I'll Never Say I Love You

I fell asleep early that night, just as Alex had predicted. I vaguely remembered Alex carrying me into my room and gently laying me down on the bed, pulling the covers up around me. I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep as he sat next to me, gently stroking my hair.

I woke up when my alarm went off and immediately rolled out of bed. I yawned and stretched, putting on my uniform before I went out to wake Alex up and get him ready for the day.

“I told you I wanted the pasta,” he mumbled in his sleep, curling away from me as I shook his shoulder.

I sighed and shook a little harder.

He woke up this time. “Sorry, Tahara,” he mumbled, and then rolled over to see me. “I had a rough night.”

‘Why?’ I signed, sitting down next to him.

He looked at me with wide eyes – as wide as they could be for someone who was only half awake, that is. “You don’t remember?” he asked incredulously.

My stomach flipped. ‘Remember what?’ I asked hesitantly.

Alex sat up and pulled me into a hug. He rested his chin atop my head, and I felt his warmth and protection cover me from head to toe. “You spent the majority of the night in hysterics, Tarie,” he said softly. “You were crying and screaming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

I tried to pull back, but Alex’s arms were like steel around me, and I couldn’t move.

“You don’t remember any of it, hopefully. But I remember every second of it. I couldn’t console you, and I just felt helpless.”

I winced. I had a pretty good idea of how painful that would have been for Alex.

“I think you might need a while off school,” Alex suggested. I knew what he was really saying, though. He didn’t think I was ready to see Kyle yet. “We can hang out here together, or at my house if that makes you feel better.”

I shook my head furiously and managed to worm my way out of his grip and stand above him defiantly. ‘No way. I am going to go to school whether you like it or not.’

“You’re too fragile, Tahara!” Alex bit his lip.

‘I’ll talk to the counsellor, we’ll sort something out together,’ I argued. ‘You can’t hold me captive, Alex.’

“Fine, have it your way,” Alex grumbled, looking defeated. “But when you have a breakdown in the middle of second period because you can’t handle being there anymore, don’t blame me.”

His words stung me, and he knew it. He got up and stormed to my bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I jumped at the sound, more upset than shocked by it. Maxwell looked around to see what the noise was, but then went back to sleep. I wished I could just ignore my surroundings like he could.

I went to the kitchen, contemplating what had just happened. I both agreed and disagreed with Alex and the point he raised. The problem we were having was that he was refusing to even consider the idea of me going to school as being a potentially positive thing. I would be able to reconnect with Kate, Melissa and Janice. Going to classes would clear my mind, or distract me at the least. It was better than sitting around the house moping, at any rate.
Regardless, I didn’t want Alex to be angry or upset, so I started cooking one of his favourite breakfasts. Then again, anything I cooked was his favourite breakfast. This one was an Alex Breakfast Salad – scrambled eggs, mixed in with small bits of bacon, mushrooms, tomato, spinach and sausage. I wasn’t too big a fan of it, and so hadn’t cooked it for a while, but I knew that Alex would still love it.

Alex came out of my room fully dressed. He saw me cooking and frowned, but heaved himself on the bench to watch me wordlessly. I tried to avoid his stare, and did a better job than ever of doing so. Then again, I had a reason to avoid his gaze this time – I didn’t want to start a fight with him. He muttered his thanks when I handed him his bowl. Once he saw that I was leaning against the pantry to eat, he didn’t move either. I don’t know why I didn’t sit down somewhere in the lounge, or even on one of the stools. My best guess was that I was scared Alex wouldn’t follow me, and I was scared of losing his presence.

We ate silently and finished getting ready together in the bathroom. I tied Alex’s tie with shaking fingers, something that didn’t escape him. “Nervous?” he asked hopefully.

I shrugged. I didn’t know why I was shaking.

“I don’t like this, Tahara,” he said deliberately. “I don’t think you should be going to school until you’ve completely recovered.”

‘I need to get into a routine,’ I protested once I had finished with his tie. ‘Sitting around here all day moping is going to do me less good than what going to school would.’

“What happens when you see Kyle?” Alex questioned. “We do have Home Ec first period.”

‘I ignore him as best I can and hang out with you or Melissa,’ I answered immediately. I leant against the shower door. ‘I need this, Alex. I need routine and stability and I just need to get over all this crap with Kyle. You know that as well as I do.’ Alex deliberately avoided meeting my eyes, staring intently at my hands. I bit my lip, having a quick internal debate about whether or not to ask my next question, and decided to go ahead with it. ‘Are you sure you’re not just trying to convince me to stay home so that you avoid seeing Kyle?’

Alex spluttered. “Tahara, that is the craziest idea I have ever heard!” he said eventually, sounding disgusted and angry. I flinched. “I only want to protect you from what might happen if you see him.”

‘If you keep me at home just to avoid seeing him, I’m going to be stuck here for the rest of my life! I just want to get this over and done with.’ I looked at him pleadingly. ‘You know I don’t ask for anything. Just let me do something I want to do, for me, just this one time.’
Alex considered it for a moment, and then sighed. “Fine, but you are not to leave any of your classes until I come and pick you up,” he said.

