Status: Completed
I'll Never Say I Love You
23
As I cooked breakfast the next morning, taking the day off school to compensate for farewelling my parents at 3am, I realised that something no one had considered during the argument that effectively banned Alex from seeing me was the fact that he was supposed to be living at my house beginning the next day. I didn’t know what to tell my parents when they asked why Alex wasn’t there over dinner Monday night, so I lied. I told them that Alex would be coming over starting Tuesday.
Little did I know that my lie would become the truth.
I had just finished cooking my breakfast when my attention was drawn to the front door. I frowned. That couldn’t be right. Alex had agreed to keep his distance, although he had been angry about it. In any case, he was supposed to be at school. It wasn’t like Alex to say something and then do the exact opposite. As far as I knew, he had never broken a promise to anyone. Maybe he had detected how upset I was with Kyle trying to ban us from seeing one another, and had come over despite his anger towards me for being with Kyle, just to see me happy. Maybe his feelings for me outweighed his compulsion to follow the ‘rules’. Either was plausible.
I heard the jingle of keys, and then the door opened. Alex stepped into the room, looking at me warily. I didn’t even try to hide my delight. I raced out of the kitchen smiling, and threw my arms around him in a welcoming hug. I could sense his hesitation, and could tell that he was afraid to show me any form of affection because of the ban Kyle had enforced. At that moment, I hugged him tighter, feeling guilty. How could I not have fought harder to prevent a ban that prevented me from seeing my best friend?
I stepped back and looked at Alex. ‘Forget about the ban. Kyle can’t tell me who I can and can’t see,’ I signed.
Alex gave a small smile. “So, it’s safe for me to be here?” he asked jokingly, but he didn’t seem to have his whole heart in it. I couldn’t blame him.
‘As safe as safe can be,’ I signed proudly, smiling at him. I wanted him to know that I had no hard feelings towards him.
“So, why aren’t you at school?’ he asked, not moving from the doorway.
It was then that I noticed he was in his school uniform. ‘I couldn’t get to sleep after seeing my parents off and so decided to give myself the day off,’ I signed. ‘You?’
Alex shrugged. “I walked past your first class and saw you weren’t in there. Came to see why, I guess.”
Alex closed and locked the door behind him as I walked back to the kitchen. I heard him sit in the chair, and then heard the ringing of the bell around Maxwell’s neck as he assumedly jumped into Alex’s lap. I grabbed the bowl my scrambled eggs was in and walked over to the lounge.
“How old is Snowball now? He’s gotten so big without me realising,” Alex commented.
I almost laughed at his attempt to make idle conversation when there was obviously something on his mind, but managed not to. I put my bowl down on the coffee table. ‘He’s seven months old now.’
As I sat down on the lounge, Maxwell jumped off Alex’s lap and raced across to jump on mine, sniffing eagerly at my food. “What have you cooked?”
Okay, this was getting pathetic. All I could smell was scrambled eggs; he had to recognise it. How could he not? If he had to stoop to this level to distract himself from whatever it was he really wanted to say, then it was definitely something big on his mind, something that was bound to hurt my feelings. I knew that having something like this weighing on his mind would be hurting him, tearing him up inside. I wouldn’t be able to stand that.
‘What’s on your mind?’ I asked, looking at him intently, my eyes trained on his face.
Alex hesitated. “It’s about Kyle,” he said uncertainly, as though he was unsure about how to approach the subject.
‘Alex, you know you can tell me anything. You never have to be afraid of hurting me,’ I signed, smiling warmly at him.
Alex smiled back at me weakly as I munched my scrambled eggs. “We’ll talk once you’ve finished eating. I wouldn’t want to come between you and your scrambled eggs. I’ll just wait in your room while you finish eating, so I don’t distract you.”
Quickly, he stood up and walked into my bedroom. I swear I have never eaten so fast. I think I nearly choked three times, but somehow managed to empty my bowl and walk into my room, afraid. Was what he had to tell me really so bad? I couldn’t think of anything.
Alex was leaning casually against the cupboard as I walked in. I sat down on the edge of my bed, watching him expectantly, and waiting for him to blow my mind. I had no idea what was going through his head, other than possibly angry thoughts directed at me and Kyle. He pushed himself off the cupboard with both strength and grace and walked towards me.
“Tahara, you need to break up with Kyle,” he said firmly, looking determined.
I was shocked. I knew he was angry with Kyle, but to go to this extent was not like him. He would never tell me what to do. He had even said yesterday that he wouldn’t jeopardise my happiness – then again, that was before the fight. Everything has changed since the fight. ‘Why’s that?’ I signed, saddened.
“You’re just not right for each other,” he groaned impatiently. I could see that he was beginning to get angry. “He’s some jock loser who has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Tarie, you’d never be with someone like that.”
