I'll Never Say I Love You

“First things first,” Kyle began. “How did you get your name?”

Dad wanted Tahlia, Mum wanted Tamara. This was the only compromise they both liked, I wrote in my notepad.

Kyle read my answer and nodded. “Makes sense,” he said, “Right, next question.”

I shook my head fervently, giving him a surprised look. I pointed to myself.

“All right, your turn to ask,” Kyle said, laughing.

Where did you move here from? I settled on.

“Melbourne,” he answered. “Righto...why don’t you speak?”

My first school friend was deaf, and used sign language. I liked it, and got my parents to enrol me in classes to learn. After a while, I just stopped talking, because I preferred sign language. It was a standard answer that I gave to anyone who asked this question, which was normally everyone I met.

“And your parents just let you?” Kyle asked, shocked.

I nodded. That was two questions, so now I get to ask two, I wrote, looking smug.

“No, that doesn’t count!” Kyle argued, his voice rising while his smile grew.

Does too, I wrote, and poked my tongue out at him. His eyes sparkled as he laughed at me, and it made me blush ever so slightly. First – who do you live with?

“It’s just me and my dad. My mum passed away when I was three,” Kyle answered. He stared straight ahead as he answered.

I felt bad for him. I couldn’t imagine life without my mum. I’m sorry for your loss, I wrote.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kyle said, giving me a weak smile. “I barely knew her.”

I thought momentarily about my next question. Why did you leave Melbourne for Clindon?

“My dad was forced into retirement through a work-related injury, and he always wanted to retire to the beach. Clindon just happened to have really nice houses for sale.”

I nodded.

“Oh, my turn,” Kyle said, as though he had forgotten what we were doing. His brow furrowed as he thought, and it made him look cute. “Who was that guy you flipped off after Home Ec?”

Alex. He’s my best mate. We were just kidding around. I smiled at him. What’s your lucky number?

It went on like this for the lunch break, questions flying back and forth about each other’s lives. I also taught him a bit of sign language, so that it would be easier for us to communicate next time. Hopefully there would be a next time. When the bell rang, I was reluctant to leave.

“What class do you have now?” Kyle asked, standing up.

Math, I wrote.

Kyle looked excited. “Really? Who with?”

Mr. Miller.

The excited look disappeared. “Damn, I have Clear,” he muttered. “May I look at your timetable?” I handed him my timetable, and he scanned it. “Science and Math same time with different teachers, English and Social at different times with the same teachers. Looks like Home Ec is our only class together.”

I wondered if perhaps he and Alex had their English and Social Studies classes together, but didn’t want to ask. We walked out of the library together, side by side, and it felt oddly natural. I was developing a crush on Kyle. He was cute, funny, and seemed to care about me. He was the only person my own age I had met recently who didn’t treat me like a freak. When we got to the class, Melissa simply beamed.

“Your friend seems happy to see you,” Kyle murmured, leaning closer to me.

I shook my head. ‘Us,’ I quasi-signed.

“You don’t normally walk around with guys?” Kyle asked, surprised.

I shook my head again.

When we reached my classroom, Kyle looked at me. “Can I ask you one last question?” he asked quietly.

I nodded expectantly. He seemed cautious, so I was excited to hear his question.

“Why didn’t I notice someone as beautiful as you before the party?” he asked.

I was sure my face was bright red. I wasn’t a redhead.

As I wrote that, a class down the hall – Kyle’s class – started walking into their room. Kyle noticed this and smiled wistfully at me, his eyes glittering again. “I have to go now, but I really hope we can catch up again tomorrow.”

If my blush had started to disappear – which I doubted – then it came back immediately. Kyle wanted to see me again. He enjoyed spending time with me. He had called me beautiful. I had not felt this pleased to be me in a very, very long time.

‘Me too,’ I signed, smiling.

Kyle waved at me as he walked towards his classroom. I waved back, trying not to look like a lovesick puppy, but I don’t think that went well. I was smitten. I watched him until he entered the classroom, and then turned to gossip with Melissa as quickly as we could before class went in.

Through Math, I could not stop thinking about Kyle. Every time I tried to read my algebra equations, all I could see was his eyes. His eyes were amazing. I loved the way that the specks seemed to change colour whenever the light shone on them, almost as though they were diamonds being struck by the sunlight.

So deep was I in my thoughts, I actually jumped when the bell rang to signal the end of class. Next to me, Melissa giggled. “Your head is in the clouds, Miss Anderson,” she said theatrically as we walked out of the classroom. “If you could, it would be nice for you to come back down to Earth and spend time with us mere mortals!” she shouted as we went our separate ways.

Alex was leaning nonchalantly against the library wall, smiling as he saw me walking towards him. It was strange, as I was normally there before him. I frowned at him, wondering if he had skipped his Science class, a hobby he had partaken in during middle school that I disapproved of. I only wished that Kate and Janice, who shared their Math and Science classes with Alex, liked him so they would have stopped him.

