Our Deathly Love

The voices, they were so loud, it was like a sledge hammer going away right in my ear, accompanied by the feeling of being hit by a truck. This feeling was not something I wanted. This pain was not normal, it hurt burning away at me.

I think I was crying. Now if I could only figure out where I was? It was so bright, like the stage lights in Drama, or at least that was what it felt like. Although these lights did not carry a feel of accomplishment, happiness or even giddiness, only pain and persistence.

My body shouts out a cry of distress with every breath I took. Even as I closed my eyes the light streamed in and caused my head to hurt even more, and along with the voices I was unable to allow the darkness to take me. Oh how I wanted the darkness to take me away from my pain, but the longer I laid there the more I came to realize that my new friend was not coming to save me. I would have to face where or what ever I was.

Then it hit me, like a car running down the road, realization was the car, and I was that furry bunny too stupid to get out of the way.

I don't know what was worse, the pain, or the fear.................

What had happened?

Where was I?

As I tried to control my breathing, and my heart rate, the voices started to come in louder and louder. The more the voices became louder the more they started to make sense, the sounds that I had heard started to form words, then sentences, then I was able to tell the difference between different voices. It got to a point where I was able to even figure out who the voices belonged to.

I wondered if this was a dream, because Oliver was the last person I would think would be visiting me, wherever I was, Tristan on the other hand I was less surprised about.

This dream was real, too real, although at this point it was hard to tell what had been real and what had been a messed up dream. All I knew is that in some part of my mind I could do what they were doing: talk.

I wanted to talk.

I needed to talk.

I had something to say.

I wish I knew what I needed to say.

Then it hit me- my throat- it was dry, it hurt, the pain in my throat suddenly over took the fear of speaking.

I was afraid that something bad would happen if I spoke, I was not sure what, but fear gripped me in an iron hold.

Yet, the pain of needing water was far too great.

I struggled at first to make any noise at all, pain filled me up causing me to start to cry again, this time I was sure I was sobbing, which only caused me more pain and then again more tears.

It seemed that I was filled with never ending tears. The bubbling of emotions was strange to me in this state of half-being. I was not sure if the things I thought I was doing were actually happening or just my imagination playing out events I wanted to be.

"I'll get the nurse," this voice was Oliver, I was sure of it. Although it all could have very well been a dream, a thought, or even a wish; perhaps.

I felt a hand, rubbing mine, air brushed my face, I wish I could just open my eyes!

"Sleep, it's too early now..." The voice was soothing: it was Tristan.

A few more pain filled moments later and the darkness, my dearest friend, came back to save me again. It was not the same kind of darkness as had swallowed me before, but still I felt little pain. That fact alone made me unbelievably thankful.

This darkness took away my pain but did leave me with the voices for hours upon end.

I would get use to the voices and their constant ramble and then in a moment they would change into a different set of voices all together, the constant changing happened over and over again, until the darkness subsided once again, this time the voices were of a different set. A set that rang in the back of my mind as important, and yet the names of those who owned them were on the edge of my tongue and not at my disposal at the moment.

As the darkness left me this time, there was far less pain, far less hurt. I was numb, the pain was not gone but it was not able to touch me either. I knew that it was still there, that was for sure, but it was not able to touch me and lick at my insides as it tried to do before, this calmed me.

The words they said made more and more sense as I laid there and listened to them, soon the light came back as it did before, pulling me far away from the darkness that had saved me. I was slightly scared now, but I somehow knew what to do.

Now I knew that my mind was attached to something, somehow I now knew how to work it. I started gingerly of course, with a simple twitch in my fingers. I could feel and remember fingers but not see them.

It suddenly hit me to open my eyes. What a strange concept eyelids were, how easy it was to forget for even a moment that such a thing exists was odd to me.

Eyelids had never hit me as being the reason I could not see those who made the voices. I just thought they were voices and that was it, now the voices suddenly added to another strange concept: names, also now accompanied faces and more memories.

Weird; the things I had forgotten because of the darkness.

Twitching my fingers again, I tried to open my eyelids, it took me a bit of trying and an amount of time, but I ended up being successful in the end.

White, the room was white....

I noticed that first; the room was completely white, white walls, white tile, white chairs, white blanket.

So white it hurt...

Where was I?

I had an understanding of who I was, but not of where, or how I got to the place I was now at.

The more I blinked my eyes resting upon the room trying to understand where or what was going on I started to remember little things.

My name was Emelia, I was 16… I went to boarding school, I had friends, I guess… But what was I doing here? How did I get here? What was here?

Frustrated my eyes flickered down to myself. I was on a bed, with the same white sheets that matched the walls, in a scratchy dress-thing that matched as well.

A fleece blanket was pulled up to my chest, odd tubes and machines were attached to my small pale arms.

Tubes reminded me of some odd place that I had visited before; it only took me a moment of taking in a breath of the air in the room to comprehend the subtle smell of cleaning products to realize where I was.

The word sounded odd in my head: hospital. What a strange word, don’t you think?

The voices that refused to leave me alone with the blackness were silent now; my eyes scanning the room noticed what I attributed to the voices: people.

For a moment I was confused. The voices being connected to people, I did not think would be in this room, people who I thought impossible to be here.

In my mind there was an understanding that these two people in the same room, with me, at boarding school, or where ever I was, did not compute.

