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Studying the Dead

Chapter Fifteen - Jesse

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“Thanks for coming with me,” Alice spoke.

I nodded at her as I kept myself close to her and kept my words short with everyone. I didn't want to be here. I curse Alice for guilt-tripping me into coming. It's not like I wouldn't have came anyways, for her and for the enjoyment of the look on everyone's face. I'd do anything for the girl. Anything to close to her delicate skin and the scent of her hair.

The stares I felt making holes in my face broke me from my thoughts. No one wanted me here, nor did I want to be here. The guy was an evil asshole. But no one saw that. Only I did. How was that? No wonder he killed himself. Must have been hard living a double life. A small smirk formed on my face as I nodded to everyone. Irking people is what I do best, is it not?

I continued to walk around with her wearing that stupid, little smirk on my face. I didn't want to make it too obvious I enjoyed that he was dead. I didn't want to be hit by Alice but I did want to send people over the edge.

But being in this room full of grieving people for Trent started making me feel for the guy. I tried to shake the feeling but it stayed. I lightly touched Alice's arm. "I'm going to step out for some air." I said to her then walked away quickly. I pushed open the door to the outside, feeling the air hit my face but the feeling was still there.

How was it possible to feel sadden for a man who's goal was to ruin my very own life? Could it be simply I was feeling overwhelmed from Alice's feelings? Perhaps that was it. There was no possible way it was because I cared for the guy.

"Damn it!" I yelled grabbing at my head with both hands and shaking it rather violently. This wasn't happening. I let one hand fall as the other scratched the back of my head.

There had to be a logical reason for this. The last funeral I had ever been to was my mother's. I was just a child then and had swore I'd never go to another funeral again. But here I am, at Trent's funeral feeling sorry for his ass. It had to be the funeral it's self invoke these feelings. Perhaps it didn't matter who's funeral it was, that it was just a funeral. I walked about a hundred feet from the building just to separate myself a little more.

My mind brought back images of my mother's funeral. I saw myself standing there over her casket at her lifeless body, screaming at her to wake up. I didn't want her to leave me here. Not at this age. My father had to pull me away. But I continued to kick and scream as he did so. My whole world was in that casket. Watching the casket getting further and further away as my father pulled me way only made it worse.

I remember for a whole week I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. I sat in my room staring at her picture for hours, wondering what I did wrong to cause her to do this. I tried to find something wrong that I did so I could bring her back. If only I could make things right, she'd be back. But my heart knew she was gone. I just couldn't get my head to wrap around it. It truly took me months to get over her death. Trent didn't make it any easier.

But I still couldn't find that anger I had for him when I was child or just yesterday. I couldn't even get angry over not being able to get angry at him. It was useless.

I leaned my head against a random wall outside and let out a sigh. I didn't want this feeling nor did I want the flash back. I slammed my fist against the wall. It wasn't hard enough to break any skin though. I walked about a hundred feet from the building just to separate myself a little more. But when I realized the feeling wasn't going to pass, I walked back inside.

It was way too crowded for his taste. He wondered around a bit, giving head nods here and there to everyone. The feeling seemed to well up more inside of me and all I wanted to do was shake off. I never thought there would be a day I actually felt sorry for Trent. But today has surprised me. I found my way back to Alice and continued to stick close by her for the remainder of the time.
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