I'll Never Say I Love You

“Tahara, what the hell?” he screamed, doubling over in agony. I quickly moved away and grabbed my bag from my computer. When I got there, Alex walked into the room.

“God, Tarie, what happened?” he asked, running over and pulling me into his arms protectively. I turned around in his arms so that I could face Kyle, who was now curled up in a ball on the ground. I must have kicked him harder than I thought.

“The bitch kicked me!” Kyle gasped, facing us.

“Who are you calling a bitch, Thompson?” Alex asked, and I sensed rather than saw his anger flare. I felt him grab my forearms, as though to move me out of the way, but I grabbed his hands. I gripped them until I was sure he wasn’t going to make any sudden moves, then quickly let go and turned around to face him.

‘It’s my turn now,’ I signed, looking at him sternly. ‘Translate.’

Alex knew better than to even try and disagree with me when I was this determined, and so nodded meekly. I turned so that I could see Alex and Kyle, who was now standing and staring at us venomously, at the same time. Even though I knew Kyle would probably be able to understand what I was going to say, I wasn’t going to take any chances at miscommunication, hence why I was getting Alex to translate.

‘I don’t love you. I never have and I never will.’

“She doesn’t love you. Never has, never will,” Alex translated, with a slightly smug tone.

‘Leave me alone. I swear, if you ever come within a metre of me again, I will rip off your testicles and add them to my collection of earrings,’ I signed, making sure I glared at Kyle while speaking.

Alex stifled a laugh. “If you come near her again, she’s gonna rip off your balls and use them as earrings,” Alex said, constantly trying to stifle his laughter.

Before anyone could say anything else, I turned on my heel and stormed out of the room. I heard footsteps behind me and instinctively knew that it was Alex.

“Tahara, please wait!” he called.

I sighed angrily, but stopped and let him catch up to me. We continued walking together.

“I didn’t know you had it in you to kick a guy in the nuts, Tarie,” he said with a laugh. “He was in pain worse than I have ever seen anyone in!”

I shrugged, not really caring. The bastard deserved it, but at the same time, I still felt guilty for just leaving him there.

We reached our lockers, and Alex hovered by me while I sorted through my things. “You did the right thing, Tahara. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you,” he said apologetically. I avoided his eyes, which I knew were trying to make contact with mine. He ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m proud of you, Tahara,” he whispered.

I turned and looked at him sharply. ‘I hurt him, Alex. Why would you be proud of me?’ I signed bitterly.

Once my eyes met his, I couldn’t move them. “I’m proud of you because you stood up for yourself, and you did what was right for you without thinking about how it would affect everyone else for once,” he whispered, his hand now cupping my cheek.

I snapped myself out of the trance he had me in and went back to sorting out my things. Sighing, Alex went and did the same.

***

That evening, there was an email from my parents sitting in my inbox. They described how they had arrived at their beachfront hotel and were enjoying the warm weather, and were looking forward to snorkelling and learning how to surf. Mum described how much she missed me, which brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t realised how much I would miss them, and was thankful they were only going to be gone for a week. I was lying on my stomach on my bed, typing a reply, when Alex walked into my room.

“Are they having fun?” he asked, reading my response over my shoulder.

I nodded. Surfing and snorkelling is on the agenda, I typed, making sure Alex knew it was directed at him.

I felt him nod, as his chin was rested on my shoulder. “Sounds like fun.” I felt him tilt his head towards me. “What’s on our agenda?”

I shrugged him off and rolled over to face him, moving all the way over to the other side of the bed. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, lying on my side and propping my head up with my hand when I wasn’t talking, my elbow rested on the bed.

He sat down on the edge of the bed. “You and I should do something,” he explained. “We could go to the movies, we could go to the arcade, we could go mini golfing, we could just head out for a meal...I dunno, Tarie, I just wanna do something with you,” he said, shrugging in an attempt at nonchalance, but I saw right through it.

I lifted my head off my hand. ‘You mean like a date?’ I prompted.

Alex blushed ever so slightly. “Not necessarily a date, but after what’s happened over the past few days, I just feel as though someone needs to take you out and show you a good time,” he answered.

