I'll Never Say I Love You

Another two months flew by. I was falling for Kyle, I really was. He just made my life feel like it was worth something. He made me feel like a better person than what I was. When he kissed me, I felt alive. When he touched me, I felt sparks flying throughout my body. Even eye contact was enough to send my heart racing.

Of course, there were a few downsides.

The first was that Kate, Melissa, Janice and I barely spoke these days. I spent every break with Kew and the other Girlfriends watching Kyle play. I was really sad, and I missed them a lot, but when Kyle gave me those puppy dog eyes, I found it impossible to say no when he asked me to watch him. He made a compromise for me though; we spent one break a week sitting and chatting, just the two of us. His sign language was really improving, and he could understand the majority of what I was saying. It made me happy that I didn’t always have to use my notebook with him. Still, I missed my girlfriends. We hung out in class still, but it just wasn’t the same anymore. It was like we had gone from best friends to classmates.

Another downside was that Kyle and Alex didn’t get along at all. They hated each other and generally refused to acknowledge one another’s presence when they were together. I knew what Kyle’s problem was because he reminded me of it so often – he felt that Alex was in love with me and trying to steal me away from him. I constantly told Kyle that he was being ridiculous and that Alex and I were nothing more than friends. Alex felt that Kyle was an overprotective, possessive, arrogant arsehole who needed to get off his high horse and let me live my own life. Between the two of them I felt like I was living two lives – Tahara for Kyle and Tarie for Alex.

The only other problem was that Kyle was pressuring me for sex. Every time we were alone at either of our houses, it seemed to be all he wanted. I tried to tell him that I wasn’t ready, but unless I physically got up and walked away at the time, he just didn’t seem to listen to me. The closest we had gotten was both of us being in our underwear together doing some extreme making out, and that was the furthest I intended on letting it get until I was ready to go all the way.

On the bright side, my grades were fantastic, school was nearly out for the semester, Maxwell was nearly seven months old and still as fluffy and cute as ever, and my parents were leaving on their holiday tonight. That meant that Alex and I would be spending the week alone together at my house. I enjoyed thinking about how giddy that thought had made me four months ago, when I was in love with him. While Alex would always have a special place in my heart, now it was just like having a sleepover with one of my girlfriends.

Girlfriends. Sigh. I miss them.

Anyway, it was a cold June Monday. Melissa was away, so Kyle and I were partnered together in Home Economics. It was the first time we had cooked together, and I have to admit, I wasn’t enjoying it. Kyle’s lack of enthusiasm really bugged me and I ended up doing most of the work cooking our chocolate pudding. I didn’t complain, however; it was cooking. I loved cooking.

“Tahara!” Alex called from across the kitchen shortly before the end of the lesson, just after Kyle and I had finished cooking. I turned and saw him grinning at me.

‘What?’ I asked.

“Come try some of mine!” he responded.

I rolled my eyes at him, but walked across to his bench. ‘You better not have poisoned this,’ I signed, glaring at him.

As always, Alex knew I was just joking. “Just a dash of arsenic,” he shrugged, looking serious, but the light in his eyes told me that he was just kidding around, being a goofball. “I may also have replaced half my sugar with crystal meth.”

I laughed while he scooped me a spoonful of pudding. ‘Because what’s a chocolate pudding without a bit of crystal meth?’ I signed, making a sarcastic ‘Isn’t that always the way?’ face.

“Open wide for the aeroplane, Tahara!” Alex said, holding the spoon up. I opened my mouth obediently. He made noises like an aeroplane, flying the spoon through the air before placing it in my mouth, like the way you feed a baby.

I chewed the pudding thoughtfully. It seemed to melt in my mouth. ‘That actually tastes really good,’ I signed, my face completely serious to let him know I was telling the truth.

“Thanks, Tarie,” he replied, beaming, placing the spoon in the sink. As he turned back to look at me, his eyes seemed to catch something behind me.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, turning around to try and see what it was.

“Your boyfriend is glaring at us,” he murmured, and then I saw it.

Kyle was indeed did not look happy at all. His arms were crossed over his chest and he was tapping his left foot impatiently. I gave him a small wave and turned back to Alex, tapping him lightly on the arm to get his attention.

‘Chill, he’s just protective of me,’ I signed, trying to look nonchalant. I had a feeling I was failing. I knew that Alex was bothered by how protective Kyle was of me.

“He’s overprotective of you, Tahara,” Alex replied in a low voice, echoing my suspicions and looking angry. “Is he like this with every guy you talk to?”

I tried to avoid his eyes. That gave him his answer better than I ever could, words or no.

“What is his problem with me?” Alex hissed, his face right in front of mine. My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn’t tell whether it was from fear or the desire for him that lay dormant within me. “I haven’t done anything to hurt him.”