I gasped, and threw my arms around him, pulling him into a thankful hug. He was being just a little bit overprotective, but at least he was willing to compromise. After a moment, his arms went around me as well, pulling me in. I felt my heart skip a beat. I pulled away and smiled at him, waiting for him to smile back, but he didn’t. I felt the corners of my lips turn down as he did nothing but search my face. I wondered what he expected to find.

“You’re not scared at all, are you?” he guessed.

I shook my head. ‘I’m not afraid of seeing him. One would hope that both of us are mature enough to just walk away from any confrontation.’

Alex grinned slightly. “So you’re saying it would be immature of me to bash his skull in?”

I gave him a suffering look, but managed to keep a smile on my face while I did it. ‘You wouldn’t do that in the presence of a lady, though,’ I signed, then curtsied to prove my point.

Alex laughed at me. “You’re a little nutcase,” he told me, ruffling my hair a little bit.

I pouted at him and swatted his hand away. ‘I’ll do the same to you next time you do that,’ I warned.

“I honestly wouldn’t care,” he replied. “Come now, we better get out of here before we’re late for first period.”

***

From the second Alex and I walked onto school grounds, people were giving us weird looks. Okay, to be more specific, they were giving me weird looks, and I didn’t even have to guess what it was about. Gossip spread like wildfire around towns like Clindon, and I was positive that the entire student body, the staff body, and the rest of the town knew what had happened the previous day. Heck, even my parents, who were tens of thousands of kilometres away, probably knew what had happened. I sighed, and let my hair frame my face, shielding me ever so slight from the harsh glances.

“Ignore them, Tahara,” Alex whispered firmly. “I got your back today.”

We walked to our lockers and silently organised our things. I tried to ignore the furious whispers of the people walking past, not knowing that I could hear them clearly. Like any gossip, there were different variations of the truth. Some were suggesting that I had started the fight against Kyle and Alex had just finished it for me. Others were suggesting that Kyle actually had raped me. One far-fetched rumour even said that my entire living room was now covered in blood and that the three of us had had emergency cosmetic surgery to fix us up.

Yeah, teenage rumours freak me out too.

Once I was done, I turned to walk over and join Alex while he rummaged through his locker looking for his science, but was blocked. Stellar Stella stood before me, arms folded across her chest, the mails of her manicured right hand drumming elegantly against her left arm. Trust her to be the representative of the student body, who would approach me for the story.

“You dumped Kyle,” she said knowingly.

I didn’t take my eyes off hers, and didn’t give any inclination of answer to her question.

“Get lost, Stella,” Alex said, coming and standing beside me protectively.

Stella’s eyes widened as her gaze flickered between us. “Dumped the boyfriend for the best friend, huh? How typically cliché,” she said in a voice that was so sickening fake-sweet I wanted to shove my hand down her throat, rip out her voice box and set fire to it.

“Believe what you will, Stella, but I’ll tell you now – Tahara and I are not a couple,” Alex said firmly. “She dumped Kyle because he is an arrogant, overprotective loser who deserves everything he got, and then some. He hit Tahara, so I hit him.” Stella gasped and put a hand over her mouth when she heard this. “So you can go back and tell your glitter squad this and all the hot gossip you want, but you should know that neither of us really give a shit what you or anyone else thinks.”

With this, Alex draped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards Home Economics, leaving Stella to stare after us in amazement.

‘Thanks,’ I signed, awed.

“No problem,” he replied, removing his arm. “Bitch deserved to have someone tell it to her like it is.”

We went upstairs and I walked into the Home Economics room confidently knowing that Alex was right beside me. I looked over and saw Kyle looking at me, but he looked away as soon as he saw that I could see him looking at me. Alex made a disgusted noise in his throat as he followed me. I took a deep breath and sat down next to Melissa. She looked at me, shocked for a second. As soon as she realised what I was doing, she jumped up and hugged me tighter than my mother had when she left.

“Oh my God, Tahara, I’ve heard everything and then some! What happened hon? Kyle is such a dick! You need to tell me everything!” she exclaimed, then stood back, smiling.
I smiled as well. It felt good to know that she was going to take me back, at least.

“I’m right here!” Kyle exclaimed angrily, standing up and glaring at Melissa.

“Shut your trap, you cock-sucking, mother-fucking, elephant-loving son of a bitch!” Melissa snapped. Kyle immediately sat down and buried his face in his hands. No one ever dared argue with Melissa.

“Miss James!” Mr. Daniels scolded, obviously having walked into the room during Melissa’s tirade without us noticing. “I will not tolerate that sort of language in my classroom! Apologise!”

Melissa glared at Kyle, who looked at her triumphantly. I blushed as Melissa turned her defiant stare to Mr. Daniels. “I will apologise to you, sir, but not him,” she said, jerking her head towards Kyle.

Mr. Daniels ran a hand over his bald spot. “I’ll accept that,” he conceded.

“But, sir-“

“Enough, Mr. Thompson!” Mr. Daniels snapped, taking his place at the front of the room. “No more teenage drama in my classroom!”

Melissa, Alex and I sat down, Alex to my left. “Elephant loving?” he whispered across me to Melissa, who shrugged.

“It fitted,” she replied.