I smiled at him. ‘That’s sweet, but you know I’m happy just being here,’ I replied.

Alex lay down next to me, mirroring me in body posture. “Then we’ll do something here,” he said conclusively. “We could watch a movie, we could play the game consoles, and we could bake together. The possibilities are endless, Tarie.”

I rolled my eyes at him good-naturedly. ‘Alex, I just feel like relaxing tonight,’ I signed.

“Movie it is! I was thinking about one of those animated ones you like so much, what do you think?” Alex asked, almost imperceptibly moving closer towards me. My heartbeat started increasing.

‘That sounds fine,’ I signed, trying to appear casual.

Once I was finished speaking and I put my head back in my hand, and tried to put the other one by my side, but I was stopped by Alex. Using his free hand he grabbed it, and intertwined our fingers. They seemed to mesh together perfectly, our hands perfectly complimenting temperatures. Alex brought both of our hands up to his face. Maintaining smouldering eye contact with me, he gently kissed each of my fingers, and then flipped our hands around and kissed the back of my hand. I just started at him, my mouth slightly agape, and my eyes never leaving his. I felt as though time was suspended within our locked gaze, and so barely registered that he was moving closer to me until his lips grazed mine.

“Tell me what you’re thinking at this very instant,” he breathed.

My instantaneous thought was that I wanted him to kiss me.

He probably picked up on this, because ever so gently, he put more pressure on my lips with his, kissing me. Our eyes closed simultaneously, and I felt myself gripping tightly onto his hand, never wanting to let go. Alex responded by releasing my hand and putting both of his on either side of my face, pulling me closer to him.

My heart plummeted when I heard the distinctive tone of Alex’s phone ringing. Reluctantly, I separated my lips from his and pulled back from the kiss.

“Let it ring,” Alex said fiercely, pulling me back towards him and crashing our lips together. I didn’t even bother resisting this time, curling my arms around his neck and kissing him gently to balance out the passion in his kiss. It was overwhelming.

Almost as soon as the phone stopped ringing, it started again. It was Alex who pulled away this time, groaning in frustration. “They must really want to talk to me,” he grumbled, pulling his phone out of the pocket and looking at it. “It’s Mum,” he said, and took the call, walking out of the room.

While he was gone, I sat up, legs bent and arms curled around them. I rested my chin on my knees. Kissing Alex had made me extremely sad for reasons I could barely even begin to comprehend. A part of me still felt I was betraying Kyle, moving on so soon, but the saner part of me reminded myself that I didn’t owe him anything. Then why was I so upset?

“So, where were we?” Alex asked, walking back into the room and sitting next to me, looking expectantly happy.

‘We...’ I faltered. ‘We were going to pick a movie to watch,’ I signed.

I could see Alex’s face fall. “Don’t you even want to talk about it, Tahara?” he asked, crestfallen.

I shook my head emphatically. ‘Not now, Alex,’ I replied. I didn’t want to talk about it – I didn’t even want to think about it.

Trying to ignore how hurt I knew Alex was, I got off the bed and left the room.

The rest of the night was awkward, and Alex and I barely spoke to one another. After walking out of the room I went and started cooking dinner, while Alex put on a movie. I finished cooking and then Alex let me choose a movie to watch. Once the movie was finished, we decided to go our separate ways for the night. After the events of the previous night, with my hysteria, Alex was understandably reluctant to let me go. Being stubborn as I was, however, I insisted that I be left alone.

“I should be sleeping on your floor,” Alex muttered as I tucked him in on the futon.

‘So I can trip over you on my way to the bathroom? Not a chance,’ I replied. I brushed some stray curls off his forehead, like I knew he liked it. ‘Now go to sleep and stop your whining.’

“But Tarie-“

If I had been speaking, I would have been snapping at him. ‘Just quit your complaining and go to sleep!’ I signed quickly. ‘Goodnight, Alex. I’ll wake you in the morning and make some choc-chip pancakes.’

“Goodnight, Tahara,” he replied, and rolled over so that he was facing away from me.

