I'll Never Say I Love You

I looked up at Alex. He looked calm and placid, but deep in thought at the same time. For once, I had no idea what was going through his mind. Normally I had a pretty good guess of what he was thinking about, judging from his facial expressions and eyes. This time, though, his face was blank and his eyes were seeing something that obviously weren’t in the same room as us.

I tapped his shoulder gently to get his attention. He looked down at me, and our eyes met. As soon as he saw me, his eyes were filled with delight. He smiled my favourite smile, and I smiled back.

“You’re ready to go, are you?”

I nodded, my eyes not leaving his. I was captivated, and I enjoyed it to no end.

“Then we’ll...uh...we’ll go get my stuff, and we’ll come back here,” he said, looking flustered. I only smiled wider.

‘Whenever you’re ready,’ I signed slyly. I don’t know why I was suddenly feeling so flirtatious, but I was enjoying it.

He grinned suddenly, and brushed my hair behind my ears. I felt my breath catch in my throat. How was it that he could still have this affect on me? He leaned in to whisper in my ear, and I shivered with pleasure as I felt his warm breath on my ear and neck. “Two can play at that game,” he whispered. “So if you want to turn this into a competition, you better bring a toothbrush so you can clean your teeth after you eat my dust.”

I felt the colour rise in my cheeks. Alex obviously saw this, because I saw him grin out of the corner of my eye. ‘Not fair,’ I signed in protest, knowing that he couldn’t see it.

“Did you say something?” Alex asked, pulling back.

I shook my head innocently as Alex continued to grin at me. He took my hand and pulled both of us off the futon, but he pulled me a bit too hard and I almost fell over. Thankfully, he caught me in his arms before I went tumbling to the floor yet again. Once he was sure I was steady on my feet, he asked me to get ready to go. He followed me to my room, and leant against the door while I threw together my things. He really was serious about not letting me out of his sight, and it scared me how grateful I was for his presence.

We walked together to Alex’s house, his arm slung around my shoulders the entire time. It was more of a friendly gesture than a romantic one, but that didn’t matter. It was just good to know that he cared. As the sun set behind us, I hadn’t realised quite how late it had gotten – or, to be more specific, how long I had spent locked in the bathroom. On the way there, I told Alex what had happened before he showed up. I could tell when he was angry – that was when I could feel his nails digging into my shoulder.

Bec was sitting in the lounge room when we walked in. She saw Alex and snickered. “You are in such deep shit,” she teased.

“Why?” Alex asked, frowning.

“The school told Mum you weren’t there today. She’s now convinced that you spent the day doing drugs in some alley.” Bec seemed to find the situation rather amusing.

Alex pulled me closer to him. It was only then that Bec seemed to notice that he had his arm around my shoulders. As soon as Alex was looking in another direction, mumbling something about Clindon not even having any alleys, Bec raised an eyebrow at me. I shook my head, not wanting to give her the wrong idea. She pouted and went back to watching whatever mindless crap it is she normally watches.

“We’d better at least pack my things before Mum gets home,” Alex muttered. “C’mon Tarie.”

He released my shoulders when we reached the foot of the stairs, and motioned for me to walk up ahead of him. I obliged, leading the way to his room. I lay down on his bed while he filled a suitcase with clothes and things to do. I looked around, amazed at how clean his room seemed compared to previous visits.

“I cleaned my room this afternoon hoping that it would distract me from thinking about you,” Alex said, sitting next to me as he answered my unasked questions.

‘Did it work?’ I signed curiously.

“Not really,” he admitted. He looked at his hands, twisting feverishly in his lap. “You’re the only thing that’s been on my mind for a fair time now.”

I blushed a deep scarlet.

We went back down the stairs, Alex leading the way this time. When we got down the bottom of them we turned the corner and came face-to-face with Sandy. She looked furious.

“Alex Nathaniel Roberts, explain yourself this minute,” she demanded, her voice dangerously low.

Alex bent his head in my direction. “Do we have to do this now, Mum? I’m staying with Tahara this week, remember?”

Sandy looked at me. “Would you excuse us, Tahara?” she asked.

I nodded and practically ran to get to the lounge room as Sandy and Alex walked somewhere else, presumably the kitchen. I didn’t want to be in the room with those two when they started arguing. They were both passionate people who fought hard for what they believed in. Being in a room with the two of them arguing would be like being in the same room as an atomic bomb. The sheer power they exerted was mind-blowing.

“So,” Bec began, and I jumped. I hadn’t realised she was still on the couch when I sat down in one of the chairs. “Mind telling me what that was all about, when you two walked in?”

I sighed. I might as well just answer her openly, because if I didn’t then she would force it out of me or Alex somehow. So I told her everything that had happened throughout the past two days. To Bec’s credit, she was an amazing audience – she gasped and scowled in the right places. To her discredit, she burst out laughing when I told her about how Alex pushed Kyle to the ground. She laughed until she had tears coming out her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Tahara, but that would have been simply priceless to see,” she said through her tears. “Alex has never been violent! Never!”

‘I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t have seen it for myself,’ I agreed.

I wondered if Alex was telling Sandy all the same stories. It would be the only way to convince her that he wasn’t doing drugs, I guess.

“So, where do you guys go from here?” Bec asked once I had finished telling her everything that had happened.

‘I don’t know,’ I confessed.

Bec leaned back into the couch. “It’s been obvious you’ve been after Alex for years,” she said thoughtfully. I raised my hands to protest, but decided against it. No point in trying to deny the truth. “He obviously feels the same way now. Go for it.”

‘But-‘

“No buts, woman!” Bec said sternly. “No ifs, ands or buts, no waiting! Go for it before the opportunity slips through your fingers!” She looked at me pointedly. “I know you’re the good girl who is scratching her insides out because she’s hurt her ex, but you can’t let that hold you back. What if you don’t take this opportunity and it never comes by again? What would you do?”

