Status: Completed
I'll Never Say I Love You
25
I don’t know how long I was curled up on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Eventually I fell asleep, but it was an uncomfortable sleep. It was one of those times when you wake up briefly every now and then, and have weird, disconnected thoughts that make you feel like you’re still asleep...but you know you’re awake. Hard to describe, but even harder to put up with.
When I woke up for good, I first had a look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, and the tear tracks were stained on my cheeks. My hair was an absolute mess, but I didn’t really care about that anymore. As far as I was now concerned, this makeover had ruined any chance I had of being romantically happy with Alex. Without the makeover, I never would have caught Kyle’s eye. But at the same time, without Kyle, Alex would never have realised that he loved me. Yet Kyle had put me through so much pain and hurt. There’s always that saying, I guess – no pain, no gain. Alex falling in love with me was my gain, and I had completely ruined it.
I made myself look halfway presentable – cleaning my face, but not my hair – and wandered out to the kitchen, keen to embark on some emotional overeating. Thankfully, there was a lot of caramel slice, Mum’s parting treat, in the fridge. Instead of being a ‘lady’ and just selecting a piece or two to eat, I grabbed the whole container – a good two dozen pieces – and carried it to the futon with me, intent on eating as much of it as it took to make me feel better. I knew it was probably one of the worst things someone could eat straight after waking up but ignored the knowledge. I didn’t really care about being healthy at that point in time.
I curled up at one end of the futon, and listened instinctively for Maxwell’s bell. I frowned when I didn’t hear it, but then looked around and realised he was still asleep where Alex had left him. He looked so peaceful as he slept, and I wished that I could be a cat. Surely cats didn’t have the raging teenage hormones that led to drama and conflict?
I flicked on the television and saw that it had just gone past three. Damn it to hell. That meant that Kyle would be here soon to interrogate me about my whereabouts during the day. I wondered if he knew that Alex hadn’t been at school, and decided that he probably knew. This was not going to be easy.
I wondered what would be the best way to handle it. Should I tell Kyle that Alex had come by, or not? Of course I didn’t want to tell him – I didn’t want him to get angry and upset, the way he had by the basketball courts. But at the same time, I hated keeping secrets from him. In the end, I decided it would be better not to tell him, if only to protect Alex.
True to form, there was a knock at the door as soon as I had finished my first piece of caramel slice. I wondered if I could just stay where I was and pretend I wasn’t home. Kyle would go home, and we wouldn’t have to have the discussion that was coming my way until...the next time I saw him. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable, I decided. I put the lid back on the container and set it down on the coffee table before walking over and answering the door.
“Hey babe,” he greeted me, kissing me lightly on the lips.
I smiled at him, trying to look friendly and inviting despite the hatred I felt towards him at that point. My complete lack of self-esteem at that point told me to give up – that I was wasting my time trying because I was a horrible actress. I tried to ignore it as best I could.
“So, um, you weren’t at school today,” he began awkwardly, walking past me and sitting down on the futon. “Were you out sick or something?”
I nodded, locking the door and walking over to the chair that Maxwell wasn’t occupying. It wasn’t a complete lie – sure, I had stayed home because I just felt like it, but after Alex had left...well, I did feel like I had been hit by a truck. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it wasn’t a whole lie either.
Kyle gave me a look and held up the container of caramel slices. I winced, knowing I had been caught out. “Exhibit A here would disagree with you,” he said coolly. He gently put the container back down on the coffee table, and then fixed his eyes on mine. “Mind telling me the truth?”
It was amazing how he had been so fiercely protective and angry the day before – was it really only that long ago? – but was now so cool, calm and collected. How badly did Alex affect him?
‘I got better?’ I tried to look as innocent as I could.
Kyle glared at me, and he started to look angry. “He came here, didn’t he?” he asked angrily.
I sighed unhappily, but was also somewhat happy that he had already begun to end his facade of being understanding. I knew it was a lie and so did he. ‘You don’t understand-‘
Kyle exploded. “No, youdon’t understand, Tahara!” he yelled. I flinched, and Maxwell jumped awake. “He is in love with you!”
Hissing angrily, Maxwell ran into my bedroom. I wished I could follow him.
“The only thing he cares about is breaking us up and having you for himself!” Kyle accused, standing up now.
‘It’s not like that,’ I signed, feeling my own anger flare. That was my best friend he was talking about!
“Then what is it like, Tahara?” he asked angrily, glowering at me. “If he’s not out to sleep with you, then tell me what he is out for, because I honestly have no clue!”