I was stung that he was angry at me, but decided not to show it. Much as it bothered me, I knew he was just trying to do what he thought was best for me, as was everyone else in my life. I turned and walked into my room. I switched off my light and snuggled underneath my covers, trying to protect my body from the cold of the winter. I settled relatively quickly. I hugged my banana pillow and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to find me.

It seemed as though I had only been in my room a few minutes when the light was thrown back on. I rolled over, confused, and looked at the doorway. Alex stood there, gripping his pillow under his right arm. I gave him a confused look, wondering what he was doing here. He had been the one trying to convince me to go to sleep, yet here he was.

“Shove over,” he said, throwing his people onto the bed.

I moved over to the left side of the bed and watched him as he switched of the light and pulled back the covers. I wanted to ask him why he was here, but it was pitch black in the room. I reached across him carefully, not entirely knowing where he was, and flicked on my bedside lamp.

“Tahara,” Alex groaned, facing me sleepily. “What the hell was that for?”

My jaw dropped. Here he was climbing into my bed, and he had the audacity to ask me why I was turning on my light? ‘Because I damn well can!’ I signed angrily. ‘Now, why are you in my bed?’

Alex sighed. “I’m here because if you’re going to have hysterics again tonight” – I winced – “I don’t want to be walking back and forth. I would prefer to just stay here, sleep while I can, and not run into various pieces of furniture. And if you start your hysterics then I’ll just comfort you best I can.”

I looked at him apologetically. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I signed. I wriggled closer to him and put my right arm over his chest in a hug-like gesture.

Alex patted my arm appreciatively, and I was glad he got the message. “You just take your time getting better. I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” he whispered.

As far as I know, I fell asleep with my arm draped across his chest. I don’t remember moving it before I fell asleep. It felt weird to be sleeping in the same bed as him, but also more comforting than what I knew it should be. It took me a while to fall asleep, because of how fast my heart was beating – I was positive Alex could hear it, as it was also very loud – but I got there eventually. I didn’t dream, per se, but my sleep was filled with flashes of bright colour that made me feel happy and peaceful.

Unfortunately, when I woke up briefly in the early hours of the morning, I had forgotten that Alex and I were sharing a bed so when my eyes fluttered open and I saw Alex peering intently at my face, I was scared. My eyes snapped open and I screamed, backing myself away from him.

“Sh, Tahara,” Alex whispered soothingly, reaching out and putting his arms around me. He wriggled closer to me and pulled me into a tight hug. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

I calmed down as I remembered what had happened, and relaxed. Alex seemed to grow calmer as well, his arms relaxed against me. I used the opportunity to wriggle out of the hug and flick the bedside light back on.

“Damn it, Tahara, what was that for?” Alex grumbled. He looked at me, his eyes blinking furiously as they adjusted to the light. “It’s three in the morning!”

‘I’m awake,’ I signed. ‘I only screamed because you scared the crap out of me.’

“Sorry,” he apologised. “I thought you were going crazy again.”

I winced. ‘How bad has it been tonight?’ I asked.

“Not bad,” Alex answered, sounding pleased. “Just a bit of whimpering a few hours ago, but other than that, you’ve been quiet.”

I winced again, feeling terrible for what I was putting him through. ‘I am so sorry, Alex,’ I signed. ‘I really don’t want to make you do this.’

“Tahara,” Alex said with a laugh. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards him, forcing my head to rest on his shoulder. His other arm came around the other side, hugging me. I placed my right hand on his chest. “I do this because I care. I don’t want your sympathy or your regret. The only thing I want right now is for you to get better.”

I snuggled into him. ‘You are seriously the sweetest person I have ever met,’ I signed, smiling, but also hesitant at the same time. Was it right to get this close when we weren’t officially a couple?

Alex seemed to feel the same way, as his face suddenly looked very hesitant, but he still pulled me closer to him. I was amazed at how warm he was, despite the coolness of the night.

“Tahara?” he asked suddenly, hesitantly. That tone worried me.

‘What’s up?’ I asked, trying to stay calm despite how fast my heart was racing.

Alex was still hesitant. “Where do...where do you see this going?” he whispered eventually, his voice barely audible.