Vanilla Twilight

Sitting on my back porch overlooking the lake, I couldn’t help but feel sadness in my heart. Everything was so beautiful. The stars were just coming out, scattered in the darkening sky and reflecting on the calm water below. Climbing down from the warmth of the day, a cool breeze would roll by every once in a while, almost making me get my hoodie inside. In the distance I could hear the birds in the trees, singing their songs before they returned to their nests for the night. Everything smelled fresh and new, the way spring was supposed to smell like. How could such a picturesque scene make someone feel so alone?

My mind wandered as to what Jordan was doing. Maybe he was back at our old spot on the beach. Maybe he was in his room, sulking like I had been a few short hours ago. Or maybe he had completely forgotten about me and moved on.

His family was very strict. They accepted the fact that Jordan was gay, but they by no means encouraged his lifestyle. What came first was his music, and I respected that. Every chance he got, his father was pushing him into the studio to record something new or perfect a song. I could tell that he really liked his work and he was very talented. In school, he was always so eager to tell me about something new that he had just gotten done. But he never had free time. He was lucky that his dad let him have the weekends to himself. Sometimes, Jordan told me that he wanted to quit music all together so he could spend more time with me.

My father was strict as well, but for different reasons. I would never dare to come out to him. He’s told me time and time again how he would react if I even thought about liking boys. I was expected to go to school, do my work, and go to college to become a businessman like him. All I wanted to do was write my songs. Of course, I would never be rich, but I learned firsthand from my dad that money can’t buy happiness. It was his strictness that forced my mom to leave. She wanted to take me, but I wouldn’t leave Jordan, so I stayed. I had to suffer, but at least I was with one person who understood me.

Every weekend, Jordan and I would go to the beach, no matter what the weather was like. If it was calm, we would sit and watch the sunset as our feet sunk deeper into the sand. If it was stormy, we would run around the beach and watch the huge waves. If it was cold, we brought a blanket. If it was hot, we brought our swim trunks and swam. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to be with him. He was my boyfriend. He was my love. Now, he’s nothing but a memory.

It was during one of our beach trips when my whole world came crashing down. Much like today, the weather was calm and warm. So, we sat on our blanket snuggled up, watching the sunset. As cliché and fluffy as it sounds, it was actually really nice.

I had my head nuzzled in the crook of his neck and he had his arm around me. We didn’t speak. We didn’t really do anything. We just looked at the sunset and took everything in. Because of where we came from, we never really had time to be together. It was these precious times at the beach that we would finally be able to spend time with each other. They couldn’t be ruined with small talk.

Jordan was the first to talk. “Happy anniversary, Stephen.” He hugged me tighter, not wanting to let go. It was getting late and he knew we had to go soon.

I smiled and recalled that two years ago to the day was when we first started going out. It was just a ploy to get girls at first, but then we really started to love each other. We have been going strong since. “I can’t believe it’s been two years. It feels like I’ve loved you forever.”

He laughed. “Stop being so cheesy.”

“Stop being so fucking gorgeous.” Looking up with a smirk, my eyes met his. They were wide and slightly surprised. Once he saw my expression, he softened up a little and smiled. I sat up and pulled him on my lap, putting my arms around his waist. “Happy anniversary, Jordan.”

Slowly, he put his arms around my neck and leaned forward. He practically tortured me, leaving his face only centimeters from mine and not making a move. I cracked under the temptation and pressed my lips feverishly to his. We both smiled into the kiss and continued to move our lips together. He pulled away slightly and bit his lip to suppress his not so discreet smirk. He gently pushed me down on the blanket and strattled my hips with his arms on my chest. “I’m ready to give you your present, babe.”

I was nervous to say the least. Jordan and I had never done anything past kissing and making out before. But I was up for anything, as long as it meant I would be with him. He bent down and we started kissing again. This time, our lips were moving faster and harder against each other’s. Jordan seemed much more eager to kiss me. Ever so slightly, he grinded his hips into mine as we kissed. At this, I just leaned my head back and bit my lip. Jordan took this as a cue to start kissing my neck. He found my soft spot and kept on kissing it. I let out a soft moan as he kept grinding into me, making my pants a lot tighter than they were before.