You’re the one who just wants to sleep with me! my mind screamed. I refrained from screaming it in Kyle’s face; as best as I could scream using sign language, that was. ‘He just wants to be friends,’ I signed.
“Friends schmends. He’s not going to stop until I’m gone and he has you,” Kyle hissed.
I wanted to tell him what Alex had told me – that he would wait patiently as a friend, then once the timing was right, attempt to be more than that. But, what was the point? It would just anger Kyle further.
At that moment – yes, another revelation, what a shocker – I realised that I didn’t care anymore. It was as though my love for Kyle had been the sun, and it was now twilight. The sun was gone, but that light – Kyle himself – remained. I didn’t love him, I didn’t like him – I couldn’t stand him. Alex had been right all along. How dare Kyle take advantage of me the way he had. How dare he control me the way he had. How dare he tell me who I could and couldn’t see. He had manipulated me and driven me away from everyone I cared about.
Worst of all, I was angry at myself. How dare I fall for it. How dare I allow myself to be treated as though I was nothing more than something he could toy around with.
‘He’s my best friend and you can’t stop me from seeing him!’ I signed angrily. ‘He means the world to me!’
Kyle’s face softened, and I felt myself warming to him. Damn it, I would not let him do this to me. I would not let him manipulate my feelings just so that he could get his way.
“Don’t you care about us, Tahara?” he whispered, suddenly calm. I could see that he was giving me his best puppy dog eyes, and I told myself that I would not let them get to me. I stared defiantly at the microwave.
Kyle edged further towards me, until he was eventually sitting on the arm of the chair. He put his arm around my shoulders, and despite the fact that there was no longer anything romantic about my feelings towards him, I still cared. I didn’t want to see him hurt. It was my nature to avoid anyone getting hurt at any costs.
I quickly imagined how far I was willing to take my nature. Was I willing to stay with someone I didn’t love just because I didn’t want to hurt them?
“I know you’re mad at me, babe,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. I tried not to flinch. “But what I did was for the best for both of us, and I hope that you can see that one day.”
I hated myself for the fact that I had allowed him to become so good at manipulating me. Was I really that low on self-esteem, or was I just the most pathetic form of gullible?
God damn it, Tahara Melina Anderson, grow a bloody backbone! I heard the sensible part of my brain shouting at me.
Kyle put a finger underneath my chin and forced it up, forcing me to meet his eyes. I hated the way they sparkled, because I loved it. I hated the way he smiled at me, because I loved it. I didn’t want to love these things, but he had me under his spell. I wanted to break free.
Kyle leaned towards me, closing those beautiful eyes.
Fight BACK! The sensible part of me refused to be silenced, for which I was grateful. For once in your life, fight for what you want!
Sometimes, it can be hard to listen to yourself. I wanted Alex, the good Lord only knew that. I wanted Kyle to be happy. At that very moment, I wanted to disappear.
Which option was weighted heavier than the others?
As Kyle’s lips pressed against mine, I instantaneously pulled back. It was half repulsion and half anger that caused me to do it. I felt bad when I saw the shock on Kyle’s face, but I knew I had made the right choice.
I had chosen Alex. No longer would I be Kyle’s doormat. I wouldn’t allow myself to be treated that way anymore. I would be strong and independent. I would live my life the way I wanted to. No longer would someone dictate my actions, seemingly watching my every move.
You’re making the right choice. Atta girl! I smiled when I heard the sensible voice say that.
“Tahara, what’s wrong?” Kyle asked, looking confused. He leaned forwards again expectantly, as though he thought my pulling back was a mistake on my part.
‘Enough,’ I signed, standing up. Though Kyle towered over me regardless, I brought myself up to full height and looked at him sternly. ‘It’s over. I don’t want this anymore. I want you to leave. Now.’
Kyle looked at me blankly. “Tahara, you don’t know what you’re saying,” he said, stepping towards me.
I took a step back. ‘I know what I’m saying,’ I signed defiantly.
Swiftly, Kyle took two steps forward and swept me into his arms so tightly that I couldn’t move. At all. ”Don’t do this because of him, Tahara,” Kyle hissed. “Please, don’t do this because of him.”
That caught me off-guard. I had to briefly consider his point of view. Was it possible that Alex was taking advantage of me the way Kyle had?
Pfft. Not a chance. Alex was far too sweet for that.
