Finger on the Trigger to My Dear Juliet

I sat on Ronnie’s bed, waiting for him to come out of the shower. I knew that I probably wasn’t going to see Charlie until Monday, but I was just terrified. I felt horrible for reading her journal and I know that it was none of my business. And all it did was make everything that much more difficult.

Because now, I know literally everything about her. Every little thing about Charlie Fallon is imprinted on my fucking brain and no matter how hard I try, it’s going to be there and I won’t be able to get rid of it for a long time.

I won’t be able to get rid of the image of her hand writing. Her a’s with their small little tails, big and bubbly like a girl’s hand writing should be. I won’t be able to get rid of all her rants, all her angriness let out into one small book, some pages with ripped edges, some pages with words practically scratched into them, carved onto the next page out of sheer anger.

The way she felt about Ronnie, just scribbled onto every line of every page of that book. Her life just written out for someone to read.

Or more so, for someone not to read. For someone to stay the hell out of. I never understood the concept of keeping a diary. Why would you write something down if you never wanted anyone to see it? I mean, surely it’s just a small cry for help, there’s no reason for someone to take so much time and use so much of their effort to write out all those words, just so no one ever sees it.

There has to be a reason why Charlie wrote all of that down. She just left it in a drawer, half open. If she really didn’t want anyone to read it, she’d have locked it up and hid it between her mattress. I mean, not like I didn’t look there as well, but if she really wanted to keep everything in that book as far away from everyone as she possibly could, there’s no doubt in my mind she would have done a way better job of hiding it. You don’t just spill your guts like that and then leave it hanging out for anyone to walk in and grab.

Regardless, maybe I should have kept my nose out of it. If I never would have found it, I never would have to deal knowing everything before she told me. It’s like knowing a secret about yourself that your friend thinks you don’t know, but you can’t just open your mouth and start spewing about how pissed off you are about it, because you’re not supposed to fucking know.

And I can’t decide on whether or not I should say anything to Ronnie, because I have no doubt in my mind he’d run right to Charlie and tell her. Which, it’s inevitable she will find out eventually. I shouldn’t hide it from her, I just need to think of a way to tell her what I did.

I can’t really recall doing it. I mean, I know I walked into her room and I dug through her stuff to find something to do, her and Ronnie had passed out in the living room, and I was just bored. Then I found her journal and with shaking hands, I opened it. I knew I shouldn’t have the moment I did, because it was obvious that the journal was just full of sad thoughts and the further I got into it, the worse they were going to get.

I felt like a major asshole, going downstairs to wake up Charlie and having to look at her after reading everything about her. I knew literally every little tiny thing. I knew more about her than Ronnie did.

Speaking of Ronnie, every second I spend around him, I start to hate him more and more. I found out what was eating him and why he always got some kind of nasty look whenever Charlie was in a good mood, or happy around me. He’s completely jealous.

And no, that is not derived from my extremely snobbish personality at all, so don’t even go there. I read in Charlie’s own words.

Ronnie tried to get with Charlie. I never remember this occurring. Ever since Ronnie moved away, he’s told me about everything. Every hook up, every kiss, every fling, and even the one relationship he had. And, his relationship seemed to be the only thing that was true in his little spiels. Because, Charlie wrote about him and his girlfriend, Ashley. How all the time, Ashley told Charlie what a huge piece of shit she was and how ugly and stupid she was.

And Ronnie let it all happen. He didn’t do a thing to stop it, because he was angry with Charlie. So, what the fuck would make Ronnie so angry that he let some girl that he’d only dated for a mere couple of weeks to treat Charlie like that?

Because she wouldn’t date him.

Bingo, you’ve got it. Ronnie wanted Charlie, and he’s made it quite obvious that he still wants Charlie, which is why every time I even try to comfort Charlie or take a step in her direction, Ronnie gets his panties in a fucking twist.

All Ronnie’s life, he’s never gotten what he’s wanted. His mom’s a crack whore and left him behind, along with his dad and his brother. His dad works his ass off so much, it’s hard for him to even keep up with Tony, much less Ronnie as well. So, Ronnie’s fucked up here and there, but he’s always been pretty passive. Doesn’t give much trouble to anyone. His mom’s absent, his dad can’t have time to pay attention, and his older brother is too worried about getting ‘fucked up’ do even pay one notch of attention to him.

Most guys steer clear of Ronnie because they find him rather annoying. He can be extremely selfish sometimes and he’ll take whatever the hell he can get, even if it means dating someone’s way too younger sister or their ex girlfriend. He really doesn’t give a flying fuck.

Therefore, any attention he receives comes from that of a teenage girl. So, when he doesn’t get that kind of attention, he becomes extremely pissed off. Which makes me wonder what the hell him and Charlie are still doing, being just friends.

My hands tightened around the crumbled up piece of paper in my pocket as I tried to remember what it said without pulling it from my pocket again.

1/11

Ronnie’s been flirting with me again. I can tell. He’s always trying to hold my hand or asking me to come over to his house and meet his dad, have some dinner or something. Which, I wouldn’t mind doing, except for the fact that I know he likes me. I’m not trying to say that just ‘cause I want to seem cool. I can tell. And it scares me. I just want to stay friends with Ronnie, because I’m afraid that if we date, then we break up, we’ll hate each other and then I’ll have no one.

1/13

Ronnie tried kissing me today. But I told him that we couldn’t date. I told him that my dad wouldn’t approve. My dad hates Ronnie more than he hates me, which I didn’t even realize was possible. Ronnie told me everything would be okay. He didn’t seem mad, just extremely upset which made me feel even worse about the whole thing. It’s times like these I really wish my mom was still alive, so she could help me out with boy problems. And maybe she’d finally have realized that we couldn’t stay with my dad any longer and we’d be living on our own. But that’s not going to happen, because she died, and I’m still living with my dad.

It was the only page I’d managed to take from her journal, there were plenty other pages just filled from top to bottom about the abuse from her father. I’d only skimmed through a few of them, mainly because they made me sick to my stomach to read, much less think about, but also because I’d heard Ronnie making noise downstairs. I don’t even know why I took the page that I did. It’s basically just proof that I’m a total creeper. Not only did I go through her journal, but I also ripped out a page from it.

I ran my thumb over the wrinkled up piece of paper one more time before I heard Ronnie curse loudly and hit the ground outside the bedroom door. I quickly stood up and pulled the door open, seeing Ronnie laying on the ground, his hair wet against his back and dressed in only a pair of boxers.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I laughed.

“I slipped, asshole.”

I stifled another laugh as I held out a hand to help Ronnie up, “Well, get off your ass.”

Once he’d stood up and came about a few inches taller than me, he brushed past me and into his bedroom to grab some clothes, “So what do you want to do today?”

I shrugged, looking over at him and then out his window, catching a glimpse at Charlie’s window.

And I started to wonder how in the world Ronnie was able to stay around Charlie after she’d turned him down. I mean, did he know that she was getting abused at home? Did he know the real reason behind her not wanting to date him? Did it hurt him or was he just angry about the whole situation?

I wanted to ask Ronnie so many god damn things about Charlie, but I knew that if I said the wrong thing, he’d want to know how the fuck I found out most of the things I’d started to ask him. And I don’t think I’d be able to grow a pair and actually tell him.