I placed my hands on the bottom of his shirt and played with the hem. We disconnected for a second so I could take his shirt off. Then, he came right back down on me and helped me take off mine. I was thankful for the unusually warm weather, or else I would be freezing. He continued to kiss me as I started grinding back. I was starting to completely lose it when I snapped out of it and turned my head in the direction of the voice I had just heard.

There stood my dad, face red with fury. Jordan jumped off of me and fumbled to put his shirt on. “Stephen Jerzak! Get your ass over here!”

“Dad! I-“

“Save it, fag. Get up. We’re leaving. Now.” He turned away and headed for his car, which was parked not far away.

I was left sitting there, fresh tears forming in my eyes. Jordan came down and sat down beside me. “You have to go. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be.”

“I-I can’t face him! Did you see how pissed he just was? Jordan, he’s going to kill me! Please, don’t leave me! Not with him!” I was frantic. I was so scared of what my dad would do to me. He normally wasn’t a violent person. But when somebody pissed him off, he didn’t hesitate to bash their face in.

“You can do this. Just tell him about us. If he loves you, he will understand.” One last time, he kissed me. I tried to draw the strength I needed to confront my dad from the kiss, but it wasn’t much. Jordan was right, though. The longer I waited, the more pissed he would get. I got up, put on my shirt, and started walking away. I turned back once before Jordan was completely out of sight. He was still sitting on the blanket. I swear I saw him crying.

“I love you,” I whispered. I turned back around to face my dad’s car. I climbed in and we sped off. The whole ride was silent. I didn’t know what to expect when we came home.

For the next week, I wasn’t allowed to call anyone or leave the house. Dad had started packing up everything in the house. He told me as soon as we got home that we were moving far away. He said it was for the best that I get away from Jordan. When I tried to argue back, he hit me. I told him that I loved Jordan and that if he loved me, he would accept it. But he only hit me more and said that if I was a good son, that I wouldn’t shame him by being gay. After one last slap across the face, I knew better than to cross him again. So I went into my room and cried.

Numerous times I had attempted to get a hold of Jordan. My dad took away my phone and computer. He even took away the house phone. The only phone left was his cell phone, and I knew that if I called him on that, he would find out. I was left only wondering about how Jordan was doing.

By the end of the week, my father had already found a house to rent in Montana. Being the big businessman that he was, he had the resources to get us out of our California home to Big Sky, Montana, in a heartbeat. I hated him for making me leave, but I had no choice. He was my dad and I had to do what he said. I still had no contact with Jordan. I had no way of telling him what happened or that I loved him.

Now here I am, sitting on my back porch about a week after the move, wondering about what could have been if I stayed. Jordan was my first love. I tried to convince myself that I would get over him. The process, however, was going to take a lot longer than I hoped. I wanted to live my life, but it was so hard without him. Every time I thought that I could go on without him, I looked at my hands and missed the feeling of his holding them. Whenever I closed my eyes, he was right there. I could still smell the salty breeze from the day I left.

“What the hell are you sulking about now? Get inside. It’s getting cold.” My father opened the sliding door and called for me. But I didn’t get up. He just paused for a moment and stared at me. I looked back equally pissed. “Did I fucking stutter? Get in the house! Now, you pussy!”

I stood up before he could lay a finger on me. “Don’t you dare even touch me. You have no right.” I backed away slightly, ready to run in case things got bad.

“I am your father! And you will do what I fucking tell you to do! Now get inside!” Now he was getting mad. He raised his hand to strike me. I took it like a man and didn’t show any expression as he slapped my face. I was sure it was going to leave a welt, but I didn’t care. What was one more mark?

“Oh, you’re my father now? I thought fathers took care of their sons. I thought fathers loved their sons! Now you’re my father? Since when did you ever care about me?” I shook my head and stared him down. I wasn’t giving up without a fight. “I thought I had had it when you forced mom out of the house. But then you uproot me from the one person in this world that I have left? The one person that cares about me? How in the hell are you a father to me?!?”