“You’re forcing me to do something I don’t want to do, Tahara. But, then again” – he looked particularly malicious, with an evil grin playing on his lips and an evil gleam in his eyes – “You’re not going to say no.”
Dear gosh, was he going to rape me?
When I woke up for good, I first had a look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, and the tear tracks were stained on my cheeks. My hair was an absolute mess, but I didn’t really care about that anymore. As far as I was now concerned, this makeover had ruined any chance I had of being romantically happy with Alex. Without the makeover, I never would have caught Kyle’s eye. But at the same time, without Kyle, Alex would never have realised that he loved me. Yet Kyle had put me through so much pain and hurt. There’s always that saying, I guess – no pain, no gain. Alex falling in love with me was my gain, and I had completely ruined it.
I made myself look halfway presentable – cleaning my face, but not my hair – and wandered out to the kitchen, keen to embark on some emotional overeating. Thankfully, there was a lot of caramel slice, Mum’s parting treat, in the fridge. Instead of being a ‘lady’ and just selecting a piece or two to eat, I grabbed the whole container – a good two dozen pieces – and carried it to the futon with me, intent on eating as much of it as it took to make me feel better. I knew it was probably one of the worst things someone could eat straight after waking up but ignored the knowledge. I didn’t really care about being healthy at that point in time.
I curled up at one end of the futon, and listened instinctively for Maxwell’s bell. I frowned when I didn’t hear it, but then looked around and realised he was still asleep where Alex had left him. He looked so peaceful as he slept, and I wished that I could be a cat. Surely cats didn’t have the raging teenage hormones that led to drama and conflict?
I flicked on the television and saw that it had just gone past three. Damn it to hell. That meant that Kyle would be here soon to interrogate me about my whereabouts during the day. I wondered if he knew that Alex hadn’t been at school, and decided that he probably knew. This was not going to be easy.
I wondered what would be the best way to handle it. Should I tell Kyle that Alex had come by, or not? Of course I didn’t want to tell him – I didn’t want him to get angry and upset, the way he had by the basketball courts. But at the same time, I hated keeping secrets from him. In the end, I decided it would be better not to tell him, if only to protect Alex.
True to form, there was a knock at the door as soon as I had finished my first piece of caramel slice. I wondered if I could just stay where I was and pretend I wasn’t home. Kyle would go home, and we wouldn’t have to have the discussion that was coming my way until...the next time I saw him. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable, I decided. I put the lid back on the container and set it down on the coffee table before walking over and answering the door.
“Hey babe,” he greeted me, kissing me lightly on the lips.
I smiled at him, trying to look friendly and inviting despite the hatred I felt towards him at that point. My complete lack of self-esteem at that point told me to give up – that I was wasting my time trying because I was a horrible actress. I tried to ignore it as best I could.
“So, um, you weren’t at school today,” he began awkwardly, walking past me and sitting down on the futon. “Were you out sick or something?”
I nodded, locking the door and walking over to the chair that Maxwell wasn’t occupying. It wasn’t a complete lie – sure, I had stayed home because I just felt like it, but after Alex had left...well, I did feel like I had been hit by a truck. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it wasn’t a whole lie either.
Kyle gave me a look and held up the container of caramel slices. I winced, knowing I had been caught out. “Exhibit A here would disagree with you,” he said coolly. He gently put the container back down on the coffee table, and then fixed his eyes on mine. “Mind telling me the truth?”
It was amazing how he had been so fiercely protective and angry the day before – was it really only that long ago? – but was now so cool, calm and collected. How badly did Alex affect him?
‘I got better?’ I tried to look as innocent as I could.
Kyle glared at me, and he started to look angry. “He came here, didn’t he?” he asked angrily.
I sighed unhappily, but was also somewhat happy that he had already begun to end his facade of being understanding. I knew it was a lie and so did he. ‘You don’t understand-‘
Kyle exploded. “No, youdon’t understand, Tahara!” he yelled. I flinched, and Maxwell jumped awake. “He is in love with you!”
Hissing angrily, Maxwell ran into my bedroom. I wished I could follow him.
“The only thing he cares about is breaking us up and having you for himself!” Kyle accused, standing up now.
‘It’s not like that,’ I signed, feeling my own anger flare. That was my best friend he was talking about!
“Then what is it like, Tahara?” he asked angrily, glowering at me. “If he’s not out to sleep with you, then tell me what he is out for, because I honestly have no clue!”
You’re the one who just wants to sleep with me! my mind screamed. I refrained from screaming it in Kyle’s face; as best as I could scream using sign language, that was. ‘He just wants to be friends,’ I signed.