I was stung. ‘How do you know we’re not right for each other?’ I signed, beginning to feel a little bit angry myself. ‘You have no idea who he is when it’s just the two of us talking. For all you know, he might be the perfect guy for me.’
“Everyone can tell,” Alex said angrily, pacing the length of my room. “It’s not just me. There is not a single one of your friends who think that the two of you are right for each other.”
‘He and I get along just fine,’ I signed, trying to make my face look as angry as it could. Inside, I was worried. Had he been talking to my friends? He had never spoken to them without me!
Alex laughed. “He and you, Tahara? He and you? He has no idea who the real you is! You’ve become so blinded by your affection” – he spit the word, as though it was physically paining him to say it – “for this loser that you can’t see what you’ve become!” He was practically shouting now, and it made me cringe. He saw this and softened, but his voice still held dismay when he spoke. “When was the last time you sat down and took a good look at yourself, Tahara? Not a look in the mirror. A look at who you are on the inside.”
‘People change all the time. I’m just changing as I get older,’ I signed defensively. I knew that what he was saying held some truth, but I was too stubborn and too proud to admit it.
“You and I both know that’s a lie,” Alex said quietly, sitting down on the bed beside me. He slowly placed a hand on my knee. I knew that I should have grabbed it and moved it, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My heart was beating so fast that the blood flow to my head was making me dizzy, confused, and I didn’t know what to do. “You’re so excited the fact that someone likes you as more than a friend that you’re moulding yourself to fit into the palm of his hand,” he whispered as he looked into my eyes intently, reaching his hand up to tuck a loose curl behind my ear. “I’ve always loved you, Tarie. Somewhere inside, I think I’ve always known that you and I are meant to be together. All it took was seeing you with someone else to bring that to the forefront.”
My breathing was shallow, and even if my brain was working enough for me to have said something, my hands were shaking so much from nerves that I never would have been able to get the message through. The hand that Alex had used to tuck the curl behind my ear was loosely cupping my cheek. I didn’t even want to know what my face looked like. I expected it to look like Alex’s – a mixture of longing and pain, desire and fear. I don’t think it would have looked as good on me as it did on him, though. There was no way I could be that beautiful.
When Alex spoke again, his voice was barely audible. I don’t know why he was whispering, but it somehow fit the mood of the room. “I love you, Tahara Melina Anderson. I always have and I always will.” He hesitated, his gaze flickering away for the briefest fraction of a second before it returned with a new determination. “I know you do as well,” he said, a bit louder.
Little did I know that my lie would become the truth.
I had just finished cooking my breakfast when my attention was drawn to the front door. I frowned. That couldn’t be right. Alex had agreed to keep his distance, although he had been angry about it. In any case, he was supposed to be at school. It wasn’t like Alex to say something and then do the exact opposite. As far as I knew, he had never broken a promise to anyone. Maybe he had detected how upset I was with Kyle trying to ban us from seeing one another, and had come over despite his anger towards me for being with Kyle, just to see me happy. Maybe his feelings for me outweighed his compulsion to follow the ‘rules’. Either was plausible.
I heard the jingle of keys, and then the door opened. Alex stepped into the room, looking at me warily. I didn’t even try to hide my delight. I raced out of the kitchen smiling, and threw my arms around him in a welcoming hug. I could sense his hesitation, and could tell that he was afraid to show me any form of affection because of the ban Kyle had enforced. At that moment, I hugged him tighter, feeling guilty. How could I not have fought harder to prevent a ban that prevented me from seeing my best friend?
I stepped back and looked at Alex. ‘Forget about the ban. Kyle can’t tell me who I can and can’t see,’ I signed.
Alex gave a small smile. “So, it’s safe for me to be here?” he asked jokingly, but he didn’t seem to have his whole heart in it. I couldn’t blame him.
‘As safe as safe can be,’ I signed proudly, smiling at him. I wanted him to know that I had no hard feelings towards him.
“So, why aren’t you at school?’ he asked, not moving from the doorway.
It was then that I noticed he was in his school uniform. ‘I couldn’t get to sleep after seeing my parents off and so decided to give myself the day off,’ I signed. ‘You?’
Alex shrugged. “I walked past your first class and saw you weren’t in there. Came to see why, I guess.”
Alex closed and locked the door behind him as I walked back to the kitchen. I heard him sit in the chair, and then heard the ringing of the bell around Maxwell’s neck as he assumedly jumped into Alex’s lap. I grabbed the bowl my scrambled eggs was in and walked over to the lounge.
“How old is Snowball now? He’s gotten so big without me realising,” Alex commented.
