Give Up The Fight

Over the years I’ve become accustomed to the pain, whether it be physical or emotional. That was part of the job that I’ve come to accept. What I do for a living is complicated, physically draining, and just plain dangerous. I have however, been taught to suck up that pain and be a man. Hell, it was drilled into my brain ever since I was a little kid. Dad was trying to protect me; to protect Sam. And now that he’s been gone, and I just came back from Hell, Sam hasn’t been the same. He’s been keeping secrets, I figured that out the day I came back. I’m uncertain whether or not to ignore his behavior or knock some sense into the damn kid. It’s been more than painful having to watch him grow up wanting to be someone else. And now that this thing---this Ruby thing---has hit the fan, I know for sure I can’t trust him ever again. I never will after what he’s done to me.

It hurts to be to Hell and back, but what hurts much worse is seeing my brother, my own blood, become this monster. I just don’t understand how the hell he thought that demon bitch could help him kill Lilith. I knew, Cas knew, and even Bobby knew that she was full of shit from day one. The fucked up thing is, that bitch strung him along this whole time, and he believed every single word she said. She was so persuasive that I even believed for a second that she wasn’t evil. I need my brother back. It’s been so much harder to hide my emotions lately, and it’s almost as if I’ve run out of sarcastic remarks.

If I ever met God I would ask him why the hell everyone I ever loved is either dead, invalid, or untrustworthy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much agony, even Hell wasn’t as bad as this. I’ve never felt so alone in all my life, or this desperate to have my brother back. I’m having trouble with forgiving him but I know I have to sooner or later, because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll lose him for good this time. Being a hunter comes with years of strife, loss and anguish. That can really get to a person. Take Gordon for example; he drove himself crazy hunting vampires after what happened to his sister. Then he ended up cutting off her head.

Sam has always been the most sensitive person I’ve ever known, and to see that mass amount of demon blood covering his mouth was torture. I’m not about to go cutting off this head anytime soon though. I mean, I’ve done some crazy things in my lifetime, but this is just bat shit insane. How could I let this happen? I should have listened to Castiel when he warned me about Sam. How am I supposed to live with angels on my back and the Devil himself coming out of Hell to bring on the apocalypse? I envy the normal people who don’t have to deal with this. Nobody can help me with this ever-present pain I feel every day of my life, even if I wanted someone to understand. They just can’t. And I don’t expect them to. Maybe we should just surrender and give up this fight between good and evil… that’s what I like to tell myself, but I know it will never happen. It’s kill or be killed, and I’m the one who sometimes wants to be the latter.