I'll Never Say I Love You

As Alex leant towards me, closing his eyes slowly, my mind went from being blank to being in overdrive. He was going to kiss me. There was nothing I had ever wanted more since I had started to crush on him, and now it was finally here. But I also had to think of Kyle. We had a connection, but it was nowhere near as strong as the connection between Alex and me. In time, that might be able to change, but I doubted it. Alex was right – he and I had always been intended to wind up together. I loved him more than I loved life itself, for all the right reasons. He loved me for who I was, not who I had become. He had never asked anything of me. We were two halves of a whole, yin and yang – we needed a part of the other to survive, and we fit together perfectly.

Alex’s eyes were closed now, he lips only inches from my own. My mind was still in overdrive as I considered everything. I liked Kyle, and enjoyed the relationship we had. But Alex was right – he enjoyed being with the person I had become, the person I had thought he wanted to be with. I wasn’t being honest with him, and I wasn’t being honest with myself. Then there were the fights we had, seemingly never ending and over the smallest things. There was the wedge he had driven between me and all my friends. Had control been the only thing he had ever wanted from me, other than the sex thing?

Alex was now so close that I could smell the vegemite on his breath. My eyes were closed expectantly. A part of me was screaming that being with Alex was right, natural, and what I deserved. It shouted that Kyle didn’t love me, that he only loved being with me for the physical aspects of myself. He was after the body and the sex, not the mind and the soul. At the same time, I was committed to being with him, and didn’t want to see him hurt. I didn’t want to see anyone hurt. There was nothing except for either of the boys that I wouldn’t sacrifice to see that everyone got out of this happily.

Alex’s hand tightened on my cheek as his lips met mine, warm and inviting. While the situation was nothing like what I had dreamed it would be, the kiss itself was everything I had ever wanted it to be and more. My mind went completely blank. Alex’s lips were warm and soft on mine. He tasted like vegemite and chocolate, and disgusting as it sounded, I couldn’t get enough of it.

Hesitantly, I returned the kiss. Alex’s response was immediate. His grip on my cheek tightened as he pulled my face closer to his. The hand that had been on my knee moved to encircle my waist, drawing me to him, and I was too weak to resist. It was as though I was a mere mortal kissing a god. There was nothing that could ever compare to this.

But more than the physicality of the kiss, there was something else. That was an undercurrent to it. Somewhere, we both knew that what we were doing was wrong, but neither of us could help loving it. We both felt that this was so comfortable, so right, that nothing else mattered. The feeling of calm and happiness that spread over my body, like water during a shower, enveloped me. It was like that spark that they always natter on about in the movies and the books. I never thought it could be real. I had never had it with Kyle. When Kyle had first kissed me, I was filled with shock. This was something different altogether.

I was in the process of raising my arms up to wrap them around Alex’s neck when he pulled away abruptly. My eyes fluttered open, and his were already staring into mine, searching. Both of his hands dropped into his lap. His breathing was so shallow that he was almost panting. My body was still on autopilot, so I wasn’t entirely sure I was breathing. I felt something hitting my legs and assumed that my arms had fallen into my lap as well.
My mind was still completely blank. All I knew was that I wanted him to take me into his arms and sweep me away. I wanted him to press his lips to mine and never move them again. I wanted him to be mine forever, to never lose what I had just experienced.

Feeling returned, and I could tell my breathing was frantic, erratic. I imagined my blood coursing through me, pumped by my equally frantic heart. My forehead felt slightly damp, and I realised I was sweating. I was trembling slightly, and I don’t know why. I put it down to all the adrenaline pumping through me, causing the euphoria I had felt with his lips on mine. I had never thought that anything could affect me more than Alex’s happiest smile, but this most certainly had. All I wanted to do was smile, but I couldn’t. I racked my brains, thinking of why that wonderful kiss wouldn’t make me smile.

Then, in my mind, I saw the reason why I wasn’t smiling.

Kyle.

Dear gosh, what had I done? Had I really just cheated on him? Did one kiss count as cheating? I thought it did. My eyes darted towards my lap in shame. How could I have done that to Kyle? He didn’t deserve this. I didn’t want to see him hurt. I felt my eyes prickling with tears, and blinked furiously. I would not cry.

“Tarie,” Alex began gently. I could feel his eyes on mine, but refused to look at him. I just listened instead, as Alex tried to continue speaking but seemed to falter. I didn’t have to look at him to know what he was thinking – that he wanted me, but that he could also see what was going on in my head, and he didn’t like it. He could see the dilemma I was faced with, and he couldn’t stand the fact that he knew he had caused it. I realised that this was the reason why he had agreed to Kyle’s ban, however reluctantly – he didn’t want to cause me pain.

Questions raced through my mind. Did he know that I didn’t blame him? Did he know that even though I was in pain, I would never regret his kissing me? Did he know that I wanted nothing more than for it to happen again and again and again?

I heard Alex take a deep breath. “I know that what I just did probably wasn’t the right thing to do,” he said slowly. “But I’m not going to apologise. I’m not going to say that I’m sorry and that I hope we can move past this and still be friends, because that would be one big lie. I want us to be more than friends.” He took my hands in his, obviously wanting me to look at him, but I couldn’t. He sighed. “There was something there, Tarie, something I’ve never felt before. I want more of it, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, and I need to hear you say that you feel the same way.”