I think I actually got to him for a second. For a moment, his expression went blank. He seemed almost guilty. Then, he went right back to being pissed. “You accuse me of not caring about you? The reason why we moved here was to get you away from that, that queer! I’m trying to-“

“That queer? Do you hear yourself? You have no idea what love is. No wonder you couldn’t make things work with mom. And now you lost your only son. Have fun dying old and alone with no one to care for you. I’m out of here.” I stormed in the house and went to my bedroom to pack my things. I wasn’t going to stay under his roof any longer. He didn’t control me. I quickly got my backpack and shoved a few important things into it that I needed. Then I got my duffle and stashed as many clothes in it as possible. Everything else in my room was unimportant.

I was just about to leave my room when I saw my dad in the doorway. His face was the reddest I have ever seen it. “Get the fuck over here! You’re not leaving!” I ducked as he took a swing at me. If I didn’t, it would have knocked me out for sure. I quickly got my bags and ran past him into the hallway. But a yard away from the door, he pushed me to the ground. I tried getting back up, but he punched me in the face. I heard something crack as blood poured from my nose. He tried to land another punch, but I rolled out of the way and got up.

“Son of a bitch, leave me alone!” Bags in hand, I bolted out the door as soon as I stood and ran. I didn’t stop until I reached the end of the very long driveway. I looked back to see my dad in the doorway, his silhouette outlined by the light in back of him. I heard him shout some expletives and names, but I got the message. If he ever saw my face again, he’d kill me.

It finally hit me that I was completely alone about two miles down the road. I had been walking down the highway that leads to the city, but it was still in the middle of nowhere. I stopped in the middle of it and dropped my bags. My body just didn’t feel like going on anymore. Instead, I took my stuff to the side of the road and looked out into the field. The moon was bright enough so that I could still see well. The mountains across the way were so beautiful to look at. I just wished that Jordan was there to share the experience.

I sat for a good hour when I suddenly saw a light coming down the road. My first instinct was to hide. It was probably my father, coming to get me. Then, I decided to stay where I was. If it was him, and if he was going to hurt me, I didn’t care anymore. The light blinded me as an unfamiliar white truck stopped right in front of me. Craning my neck, I could only see a slight figure of a person step out of the car and shut the door. Hesitantly, they came over to me. “…Stephen?”

My eyes went wide when I heard his voice. I knew who it was right away. “Jordan?!?” I sprang up and ran to the figure. Sure enough, it was Jordan. I didn’t know why he was here or how, but it didn’t matter. It was him and he was there, regardless. I hugged him as tight as I could. The joy from seeing him almost made my eyes tear. “What are you doing here? How did you-“

“I tried calling you, but you wouldn’t answer. I knew something was wrong, so I looked up your mom in New York. Apparently, your dad called her and told her about everything. She told me where to find you.” His voice sounded so worried. I couldn’t believe that he would go to such lengths to find me.

“Did you go to my house? My dad, he could have killed you!”

He just held me tighter. “I was on my way, then I found you. What happened?” He pulled away and wiped off some of the dried blood on my face. “Did he do this to you?”

I closed my eyes and nodded. My dad had never hit me before. Well, not like this. It was only when he found out about Jordan and I when he started really hurting me. I slumped forward and cried into his shirt. “I was on my way out the door and he clubbed me in the face. I ran away. I’m not going back there. I don’t have anyone anymore…”

“Hey…” He took my chin and lifted it up. Even though it was dark, I could still see the sincerity in his eyes. “You have me.” I smiled as he leaned forward and kissed me. I missed the feeling of his lips on mine. We savored the moment as long as we could. He pulled away and I frowned. “Babe, listen to me. My dad just got me a contract. I’m going to New York. And you’re coming with me.”

“Wh-what? You got a contract? That’s great! And we’re going to New York?” I was so excited. I was finally going to get away from my old life. I could finally live the life that I wanted to.

“Only if you want to. And I talked to your mom after she told me where to find you. She says she can’t wait to see you.” We both laughed out of relief and kept on hugging.

“I love you.” I took his hand in mine and kissed him again. I could get used to him being there to hold.