I'll Never Say I Love You

Kyle leant down and pressed his lips against mine again, but more forcefully this time. He knew that he had me trapped, that he had complete control. Did the manipulation never stop with this guy? I had to figure out a way to get out of this, and fast.

Within that moment, I realised I had another motivation for getting myself out of this situation – I could sense Alex’s presence nearby somewhere.

I thought of a plan almost immediately. I allowed myself to surrender to the kiss, to kiss him back with as much raw passion that he was kissing me with. On my part, however, it was fake. I only had to wait a few more seconds and it would all be over. True to form, Kyle ran his tongue over my lips, begging permission to enter. Once upon a time, I would have been ecstatic at that, but that fairytale was over. Now the thought repulsed me, but I knew what I had to do. I knew I only had one chance to get this right, and that I had to do it quickly. Moving as quickly as I could without arousing suspicion, I parted my lips and allowed Kyle’s tongue to enter – then bit down on it, hard.

As I had predicted, Kyle pulled away. He let me go, swearing under his breath. I swayed momentarily, having to adjust to carrying my own weight again. Then, I screamed as loudly as I could. The sound burnt my throat, as it was the only vocal sound other than a laugh that had escaped my lips in nearly ten years, but I persevered.

“Bitch!” Kyle yelled, snapping. He punched me square in the jaw, and I felt myself falling.

“Tahara!” I heard Alex yell, and vaguely heard the sound of the jangling of his keys as I hit the ground, hard.

Kyle groaned. “Get lost, Roberts, nobody wants you here!” he yelled, walking towards the door.

Like something out of a movie, Alex opened the door at the exact moment that Kyle was standing in the perfect position to get hit in the face by it. I had a funny feeling that Alex had been listening to Kyle’s footsteps, timing it perfectly. Kyle stumbled and fell backwards.

“Tahara!” Alex whispered when he saw me. He rushed over, kneeling beside me. I tried to get into a sitting position but fell, weak but coherent.

“Get away from her!” Kyle snarled.

On the very edges of my vision, I saw him hurling himself towards Alex, fists at the ready. Alex turned and pushed Kyle away with what looked like ease. Kyle fell to the floor once again.

“You’re going to leave now,” Alex said coldly, standing over Kyle. Kyle actually looked scared, struggling to stand up under Alex’s furious stare. “Get out of this house and never bother Tahara or anyone she knows ever again.”

Kyle started angrily at Alex, and then turned his glare on me before walking out the front door, slamming it behind him. Alex quickly walked over and locked it, then came back to me. He looked into my eyes, and I saw the depth of his concern. I realised it was all over now –Kyle was gone. If he was as scared as he had looked, he would never be back. I was free to live my life the way I wanted to.

“C’mon, Tahara,” I heard Alex murmur. He put one arm underneath my knees and the other around my shoulders then picked me up, bridal style. He gently placed me on the futon, and then sat beside me. He gently placed both of his hands on my shoulders, presumably to prevent me from sitting up.

‘Alex,’ I signed, but it was hard. That punch that Kyle had thrown at me and the subsequent fall had left me winded and weak.

“Shhh, Tahara,” he whispered, reaching one hand up to stroke my hair. “Worry about it later. Just try to calm down for now.”

I closed my eyes. Feeling hadn’t quite returned yet, and so I felt no pain, just the lack of air. There was a knock at the door, and I felt Alex stand up. I assumed it was one of the neighbours, concerned about the screaming and the yelling, and cringed reflexively. They were probably all scared out of their minds for me.

I couldn’t hear the neighbour, but I could hear Alex. “It’s nothing to worry about, Mrs. Heter, just everyone overreacting to a bit of teenage angst with far more volume than necessary.”

As soon as Alex said that, the enormity of what had just happened seemed to hit me like a rush of warm air in some desert. I would have said it was like a ton of bricks, but generally one doesn’t expect a ton of bricks to hit them, whereas someone in the desert would expect warm air. I had expected this realisation – would they ever stop? I hadn’t, however, expected my reaction.

I leapt up from the futon with a new burst of adrenaline from God-knows-where and ran to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I knelt down next to the toilet, feeling physically sick thinking about what had just happened in my living room and how I had caused it.

***

“Tahara, please come out!”

I tried as best I could to ignore Alex’s pleading. I knew he meant well, but I couldn’t stand to see anyone right now, least of all him. What had happened was simply too much for me to be able to handle. I wasn’t disgusted with the boys for what had happened, much as I knew I should be. I was simply shocked, and the enormity of what had happened left me feeling scared. So, I regressed once again, curling up into a ball on the bathroom floor. The cold tiles burnt my skin wherever they touched one another, but I stayed there, letting the tears fall down my cheeks.

I hadn’t wanted anyone to get hurt, but now it seemed that everyone was hurting. Kyle would no doubt be angry, or so he had seemed as he left the house. I would say that Alex was scared shitless, sitting outside the bathroom door anxiously waiting for me to come out and show him that I was okay. The only reason he would have known that I was still alive was because of the sheer volume of my sobbing. As for me...well, my sobbing said enough as to my emotional state.

Still, I knew it was for the best for all of us...at least, I hoped it would be. I hoped that Alex would still accept me. I knew that somewhere, he was disgusted in me for my decision that morning. I just wished that he wasn’t so disgusted that he wouldn’t want me anymore.