My breathing, still erratic, instantaneously stopped. Was Alex going to ask for a relationship? I looked into his eyes. I could tell that he was trying to keep them clean of emotion. I could tell that he was going to ask me to make a decision, and he wanted me to make it regardless of his feelings. Surely he knew that this was impossible?

“Tahara, I need to know where we stand. I am positive that there will be something great between us if we pursue it. I need to know that you felt that spark that I felt. I need you to tell me how you feel. Tell me you didn’t feel anything, and I swear to God, I’ll leave you alone. But if there’s a chance that something could happen, I need to know, because I need to take that chance.”

His voice broke and I quickly looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. I was afraid of what I would see in his eyes. I was afraid of the disappointment that I would see; disappointment at the fact that I was changing who I was to suit someone else’s needs. I was afraid of the anger I would see in those eyes; anger that I was conforming to someone else’s expectations of me, instead of being the individual I was. But the thing I was most scared of, the main reason that I was looking anywhere but those big beautiful eyes, was the love. The only thing I had wanted from him for so long, and it was finally there. It would be no longer a dream, but an undeniable reality. I was terrified because it was all I had ever wanted...

And I couldn’t have it.

Fate had dealt me the perfect hand. I had the chips to play for it. But I didn’t have the poker face.

Even though Alex and I were meant to be together, I was already with Kyle, and wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I was breaking up with him for someone else. Even though being with Alex was all I wanted, I genuinely cared for Kyle and didn’t want to see him get hurt. I didn’t want to hurt Alex either, but I at least knew that through everything, we would always be able to maintain our friendship. I could only hope that in time, fate would present me with this opportunity again, and I would be able to choose Alex above whatever else was offered. But I was young and vulnerable, terrible at making decisions, and just wanted to see some degree of please in everyone. I was sure that in time Kyle would come to love me for who I was really was. I was also sure that in time, Alex and I could put this behind us and continue to be the great friends we had always been, even if it meant hiding our true feelings. I wanted to preserve our friendship above all else.

I thought back to the fantasy I had always had, of driving into the sunset with Alex towards our new life together. Of curling up on the white sofa, watching movies and falling asleep in one another’s arms. I couldn’t believe that here it was, within my reach, and I was turning it down.

Still staring at my lap, I turned my body so that I was facing Alex. I pulled my hands out of his. ‘I didn’t feel anything,’ I signed.

I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes again, and blinked furiously to make them go away. I would not let Alex see how much this was killing me inside. I heard him sigh loudly. I could feel my breath catching in my throat and wanted nothing more than to scream, to release the pain I was feeling.

Alex lifted my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. I could see everything I had been terrified of seeing, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I knew I was breaking both of our hearts, but I couldn’t do things any other way and still be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning without smashing it.

“Look into my eyes, Tarie,” he whispered firmly, locking my gaze. He also had tears welling, causing his sapphire eyes to shine. This was killing me, and I think he knew it. He took another deep breath. “Look into my eyes and tell me you didn’t feel a damn thing when I kissed you, and I’ll forget this ever happened. Look into my eyes and I’ll believe you, and I’ll try my damn hardest to do this impossible and squash my feelings for you.”

That did it. The tears rolled out of my eyes, but I didn’t look away. I knew what I had to do, even if it was the worst decision for me. I knew I had to reject myself to spare the feelings of two people I cared about. I lifted my hands up in front of my face, so that Alex would be able to see what I was saying without having to break our locked gaze.

‘I didn’t feel anything,’ I signed, feeling my heart break. I hated lying to him. ‘I just want to be friends.’

I was grateful it was Alex who broke our locked gaze. He knew damn well how I felt, and he knew why I was doing this. Still, that did not make it any easier for either of us. He looked towards the window, closing his eyes. I could tell he was trying to steady himself as he pressed his lips together. His soft lips, that I wanted more of. More tears fell.

“I’ll be here, Tahara,” Alex said firmly. “Whenever you’re ready, whenever you come to your senses and let this loser go, I’ll be there waiting. I love you.”

He looked at me again, and I could see how hard he was trying not to cry. He stood up, his eyes not leaving me. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay forever, but we both knew that this was the way things had to be, for now. No matter how much it broke both of us; we would always be close friends, the very closest, always daring to hope for something more when the time was right.

He kissed my forehead tenderly and walked out of the room. I heard the front door close as he left the unit and knew that I didn’t have to hide it anymore. I started sobbing loudly, feeling my chest rise and fall heavily. I didn’t know that a pain this bad was possible, and could scarcely believe that my being this heartbroken was real. My moral side told me that I had made the right decision, but my desires were screaming in agony.

I fell sideways and drew my legs up to my chest. Tears poured down my cheeks as my torso was racked with my sobs. Despite it all, I realised why people regressed to the foetal position in times such as this – to escape it all, to go back to the womb, where nothing else mattered but getting food and staying alive. Why couldn’t the rest of our lives be that blissful?