Finger on the Trigger to My Dear Juliet

I woke up to something being thrown at my chest. I grabbed it with one hand and opened my eyes, rolling over on the hardwood floor.

"What the fuck are you throwing books at me for?" I mumbled, looking up at Ronnie.

"It's not a book Max. It's Charlie's diary. She left today."

"What? You didn't wake me up to say good bye?"

"She didn't want to talk to you. I tried telling her she should say good bye, that you were going to miss her. But you really fucked things up this time Max. I don't think you fucking understand what you did to her."

"I tried to do the right thing Ronnie."

Ronnie sighed, leaning back on his bed and pulling a cigarette out of the pack on his dresser, "You don't do shit for Charlie. If she wants something done, she'll do it herself."

"Well I didn't like seeing her hurt."

"How do you think she feels now? New school? New house? New everything. She doesn't have you to flirt with and hold hands with, and she's not going to have me. She's known me for almost five years now, and you just totally took her away from me."

"Oh shut the fuck up Ronnie," I snapped, "I'm so sick of hearing you bitch and moan. Big fucking deal."

"No, fuck you Max. You know what? You're so god damn selfish. I wasn't even talking about the fact that you fucked up our relationship, I was talking about the fact that Charlie's going to have to deal with everything on her own next year, which you obviously weren't thinking about, you fucking asshole."

I jumped up, throwing the diary on the floor, "I can't believe you Ronnie. Do you really think that being beaten would be better for Charlie?"

"I think whatever Charlie wants is better for Charlie. Not what you think is right, or what I think is right." Ronnie paused, "You think you know her so well, because you have some fucking crush on her. Well, you don't. You don't know her like I do. You don't know anything about her."

"I know her favorite color."

Ronnie sneered, "Oh yeah? Did you have to ask her? Do you even remember what it was?"

I racked my brain, trying to remember, but it seemed like even if my life fucking depended on it, I would have absolutely no idea what Charlie's favorite color was.

"That's what I thought." He snapped, "You're a shitty person."

"Well I'm fucking sorry I didn't memorize every little thing about Charlie and brand it into my fucking brain!"

"If you would just pay attention to the things she says, you wouldn't have to memorize anything. If you would have just paid attention to her and what she actually wanted, she'd still be here."

"You're fucked up."

"I'm fucked up? Why?"

"You can't honestly sit here and tell me that it's better for Charlie to stay with her dad, Ronnie. You and I both know that we're going to miss her, but you can't tell me that it's healthy."

Ronnie stood up from the bed and pulled a t shirt over his head, checking his pocket for a lighter, "You know Max, it seems to me that you know everything. So I'm just going to go ahead and go for a walk. I'm gonna smoke a few cigarettes. And when you figure out how to rule the fucking world, you let me know."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I yelled after him.

"It means that," He turned around and stopped in front of my face, "I'm sick of you fucking everything up. You can go around and fuck girls and ruin your life, and everything around you. But once you show up at my house," He said, pointing at me with a cigarette, "And you start fucking things up for me, and for Charlie, I'm going to get pissed. Your my best friend Max, but I can't stand you. You're a selfish asshole. You don't think about anyone but yourself, and sometimes, you don't even think at all. You're a fucking moron."

I couldn't even form a sentence as Ronnie turned away from me. Fuck you was suddenly not a part of my vocabulary anymore. I was so mad and so pissed off at myself, mostly. As Ronnie's feet carried him down the stairs, I walked back to his bed and sat on the edge of it, running my hands through my hair. I'd gotten all three of us into a huge mess and there was no going back now.

There was no way I could get Charlie back at her dad's house, no matter how hard I tried. Not that I thought that's where she should be. But now she's just completely gone and there's absolutely no way for either Ronnie or I to contact her. Even if there was, it's not like she'd want to talk to me anyways. And the more I think about what Ronnie said earlier, the more I realize how true it is. I just saw Charlie as another girl. She's hot, she's funny and I wanted her.

Another reason was because Ronnie had her. There was always something in me that had to have everything everyone else had. I could never be happy with just what I had personally. I had to take it from someone else. I saw them happy with it, so I figured if I took it, I'd be happy as well. But I never thought about the way that person might feel. I never thought about how much Ronnie actually cared about Charlie, and how much Charlie probably cared about Ronnie. Which I guessed was a lot, but she was so scared to love Ronnie, that she just went for me instead. If she lost me, it wasn't much of a deal, but if she lost Ronnie, that would devastate her.

It was all part of strategy. It's a written rule that people who actually love each other never express their true feelings, because they're too afraid to lose that other person. So in this situation, I was pretty much just someone to like, someone to flirt with. In it's entirety, Charlie's heart was Ronnie's. Whether she admitted that or not, or whether Ronnie knew it, it was true.

I wish they could have told each other that before I fucked everything up though. I pulled at the ends of my hair and gritted my teeth, becoming angrier with myself every second. I picked up the diary sitting on the floor and it felt foreign in my hands. Ever since I'd read it that one day, I swore I'd never read it again. But if Ronnie didn't want me reading it, there'd really be no reason for him dropping it on my chest this morning.

So, I tipped the cover page open and flipped through all the loopy, familiar hand writing, coming to the last page that was written on. Dated last night, was only one sentence written in Charlie's handwriting.

The only reason you should ever trust anyone is if you want to be hurt.

At that moment, I could feel my heart ache. I'd fucked up a lot of things. I was supposed to come and stay with Ronnie so I could fix things, not so I could keep fucking everything up and hurting people. I closed the diary and put it on the floor, pushing it beneath Ronnie's bed. I heard Ronnie's footsteps coming up the stairs and he came into the bedroom, throwing the now empty package of cigarettes on the table.

"Did you read it?" He asked.

I nodded, "Did she leave an address or anything?"

"Her aunt doesn't want her having contact with anyone over here. She's afraid that Charlie will try to come back or something."

I looked up at Ronnie, his eyes blood shot, his hair a mess. And I felt bad. I had suddenly started to realize what I'd done to Charlie, what I'd done to Ronnie. I felt so fucked up.

"I'm sorry Ronnie."

"I know dude." He paused, sitting down next to me, "I really hope this can be that one thing in your life that makes you realize you're not the only person on the face of the Earth."

"It doesn't matter now. I fucked everything up for you."

"I'll miss Charlie. I really will. But I can't let this ruin everything."

"Then why do you let me ruin everything?"

"Because I know you can't help it. You're just a fuck up Max." He chuckled, "Just learn from it this time."