“Tahara, I just need to know that you’re going to be okay,” Alex pleaded. I heard a thud against the wall, and guessed his head had hit the wall. “I’m not leaving until you come out.”

I was touched by his determination to see that I was okay.

“Alternatively,” he said, his voice rising slightly. “If you’re not out here in five minutes, I am going to come in there to see for myself that you’re going to be okay.”

My eyes snapped open. He wouldn’t, would he?

“Oh, yes I would,” Alex said smugly.

Damn it, he knew the way my mind worked too well. He knew that I didn’t want to see him until I was ready. He also knew that I knew that he would definitely go through with his threat. He knew that I would solve the conflict between the two ideals by going out there. God damn him and his non-malicious manipulative intentions and knowing me better than I knew myself.

I forced myself to stand up and move sluggishly over to the mirror. I was as much of a mess as I had been earlier. I knew that if Alex saw me like that, he would panic. I dragged a brush through my hair and wiped my face with a wet washcloth. Once I decided I looked halfway presentable for the second time that day, and my tears had stopped, I took a deep breath and left the bathroom. The difference was that this time, I was not alone in the house.

“Tahara!” Alex cried, sounding excessively relieved.

He threw his arms around me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug. The only other time he had hugged me like this was when I had arrived home after my parents and I had gone to America for the summer the year before we started middle school. He had begged me not to leave him alone for that long ever again. Little did he know that I had been missing him for every second of the holiday as well.

“Do you feel okay?” he asked frantically, releasing me and pushing me back gently so that he could have a good look at my face. “Where did he hit you? Do you need painkillers? Do you need ice? Do you need me to call Mum and get her to run you to the hospital? I’d better do that, where’s the phone?”

He looked around feverishly, so I tapped him on the shoulder. He peered down at me, still looking anxious. ‘I’m fine. I’m not in any pain physically,’ I signed, trying to smile. However, I think my jaw was wobbling so much with uncertainty that it just looked like the corners of my mouths were attached to string and there was some puppeteer above me, using me as his marionette.

“Just emotionally,” Alex said knowingly. He pulled me into another hug, gentler this time. “I’m sorry, Tahara, I really am.” He kissed the top of my head, and the spot tingled. “I just...I had to protect you, Tarie. I didn’t know what else to do. I just saw that you were in danger and then saw red,” he said apologetically.

I snuggled against him. He made me feel safe and protected.

Alex responded by pulling me closer to him and leaning his head on top of mine. “I’m not leaving now, Tahara. I am staying here until your parents get back,” he said firmly. He then lifted his head. “Well, I am going to have to go to my house and get my stuff, but you’re going to come with me for that. I am not letting you out of my sight.”

I pulled away reluctantly. ‘You don’t think that might be overreacting just a little bit?’ I signed uncertainly.

Alex laughed. “As far as I am concerned, I’m under-reacting. Every instinct I have is telling me to hold you close and never let you go, unless the opportunity arises where I can kick Kyle’s arse, in which case I would leave you in Bec’s capable hands.”

I looked at him blankly. ‘You wouldn’t hurt him, would you?’ I signed, panicked. I had a feeling that a fight between the two of them would not end well for anyone.

“No,” Alex answered unhappily. “I know for a fact you wouldn’t let me. Besides, keeping you safe, happy and protected is my number one priority. So you’re going to have to settle for staying within my sight until your parents get back, other than classes and private business.”

‘I can settle for that,’ I signed, smiling.

“You don’t really have a choice,” Alex murmured, gently pulling me towards the futon. He sat me down on the futon and passed over the container of caramel slice. I accepted it gratefully. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder, and I leaned into him. He helped himself to a caramel slice. “So, how are you feeling?”

‘Better now,’ I signed, and then pulled a slice out for myself. I put it in my mouth and held it there. ‘When are we going to go to your house?’

Alex hesitated while I grabbed a hold of my slice and took a bite. “I thought we might wait a while...just until your eyes aren’t quite so red and puffy, and you stop trembling.”

I looked down at my hand, and saw that it was shaking. I hadn’t realised I was trembling, and I told him so. ‘Sorry,’ I signed.

“Why are you apologising?” Alex asked, leaning his head against the top of mine. “It’s okay, really. We’ll take as long as you need. If you’re not ready to leave the house until your parents get home, then I am fine with spending the rest of the week in the clothes on my back.”

I smiled at him, chewing my last bit of my slice. ‘You’re too sweet,’ I signed.

He laughed, and kissed the top of my head again. “I guess I just know how to make you smile. Always have, always will.”

We sat there on the futon eating caramel slice for around an hour, each of us lost in our own thoughts. The television was on, but neither of us paid attention to it. I mostly focused on trying to come to terms with what had happened the afternoon, and tried to see the positives. Kyle was no longer my boyfriend, and no longer had control of me. Alex had proved that he really did care, something that made my heart flutter. Finally, my guess was that no one had been hurt badly physically. Emotional pain was another matter entirely. I knew that I would be hurting emotionally from this for some time to come, and that nightmares were definitely on the agenda. I wasn’t too sure how Kyle would react emotionally to this. My guess was that he would be angry and not too upset. This thought made me both happy and sad. I was miffed because some sick, egotistic part of me that I wanted nothing to do with wanted him to be upset, to miss me or try to win me back. I was happy that he wasn’t hurting, because even though I couldn’t stand the sight of him, I never wanted anyone to be unhappy.

Thankfully, the side that was happy was winning.