I contemplated my answer for a few moments. ‘He sees you as a threat to our relationship,’ I signed, trying to make sure that Kyle couldn’t see me. I then realised that this was why Alex was getting right up in my face, and that both actions would make Kyle suspicious.

“A threat?” Alex scoffed. “Tahara, unhappy as I am with him or the relationship, you seem to be happy. I would never jeopardise that happiness.”

That answer confused me. It seemed like the typical Alex answer would have been ‘I don’t like you in that way, he should know that’. Why hadn’t he just said that, instead of prattling on about my happiness? Unless...

Unless saying that would have been a lie? Unless he did like me that way? My eyes widened at him. I started to move my hands to question him about it, but stopped when I saw Kyle appear out of the corner of my eye.

“Tahara, we have to do our dishes,” he murmured, then grabbed me by the elbow and steered me towards our kitchen. I walked reluctantly, turning back to look at Alex. I saw him waving goodbye, looking sad to see me go. But there was something else in his eyes, something I had never seen there before when he had looked at me – longing.

Dear gosh. I was right. Alex Roberts liked me as more than just a friend.

“I don’t like the amount of time the two of you spend together,” Kyle muttered when we reached our kitchen. He handed me a tea towel.

‘Why?’ I signed, frowning and putting down the tea towel. ‘We’re just friends.’

“To you, maybe,” he said. His tone of voice, the emphasis of his words, suggested that he wasn’t done speaking to me about the issue. I waited, but he didn’t continue.

I had a feeling the issue was not going to be let down easily.

When the bell rang, Kyle practically dragged me from the classroom to the benches near the basketball court. By dragging, I meant that he held a tight grip on my elbow which he did not release until we were there. I rubbed my elbow sorely and sat in my spot, grumbling internally about having to spend another lunch break watching this ridiculous sport when I would much rather be hanging out with my friends, who I missed sorely.

That’s when it hit me – what the hell was I doing here? Why was I letting some guy boss me around? I was allowing Kyle to control me, and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought. While I had never exactly been confident with myself before he came along, I never would have allowed myself to be controlled like this. I questioned for a moment whether it was normal in relationships, but quickly dismissed the thought. No other couple I knew was like this – not Mum and Dad, not Sandy and Brian, and not Sandy and Mick from what I could remember before Mick passed away. Exactly what kind of magic had Kyle worked over me?

As I was watching Kyle and his friends – whose names I still didn’t know – play basketball, I sensed Alex’s presence. I turned my head immediately, and saw him striding confidently towards the benches. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I lifted my legs and twisted one-eighty on the bench, trying my hardest not to display my underwear to the world, so that I would be facing Alex.

“Hey, Tahara,” Alex said, sitting next to me and smiling at me.

‘Hi Alex,’ I said, surprised that he had come here. Remembering what had happened in Home Economics, with my realisation, seeing him smile caused my heartbeat to pick up once more. ‘To what do I owe this visit?’

Alex opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, shaking his head slightly. I frowned as he started speaking again. “I just wondered whether you wanted me at your place tonight, seeing as how your parents are leaving pretty early tomorrow morning,” he said.

I could tell he was lying, but decided not to call him out about it. ‘No, you’re fine. They leave at three tomorrow morning; I’ll be fine by myself for a few hours until I get to school. You spend this afternoon and tonight your family and I’ll be with mine.’ I beamed at him. ‘Thanks for caring, though.’

“Not a problem,” Alex replied, getting up. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon at the lockers, then.”

“Not on your life, Roberts,” Kyle stated from behind me. His voice was so cold that penguins would be shivering if they heard it. I stood up, standing next to Alex.

Alex glared at him. “You don’t really have a say in that, Kyle,” he replied.

“Actually, Roberts, I do,” Kyle sneered at Alex.

I flinched reflexively at that sneer. ‘Kyle, please stop,’ I signed, looking pleadingly at him.

“Come here, Tahara,” Kyle murmured, not taking his eyes off Alex.

Here it was. The controlling. Why was I only just now noticing how wrong it was for him to treat me like that? Surely it had been happening previously. Why was I only just now realising it?

The answer to those questions was standing to my right, of course. It all fitted together. I started realising Kyle’s faults as soon as Alex had shown the same interest in me that I had had in him for years.

“Tahara,” Kyle snapped, his eyes flickering to me.

“Tahara doesn’t have to move if she doesn’t want to, Kyle,” Alex said sternly.

I had a very bad feeling. It was as though a war was about to erupt between these two. The bench that Alex and I had been sitting on served as the battle line that had been drawn. Kyle and his friends stood on one side, one competitor in the war. Alex stood alone on the other side. Even though I was physically next to him, facing Kyle, I could not put myself on either side in a war between these two. I would force myself to remain neutral. I didn’t want them to be fighting over me.

But, in a weird way, it gave me a sick kind of ego boost.