I'll Never Say I Love You

As soon as Maths was finished, Melissa raced off to go and buy some food, saying that she would meet me at the group table. She also said that if she found out I had been speaking to the other girls about it before she got there, she would be pouring the bottle of soda she was going to buy over my head. I knew she would never do it, but this was just Melissa’s style – she had a habit of handing out threats like this to Kate, Janice and me, but we knew better than to believe her. We knew that at the end of it all, she was our friend and would never say anything that mean and have intent behind it.

After Melissa abandoned me, I struggled to make my way through the crowds towards my locker, but managed it in a spectacle nothing short of a miracle. Who would have guessed that a school with such a small population could form such large crowds? It really sucked to be so short compared to everyone else. Once again battling the crowds – seriously, I think no one realised there were other pathways in the school – I walked to the table. Kate was there waiting, but Janice was nowhere to be seen.

“She’s gone to buy food,” Kate said, answering my unasked question when she saw me looking at the table confused. “I’m gonna guess Melissa has done the same?”

I nodded, taking my spot. I pulled my food out of my bag.

“So, where were you this morning?” Kate asked, leaning forward and waggling her eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes at her to show her how absurd the idea of what she was insinuating – that I had been with a guy sexually – was for someone like me. She laughed good-naturedly. ‘Overslept,’ I signed.

Kate nodded. “Figured it was something like that. Why weren’t you online last night?”

I stuffed a biscuit in my mouth and chewed. ‘Slept at Alex’s,’ I signed.

“Ah.”

Janice and Melissa arrived and took their places. Janice opened a packet of chips and put them in the middle of the table, obviously intending for everyone to share. Kate, being the health food nut that she is, wrinkled her nose at it. I, however, helped myself to one.

“Tahara?” Melissa questioned, looking at me pointedly.

I shook my head, smiling. I was the first topic on the agenda three days in a row. This was turning out to be a very good week for me.

“What’s going on here?” Kate asked suspiciously, her eyes flickering between the two of us.

“Indeed,” Janice agreed, leaning forward in anticipation and picking up a chip.

I poised my fingers to explain but Melissa, being the gossip queen she is, beat me to the punch. “Kyle asked Tahara to go to the Valentines Dance with him!” she exclaimed excitedly, putting an arm around me.

I shrugged helplessly, a smile on my face. How could I not smile when the discussion was centred around my first date, with a cute guy nonetheless?

“Ooooh,” Kate and Janice chorused.

“He asked her after Home Ec,” Melissa continued, beaming at me quickly before turning her attention back to the other two. “You won’t believe how nervous he looked! Though you wouldn’t have been able to notice it, this one here” – she jerked her head in my direction – “was redder than a capsicum.”

“I’m so happy for you, Tahara,” Janice gushed. “Finally, a date for our little mute! You’re certainly growing up!”

‘Thanks,’ I signed, blushing ever so slightly. It was comforting how the three sometimes treated me like I was a child, but they never took it too far. They were simply very protective of me.

“Looks like that new mop of yours is worth it, then,” Kate said, waving a hand towards my curls.

I twirled one of them affectionately, grinning.

“Just be careful, Tahara,” Kate continued, her smile fading a little bit. Mine did as well. “I was chatting to one of the girls at netball last night who are in his Phys Ed class, and apparently every girl in that class was throwing herself at him.”

I groaned silently. ‘Stellar Stella included, I know,’ I signed. ‘Alex,’ I added, seeing the confused look on her face as she struggled to figure out how I knew.

Kate nodded. “I’m just saying, men who women throw themselves at seldom ignore the attention. You don’t want to be with some guy who’s going to spend half the date checking out other chicks.”

I went to roll my eyes at her, adamant on informing her that I could take care of myself, but Janice cut me off, so to speak. “But, we’re sure you’ll be able to handle that should the situation arise,” she said tactfully, elbowing Kate slightly.

“Just looking out for her,” she grumbled.

Was I required to walk around with a giant sign on my forehead telling people that I am fifteen, not five, and that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself?

“Melissa, tell us exactly how it happened!” Janice begged.

Melissa was all too happy to oblige, and I didn’t object because she was a far better storyteller than what I was. Her eye for detail and ability to engage people with stories was a formidable combination.

“Not quite romantic, but better than nothing I guess,” Janice commented when Melissa finished her vivid recap.

“You’re going to have to tell him where you live, Tahara,” Kate pointed out. “You’re also going to have to pick out a dress! And we’ll have to sort out jewellery and a hairdo to compliment the new you! And shoes!”

The three of them gasped and clapped their hands like little schoolgirls.

***

As Alex’s last class on a Wednesday was Phys Ed, I was waiting outside the library for him at the end of the day. I tried to become one with the wall as the hordes of people filed past me, fearful of being trampled.

“Tahara!” a newly familiar voice called as I was trying to be invisible. I waved as I saw Kyle making his way over to me.

He grinned down at me. “Waiting for someone?” he asked, leaning against the wall casually.

I nodded. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some girls walking past looking at him with desire. I felt an urge to claw their eyes out, but resisted.

