Bat Cave. Somewhere I knew wouldn’t just forget, where I didn’t have to worry about keeping up the perfect student image, despite it all.