“Chillax, Tarie,” Alex said casually as I approached him. I could tell he knew what I was thinking. “I didn’t skip. We had a sub that let us out early for some strange reason.”
I nodded, pleased. ‘It’s good to hear that you’re behaving yourself,’ I told him. ‘Staying out of trouble, what a good little boy.’

He fell into step with me as I reached him, and we walked towards our lockers wordlessly. There was never an awkward silence between the two of us, probably because we were used to at least half silence in our conversations.

We had reached our lockers and were starting to organise our things when Alex spoke again. “Who was that guy who looked like he wanted to bash me when you flipped me off after Home Ec?” he asked.

I blushed. Partially because I was embarrassed about Alex asking about Kyle, and partially because I felt guilty that even though I didn’t have a chance with Alex, being with him still made me forget all about Kyle. ‘Kyle. He’s new. You saw him as we were leaving the party,’ I signed. ‘He and I were just getting to know each other. Speaking of which, is he in any of your classes? He has English and Social at the same time as you.’

‘Haven’t seen him.’ Alex waggled his eyebrows, and I hit him playfully. “Are you two dating?” he asked curiously.

‘No, just friends,’ I signed quickly. For some reason, the idea of Kyle actually being my BOYFRIEND terrified me. The idea labelling someone like that had a certain negative connotation. However, I most certainly wanted to be more than friends.

“You want more than that though, don’t you?” Alex asked smugly, meeting my eyes and holding them.

Damn him. He knew my eyes darted when I tried to avoid a question, and that if he held my gaze I would be forced to answer the question. ‘Sort of,’ I admitted. I could feel myself blushing.

Alex let out a low whistle, and then grinned goofily when I scowled at him. “Tahara and Kyle, sitting in a tree...”

I shut him up by throwing one of my notepads at him before he could finish the stupid song. ‘Be nice,’ I signed, trying to feel confident. I knew I was failing because I could feel my face burning with my blush. ‘I’ve never given you shit when you’ve been dating, have I?’

“No,” Alex admitted, sticking the book I had thrown at him in his backpack. “Then again, you’ve always been the nicer one out of the two of us.”

I gave him a warm smile. ‘Sometimes you’re so sugary that I want to put you in my morning coffee,’ I signed, giving him a sarcastic simpering look.

Alex pretended to look hurt. “Clip those claws, Tarie,” he said mock-disdainfully. The nails thing was a running joke between us. Whenever I was bitchy, intended or not, Alex thought of it as being catty, and as I spoke using my hands and fingers...well, hopefully you get the idea. Simple ideas amused him.

‘And ruin this manicure? I don’t think so, honey,’ I responded, pouting to make me look like a diva.

Alex just laughed and closed his locker, ready for the walk to my place.

“Tahara, you’re home earlier than normal,” Mum said, greeting Alex and I with chocolate cheesecake when we got home.

‘We both got out on time for once,’ I signed, shrugging.

“Alex, how good to see you!” Mum exclaimed. She hugged him as soon as they both had their hands free. “You’re just the person I wanted to talk to.”

I groaned and mentally face-palmed myself, having forgotten completely about asking Alex about the sleepover while my parents went on their second honeymoon.

“Something up, Tahara?” Alex asked, looking at me.

‘I forgot to ask him,’ I signed to Mum, looking apologetic.

Mum clicked her tongue at me. “Honestly, Tahara, what are we going to do with you?” she asked. She went and sat down in one of the armchairs.

“I’m confused,” Alex said, sitting down on the futon. I sat next to him, and Maxwell jumped into my lap. “What was I supposed to be asked?”

Mum and I looked at each other, and within the glance, it was somehow decided that it would be Mum speaking. It’s weird how those things are just decided with a glance. “Frederick and I are taking our second honeymoon in June, and we wondered if you would perhaps stay here with Tahara for a week while we were gone.”

Alex stole a quick look at me, then turned back to face Mum. “I’m fine with that, Mandy,” Alex replied. “I’ll have to check it with my parents, but I’d be happy to babysit Tahara,” he added, poking his tongue out at me.

‘It’s not babysitting,’ I protested, getting tweaked.

“Chillax, Tahara,” Alex said soothingly, smiling warmly at me. I immediately calmed. “Your parents worry about you being alone. I’ll be here to keep you safe.”

“Exactly,” Mum said, smiling as she rose gracefully and walked to the kitchen.

Alex nudged me. “It’ll be fun. We’ll stay up late, braid each other’s hair, paint each other’s nails...” he trailed off, grinning at me playfully.

I rolled my eyes. ‘Not even I’m that girly. But if you want to paint your toenails, be my guest.’