Sequel: Trust. ›
Bitter Goodbyes.
XX.
Sometimes, I think Mother Nature just knows when to make it rain. It’s been raining for days now, but I guess that makes sense. Today was the first clear day all week, and I knew that meant it was time. I walked through the cemetery, trying to prolong the distance from where I stood to her grave. I weaved my way through the 4 rows of headstones that separated her from the road. I kneeled down in front of her headstone, resting my hand on it. After thinking for a while, I started to talk.
“Hi Lauren, I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. Things are crazy here. Graduation is next week, and then I’m leaving for California the 28th. You remember when we were little, we always said we were gonna pack our bags and take a road trip? Well, it’s not going to be the same without you. But I know you’ll be there with me, right there in the passenger’s seat, dancing in the car to our favorite songs.
“I keep the scrap book from the past 18 years with me everywhere I go. The minute I start to miss you, I pull it out and flip through the evidence of all the crazy memories we’ve had. The cake fights at every birthday party, the trips to the lake, the concerts, the time we snuck out at like 4 in the morning to buy candy, only to get caught and realize there was already candy at your house. That was crazy. I was grounded for like, ever. The only thing I was allowed to do was go to your house, which in my mind made no sense, but it made me happy so whatever. We got away with so much after that, I think my mom just gave up on punishment. We always got out of it anyway.” I paused, laughing to myself at the memories.
“You remember how you, Carolynn, and I went camping out at the cabin last year, right before… you left? Is that okay to say? Well, anyway, we did it again for old times’ sake. It was sort of a fail though, the cabin felt so empty without you...one less room was filled, one less person to stay up all night with, talking about the future…
“Everyone’s making big plans to get out of this town, girl. I wonder if you would’ve moved to New York like you always dreamed, or maybe so ocean place; Cali with me, maybe? I wish I could have the answers. Jason and I have been talking; he might meet me out in California. He keeps saying how bad he needs to sun and the sand. Man, does he miss you Lauren. You were his baby sister. All he ever wanted was to take care of you, especially after your Dad left. I think he blames himself for what happened. Of course, he won’t admit it; he’s trying so hard to stay strong for your mom, but I saw him crying the other day. Nothing’s ever broken my heart like that…other than you leaving. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it, because even after a year I still can’t come to except it.
“You know, I was so mad at you when I first heard. How could you do this to me, Lauren? We were best friends. You meant... Mean everything to me. You know, if you would have told me you were so unhappy, so upset, I could’ve helped you. I never realized you struggled so much. Then, once I got over being angry with you, I was angry with myself for being so oblivious. How could I not have seen the signs? Looking back now, they are so clear. You were quiet; you were pulling back from everyone, falling behind. Maybe I did notice, but didn’t want to believe it. But still, for you of all people to do that... You were my bubbly, energetic, happy best friend. The person I began to see wasn’t you. It wasn’t the girl I love like a sister. You were hiding so much from me, and I didn’t see. Maybe if I just would’ve asked you what was wrong, and not taken ‘nothing’ as an answer, would I have been able to save you? Will you ever be able to forgive me for not saving you?
“I have so many questions that I can’t find the answer for. You’re the only one who knows the truth. I guess I’ll ask you someday. I miss you girl, remember that, alright? I love you.”
I stood up, wiping the few tears that had fallen from my eyes. Before I walked away for what might have been the last time before leaving for California, I read the words inscribed on Lauren’s headstone. “You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.” –To Write Love on her Arms.
I said my last goodbye, and walked out just as the rain started to fall.
“Hi Lauren, I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. Things are crazy here. Graduation is next week, and then I’m leaving for California the 28th. You remember when we were little, we always said we were gonna pack our bags and take a road trip? Well, it’s not going to be the same without you. But I know you’ll be there with me, right there in the passenger’s seat, dancing in the car to our favorite songs.
“I keep the scrap book from the past 18 years with me everywhere I go. The minute I start to miss you, I pull it out and flip through the evidence of all the crazy memories we’ve had. The cake fights at every birthday party, the trips to the lake, the concerts, the time we snuck out at like 4 in the morning to buy candy, only to get caught and realize there was already candy at your house. That was crazy. I was grounded for like, ever. The only thing I was allowed to do was go to your house, which in my mind made no sense, but it made me happy so whatever. We got away with so much after that, I think my mom just gave up on punishment. We always got out of it anyway.” I paused, laughing to myself at the memories.
“You remember how you, Carolynn, and I went camping out at the cabin last year, right before… you left? Is that okay to say? Well, anyway, we did it again for old times’ sake. It was sort of a fail though, the cabin felt so empty without you...one less room was filled, one less person to stay up all night with, talking about the future…
“Everyone’s making big plans to get out of this town, girl. I wonder if you would’ve moved to New York like you always dreamed, or maybe so ocean place; Cali with me, maybe? I wish I could have the answers. Jason and I have been talking; he might meet me out in California. He keeps saying how bad he needs to sun and the sand. Man, does he miss you Lauren. You were his baby sister. All he ever wanted was to take care of you, especially after your Dad left. I think he blames himself for what happened. Of course, he won’t admit it; he’s trying so hard to stay strong for your mom, but I saw him crying the other day. Nothing’s ever broken my heart like that…other than you leaving. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it, because even after a year I still can’t come to except it.
“You know, I was so mad at you when I first heard. How could you do this to me, Lauren? We were best friends. You meant... Mean everything to me. You know, if you would have told me you were so unhappy, so upset, I could’ve helped you. I never realized you struggled so much. Then, once I got over being angry with you, I was angry with myself for being so oblivious. How could I not have seen the signs? Looking back now, they are so clear. You were quiet; you were pulling back from everyone, falling behind. Maybe I did notice, but didn’t want to believe it. But still, for you of all people to do that... You were my bubbly, energetic, happy best friend. The person I began to see wasn’t you. It wasn’t the girl I love like a sister. You were hiding so much from me, and I didn’t see. Maybe if I just would’ve asked you what was wrong, and not taken ‘nothing’ as an answer, would I have been able to save you? Will you ever be able to forgive me for not saving you?
“I have so many questions that I can’t find the answer for. You’re the only one who knows the truth. I guess I’ll ask you someday. I miss you girl, remember that, alright? I love you.”
I stood up, wiping the few tears that had fallen from my eyes. Before I walked away for what might have been the last time before leaving for California, I read the words inscribed on Lauren’s headstone. “You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.” –To Write Love on her Arms.
I said my last goodbye, and walked out just as the rain started to fall.
♠ ♠ ♠
"You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters."--To Write Love On Her Arms.