Dear gosh, exactly how jealous was I?

A couple of the meatheads walking past did the typical jock thing, hitting Kyle and then calling his name and hooting as they continued walking. I rolled my eyes in their general direction, mentally thanking God that Kyle couldn’t see me.

“About the dance...” Kyle began, grinning at me. He looked so full of confidence, far different to what he had this morning. What had happened to make him change?

“Tarie, no time for dilly-dallying!” Alex called, jostling his way towards me.

I gave him a look that I hoped clearly said ‘not now, please’. Either he completely ignored it or it didn’t work, likely the former, as he continued approaching me.

“Yes now, Tahara Melina Anderson,” he argued, grabbing me lightly by the wrist. “Your mother promised me Alexuffles today!”

For your benefit, I’ll what Alexuffles are. Alexuffles are Alex’s truffles – some dark chocolate, some milk chocolate and some white chocolate, dusted with an assortment of chocolate flakes, hundreds and thousands, and shredded coconut. Alex has loved truffles since he could eat solid food, and came up with the various Alexuffle combinations when we were experimenting one day.

Now, back to Alex’s hand around my wrist.

He started to drag me away from Kyle, towards our lockers. I hit his arm, trying to stand my ground despite his pull on me and the crowds walking past me.

“Tahara!” he groaned, stopping and letting go of my wrist. “Alexuffles!”

‘It’s not like they’re going to disappear. Now let me finish my conversation,’ I signed, gesturing towards Kyle.

Before I could gauge his reaction, I turned back to Kyle and smiled at him, eyes wide, as if to say ‘please continue’.

“I am never going to be able to understand fluent sign language,” he said, shaking his head. “On the bright side, I now know your full name,” he added thoughtfully, smiling down at me.

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly.

He laughed. “Cute. Very cute.” He looked towards Alex, and sighed. “Your friend” – he placed air quotes around the word – “looks like he’ll explode if I make him wait any longer. You go, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.”

I pouted.

“I’m serious, Tahara. Go. He looks more anxious than a three year old who knows that if he doesn’t get to the bathroom in the next five seconds, he is going to wet his pants.”

I giggled at the analogy, and Kyle grinned at me. I love the way his eyes danced when he smiled. The flecks of colour seemed to move around.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, turning and waving goodbye to me as he walked along with the crowd.

I sighed unhappily as he walked away from me, angry at another ruined opportunity. Alex took it as a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, I’m glad he’s gone as well. Now hurry, Tahara, we need to go and eat the Alexuffles!” he said quickly, pulling me close to his side as we walked to our lockers.

Thankfully, Alex seemed to calm down as soon as we were away from the people. I was extremely grateful, as his anxiety and desire to get to my unit and eat his treat gave him lots of energy. I worried that if he got any more energy, he would be bouncing off the walls.

We walked quickly and silently on the way to the unit. I barely took in the world around me. I was still on autopilot, trying to process the day. Kyle had asked me to the dance. He had called me cute when I rolled my eyes at him. Sure, to most other fifteen-year-old girls this was nothing spectacular, but to me it was massive. It was the first time a guy had ever noticed me in that way, and I was milking it up.

When we got to the unit, Alex didn’t so much open the door as nearly throw the poor thing off the hinge. He raced in and I closed the door gently after us, as though to apologise for his roughness. By the time I turned around, Alex had thrown his backpack to the ground and was grabbing an assortment of his precious Alexuffles.

“Any idea where Mandy is?” he asked, pausing to look at me for my answer.

I gently placed my bag next to my favourite chair. ‘Maybe off giving some to the neighbours,’ I answered uncertainly.

“Makes sense,” Alex replied.

He took his plate over to the lounge room and sat on the futon while I walked to the kitchen to get some Alexuffles for myself. I tried not to take too many, not because I wanted to restrict my intake – the things were delicious – but because I wanted Alex to have as many as he could. Once I had a fair amount, I went and sat down in my favourite chair.

“Where’s Snowball this afternoon?” Alex asked.

I looked to his lap, surprised to see that Maxwell wasn’t already curled up there. ‘I don’t know,’ I answered, starting to feel slightly worried.

I put my plate down on the coffee table, giving Alex a ‘touch them and die’ glare. He held his hands up in mock-surrender. I walked to the bathroom to see if Maxwell was eating, but he wasn’t there. I looked in my room to see if he was curled up on my bed or the pile of clothes Mum would have put on my desk for me to put away while I was at Alex’s the night before, but he wasn’t in there. I was panicking now. Where else could he be? He wouldn’t be in Mum and Dad’s room, as the door was always closed. He wouldn’t have snuck in there when Mum was in there earlier either, as he was terrified of the stuffed dog toy that stood in the doorway. Had he run away? I didn’t even want to think that. I went back out to the lounge room and looked at Alex, waiting for him to make eye contact with me.

“Not anywhere?” Alex asked when he saw me looking panicked and upset.

I shook my head. ‘Can you give Mum a call?’ I asked.

Alex nodded and grabbed the phone, dialling Mum’s mobile number. “Hey, Mandy, it’s Alex,” he said quietly.