“Friends schmends. He’s not going to stop until I’m gone and he has you,” Kyle hissed.
I wanted to tell him what Alex had told me – that he would wait patiently as a friend, then once the timing was right, attempt to be more than that. But, what was the point? It would just anger Kyle further.
At that moment – yes, another revelation, what a shocker – I realised that I didn’t care anymore. It was as though my love for Kyle had been the sun, and it was now twilight. The sun was gone, but that light – Kyle himself – remained. I didn’t love him, I didn’t like him – I couldn’t stand him. Alex had been right all along. How dare Kyle take advantage of me the way he had. How dare he control me the way he had. How dare he tell me who I could and couldn’t see. He had manipulated me and driven me away from everyone I cared about.
Worst of all, I was angry at myself. How dare I fall for it. How dare I allow myself to be treated as though I was nothing more than something he could toy around with.
‘He’s my best friend and you can’t stop me from seeing him!’ I signed angrily. ‘He means the world to me!’
Kyle’s face softened, and I felt myself warming to him. Damn it, I would not let him do this to me. I would not let him manipulate my feelings just so that he could get his way.
“Don’t you care about us, Tahara?” he whispered, suddenly calm. I could see that he was giving me his best puppy dog eyes, and I told myself that I would not let them get to me. I stared defiantly at the microwave.
Kyle edged further towards me, until he was eventually sitting on the arm of the chair. He put his arm around my shoulders, and despite the fact that there was no longer anything romantic about my feelings towards him, I still cared. I didn’t want to see him hurt. It was my nature to avoid anyone getting hurt at any costs.
I quickly imagined how far I was willing to take my nature. Was I willing to stay with someone I didn’t love just because I didn’t want to hurt them?
“I know you’re mad at me, babe,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. I tried not to flinch. “But what I did was for the best for both of us, and I hope that you can see that one day.”
I hated myself for the fact that I had allowed him to become so good at manipulating me. Was I really that low on self-esteem, or was I just the most pathetic form of gullible?
God damn it, Tahara Melina Anderson, grow a bloody backbone! I heard the sensible part of my brain shouting at me.
Kyle put a finger underneath my chin and forced it up, forcing me to meet his eyes. I hated the way they sparkled, because I loved it. I hated the way he smiled at me, because I loved it. I didn’t want to love these things, but he had me under his spell. I wanted to break free.
Kyle leaned towards me, closing those beautiful eyes.
Fight BACK! The sensible part of me refused to be silenced, for which I was grateful. For once in your life, fight for what you want!
Sometimes, it can be hard to listen to yourself. I wanted Alex, the good Lord only knew that. I wanted Kyle to be happy. At that very moment, I wanted to disappear.
Which option was weighted heavier than the others?
As Kyle’s lips pressed against mine, I instantaneously pulled back. It was half repulsion and half anger that caused me to do it. I felt bad when I saw the shock on Kyle’s face, but I knew I had made the right choice.
I had chosen Alex. No longer would I be Kyle’s doormat. I wouldn’t allow myself to be treated that way anymore. I would be strong and independent. I would live my life the way I wanted to. No longer would someone dictate my actions, seemingly watching my every move.
You’re making the right choice. Atta girl! I smiled when I heard the sensible voice say that.
“Tahara, what’s wrong?” Kyle asked, looking confused. He leaned forwards again expectantly, as though he thought my pulling back was a mistake on my part.
‘Enough,’ I signed, standing up. Though Kyle towered over me regardless, I brought myself up to full height and looked at him sternly. ‘It’s over. I don’t want this anymore. I want you to leave. Now.’
Kyle looked at me blankly. “Tahara, you don’t know what you’re saying,” he said, stepping towards me.
I took a step back. ‘I know what I’m saying,’ I signed defiantly.
Swiftly, Kyle took two steps forward and swept me into his arms so tightly that I couldn’t move. At all. ”Don’t do this because of him, Tahara,” Kyle hissed. “Please, don’t do this because of him.”
That caught me off-guard. I had to briefly consider his point of view. Was it possible that Alex was taking advantage of me the way Kyle had?
Pfft. Not a chance. Alex was far too sweet for that.
“You’re forcing me to do something I don’t want to do, Tahara. But, then again” – he looked particularly malicious, with an evil grin playing on his lips and an evil gleam in his eyes – “You’re not going to say no.”
Dear gosh, was he going to rape me?