I bit my lip thoughtfully. She raised a point. At the same time, was it right to even attempt to move on so quickly? How would Alex feel about that? ‘Would Alex even want to? Would he even let me try?’ I asked.

Bec gave me a look. “He was perfectly willing to act as the ‘other man’ this morning, wasn’t he? If he was fine with that, something tells me he’s not going to have any qualms about this.”

‘You really think so?’

Bec sighed. “Look, it’s weird for me to be talking about my brother this way” – she squirmed as she spoke – “but you two always seem to make each other happy. I think you were meant to be together.”

Alex and Sandy walked into the room at that point. I stood up expectantly as Alex walked over to me. “Mum’s going to drive us home,” he murmured.

Sandy was grinning from ear to ear. “I’ll meet the two of you in the car,” she said in a sing-song voice, then went off, presumably to find her keys.

“Just so you know, I will not be held responsible for anything my mother says,” Alex grumbled as he steered me towards the car, leaving me barely enough time to wave a cheery goodbye to Bec. Even in the little light available I could see that his face was red with embarrassment, a rare sight with Alex.

‘You told her everything?’ I guessed.

“I can’t see what you’re saying, so I’m going to assume that you asked me if I told her everything. Hit me upside the head if I’m wrong,” Alex instructed. I hadn’t thought of him not being able to see me talk in the dim light. Alex waited a moment, presumably to leave me enough time to hit him upside the head if I needed to, before he continued. “I had to, Tahara. She was threatening to lock me in the house for a week. She really thought I was doing drugs. Hit me upside the head if you’re not entirely okay with that.”

I stood still. I was fine with it – he had to do what he had to do, I supposed. I didn’t want him locked up in his house either.

“You really are the best, Tarie,” he sighed. We reached Sandy’s black jeep and he leaned against it. I could vaguely make out his face, and guessed that he was smiling at me. I smiled back at him.

Thankfully for Alex, the ride to my unit was in silence. Sandy seemed smug, and I guessed she was pleased with the idea of Alex and I becoming a couple. Alex was on edge the entire way, as though he expected his mother to make some embarrassing remarks about today’s events. I sat silently, contemplating the discussion that Bec and I had had. She was right, of course. There was a chance that I had been given, and I wanted with all my being to take it. But, at the same time, I didn’t want to run the risk of angering Kyle more. It was a tough dilemma, yet again. Was I brave enough to make a decision that would benefit me for, or would I sit back and let nature run its course, wait and let Alex make the first move if this was what he really wanted? Bec seemed to think it was.

“I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon, Tahara,” Sandy said happily as we approached the unit complex. She pulled up against the kerb and turned to face Alex, who was sitting in the passenger seat. “Behave yourself, darling,” she said smugly.

“Mum!” Alex whined, getting out of the car. I almost laughed at how embarrassed he was, but restrained myself. He got his suitcase out of the boot and watched his mother speed away. “Thank the Lord for that,” he muttered, and walked to my unit in a rush.

Once we walked into the unit, I immediately went to the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients to make spaghetti bolognaise. Alex put his suitcase in my room and then came into the kitchen.

“Tahara, you’ve had a rough day, let me cook,” he said worriedly, trying to take the utensils from me. I put the utensils on the bench with the ingredients.

‘I want to cook,’ I insisted. ‘Cleaning distracts you and cooking distracts me.’

He frowned at me. “Tahara, you have been through so much today that you are probably going to fall asleep at some random moment. I don’t think it’s the best idea for you to be cooking at the moment.”

I gave him my best puppy-dog eyes. ‘Please,’ I pleaded. ‘It will make me feel better. Once I’m done I’ll sit down and I won’t move for the rest of the night, I promise.’

Alex tried to look at me sternly, to object, but failed. He never had been able to resist my puppy dog eyes. “Fine,” he grumbled, heaving himself up onto the bench. “But I am going to sit here and watch you the entire time.”

‘You normally do anyway,’ I signed. I handed him a knife, a chopping board and some tomatoes. ‘If you’re going to use my bench, use it right and dice them for me.’

I cooked my spaghetti with the occasional helping hand from Alex. I tried my best to ignore his gaze, but it was hard. When I faced away from him, I felt as though his sight was burning holes in the back of my skull. When I faced him, my eyes felt compelled to gaze into his, to wonder what was going through his mind. It was a lose-lose situation, as far as the meal was concerned. As far as I was concerned...well, I was flattered.

‘Nearly done,’ I signed once the meal was just about ready to be divided up. ‘Why don’t you go find something good on the television?’

He reluctantly agreed, and slid off the bench. He sat down on the futon and I heard the jingle as Maxwell jumped into his lap. I gave Alex almost twice as much as I gave myself, but even then I gave myself a lot. I grabbed both bowls and headed towards the lounge room.

“Have I ever mentioned that you are the best friend ever?”

I rolled my eyes at Alex as he eagerly took his bowl out of my hands and eagerly started wolfing it down. From his lap, Maxwell sniffed eagerly at the bottom of the bowl, and then started pawing it with curiosity. I smiled at his silliness, and then sat down in my favourite chair. I started eating my own spaghetti slowly, savouring the taste.

“This is really, really, really, really, really good Tarie,” Alex said, with a mouthful of it in his mouth.

I put my bowl down on the coffee table. Alex watched me, waiting. ‘You are going to get tomato spit all over the futon,’ I signed, glaring at him.

Alex swallowed and laughed. “You’re not the one who has to sleep on it,” he reminded me.

I rolled my eyes at him and finished eating my dinner.