I almost laughed at his attempt to make idle conversation when there was obviously something on his mind, but managed not to. I put my bowl down on the coffee table. ‘He’s seven months old now.’
As I sat down on the lounge, Maxwell jumped off Alex’s lap and raced across to jump on mine, sniffing eagerly at my food. “What have you cooked?”
Okay, this was getting pathetic. All I could smell was scrambled eggs; he had to recognise it. How could he not? If he had to stoop to this level to distract himself from whatever it was he really wanted to say, then it was definitely something big on his mind, something that was bound to hurt my feelings. I knew that having something like this weighing on his mind would be hurting him, tearing him up inside. I wouldn’t be able to stand that.
‘What’s on your mind?’ I asked, looking at him intently, my eyes trained on his face.
Alex hesitated. “It’s about Kyle,” he said uncertainly, as though he was unsure about how to approach the subject.
‘Alex, you know you can tell me anything. You never have to be afraid of hurting me,’ I signed, smiling warmly at him.
Alex smiled back at me weakly as I munched my scrambled eggs. “We’ll talk once you’ve finished eating. I wouldn’t want to come between you and your scrambled eggs. I’ll just wait in your room while you finish eating, so I don’t distract you.”
Quickly, he stood up and walked into my bedroom. I swear I have never eaten so fast. I think I nearly choked three times, but somehow managed to empty my bowl and walk into my room, afraid. Was what he had to tell me really so bad? I couldn’t think of anything.
Alex was leaning casually against the cupboard as I walked in. I sat down on the edge of my bed, watching him expectantly, and waiting for him to blow my mind. I had no idea what was going through his head, other than possibly angry thoughts directed at me and Kyle. He pushed himself off the cupboard with both strength and grace and walked towards me.
“Tahara, you need to break up with Kyle,” he said firmly, looking determined.
I was shocked. I knew he was angry with Kyle, but to go to this extent was not like him. He would never tell me what to do. He had even said yesterday that he wouldn’t jeopardise my happiness – then again, that was before the fight. Everything has changed since the fight. ‘Why’s that?’ I signed, saddened.
“You’re just not right for each other,” he groaned impatiently. I could see that he was beginning to get angry. “He’s some jock loser who has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Tarie, you’d never be with someone like that.”
I was stung. ‘How do you know we’re not right for each other?’ I signed, beginning to feel a little bit angry myself. ‘You have no idea who he is when it’s just the two of us talking. For all you know, he might be the perfect guy for me.’
“Everyone can tell,” Alex said angrily, pacing the length of my room. “It’s not just me. There is not a single one of your friends who think that the two of you are right for each other.”
‘He and I get along just fine,’ I signed, trying to make my face look as angry as it could. Inside, I was worried. Had he been talking to my friends? He had never spoken to them without me!
Alex laughed. “He and you, Tahara? He and you? He has no idea who the real you is! You’ve become so blinded by your affection” – he spit the word, as though it was physically paining him to say it – “for this loser that you can’t see what you’ve become!” He was practically shouting now, and it made me cringe. He saw this and softened, but his voice still held dismay when he spoke. “When was the last time you sat down and took a good look at yourself, Tahara? Not a look in the mirror. A look at who you are on the inside.”
‘People change all the time. I’m just changing as I get older,’ I signed defensively. I knew that what he was saying held some truth, but I was too stubborn and too proud to admit it.
“You and I both know that’s a lie,” Alex said quietly, sitting down on the bed beside me. He slowly placed a hand on my knee. I knew that I should have grabbed it and moved it, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My heart was beating so fast that the blood flow to my head was making me dizzy, confused, and I didn’t know what to do. “You’re so excited the fact that someone likes you as more than a friend that you’re moulding yourself to fit into the palm of his hand,” he whispered as he looked into my eyes intently, reaching his hand up to tuck a loose curl behind my ear. “I’ve always loved you, Tarie. Somewhere inside, I think I’ve always known that you and I are meant to be together. All it took was seeing you with someone else to bring that to the forefront.”
My breathing was shallow, and even if my brain was working enough for me to have said something, my hands were shaking so much from nerves that I never would have been able to get the message through. The hand that Alex had used to tuck the curl behind my ear was loosely cupping my cheek. I didn’t even want to know what my face looked like. I expected it to look like Alex’s – a mixture of longing and pain, desire and fear. I don’t think it would have looked as good on me as it did on him, though. There was no way I could be that beautiful.
When Alex spoke again, his voice was barely audible. I don’t know why he was whispering, but it somehow fit the mood of the room. “I love you, Tahara Melina Anderson. I always have and I always will.” He hesitated, his gaze flickering away for the briefest fraction of a second before it returned with a new determination. “I know you do as well,” he said, a bit louder.