Jasper, and my mother were of two different parts of my lives. They existed in two different parts of my mind, never lapsing over into the same place. That would be absurd.

Yet, there they both stood, staring at me with a mixture of emotions on each of their faces. The emotions present confused me even more then I could have imagined possible.

The reality of what had happened hit me then, allowing sobs to rise in my throat and become released into the air in confused torrents of energy and emotion.

I watched as my mother and Jasper shot each other worried glances before quickly coming to my side. Both of their faces held such pain that my sobs became even worse. I was beyond working myself up. Damn, I hit that point way back, right now I was thankful I was still alive and that the aching pain I had in my throat was along with the craving for water and not blood.

The solemn look on their faces told me that things were going to become difficult.

My lungs burned as I took deep breaths preparing myself for what was to come. I had many things that I needed to say, and twice as many questions that I needed to ask.

But, where could I ever even imagine to begin with this?

The look of hurt my mother and Jasper tried to hide in their eyes rang out at me first. Such unnecessary sadness, over something I had done, gave me a pain-if possible-even greater than I felt before.

Perhaps, 'sorry,' should have been the first words out of my lips.

I had put my mother through too much already; frankly even in my state I was worried more about her sanity then my own health. After years of trying to protect her from the unpleasantness that went along with my life, I found it hard to have her see me this vulnerable, this weak.

Then there was Jasper; the boy who hardly knew me. I think the fact that Jasper did not know me all the way made this more painful for me. Part of me was surprised that after all that he has seen over the past two weeks that he was still here. I was not safe, or normal. I was not really thought of when the word 'girlfriend,' came to mind.

Over these past two weeks Jasper has had a chance to see me at my worst, he has had a chance to see me manipulate, scream, cry, and fight. Yet, he is still here? It's not that I don't think I am worth it, I know I am.... But, a part of me wonders if being worth it is really enough anymore.

I was not chipper, sexy, sweet, or any endearing thing that I could think of. I was exotic, dangerous, too fast or too slow, and willing to gamble away too much. Then there was Jasper: smart, thoughtful, heart-on-his-sleeve-emotional, and hilarious. It didn't hurt that he was a great kisser either.

I had dragged Jasper- who by this point had to be thinking I was crazy- to hell and back.
I was trouble, I knew that, even if I really didn't want to believe it. I was not the same as I had been before I came here. I did not want to be the same as I was before I came here either. I have been changed, or was in the process of being changed. It hadn't really sunk into me how much I had changed until this moment.

I had put my life in danger for someone else. I had put my life on the line for Vampires. That was never going to change. It did not change how I felt in my heart. I was tried- that was true- but pleased with what had happened. I had saved Fredrick and Phillipe. The situation may have just been a ruse to get me out in the open for Natasha, and I may have taken the bait, but I had done something. I had not allowed myself to become a bystander who did nothing to help those in need.

This relieved me but did not help stifle the selfish needs that were practically smothering me, robbing me of this one proud selfless moment.

My first words were not that of, 'sorry,' or anything that would make me look extremely deep, or amazing at the moment. My word reflected my own selfishness and needs that I could not force back or contain.

The hoarse-croaking noise of my voice sounded odd to me as I forced the single scratchy word from my throat; "water."

The need so great for me that it overshadowed all else. I guess after what had occurred I should be thankful that water was the liquid I desired most of all.

The word that had slipped into the silence, did not sound like my voice. It sounded all wrong, but the word did register to them. It took only seconds for Jasper to leave the room- without word- hopefully in search of water.

Leaving me there with my mother.

I know it is cruel to think this, but as I watched my mother, in her off standing position I was angry.

Maybe I was in shock?

I think at the moment I wanted a mother that would be smothering. My mother was too somber. The coldness of the room got to me. I slight pain registered in my arm as I moved it to rub my other slightly cold one.

I could hear the sound of the air conditioner in the background. The sound of small voices I had noticed before could be heard out in the hallway. A large picture of a basket of fruit being the only thing to bring color to this white room.

My mother's hesitation to be near me stung. She stood at my side, yes, but she was not really there; as if she was in some distant time, not really in the same reality as me. Her brown eyes so different from mine held pain that did not meet her lips. Her arms hugged her chest, she had traded out the usual gardening outfit for a pair of slacks and a scratchy looking sweater that was too big for her.

I remembered that she had knitted that sweater for my father so many years ago, something else she would not give away. Another memory forever trapped with her. She had to be uncomfortable wearing that thing outside, although it was freezing in my room it had to have been in the 80's-or so-outside.

For a moment I thought that we would just look at each other, not a word exchanged. Surprisingly though my mother did break the silence,"I got your letter." The words so simple and detached that I wanted to choke.

After all of my pain, she would only mention that she had gotten it?

"You should have told me, about everything sooner Emmy; I could have spared you this pain," she whispered. Her eyes flickered down, not daring to meet my blue eyes. Her hands now traced the fleece blanket, her mouth now in a drooped frown.

"That was not your job; it was mine," I whispered forcing the words out of my throat, wishing for that water.

"Do you know how that makes me feel, because you say that Emmy? I am your mother, even when I first saw your eyes and knew that you were not like me, I knew that you were mine. I have tried to protect you the best I could. I tried to save you from some of the pains I grew up with, but I never once took your feelings, or emotions into account. I was so determined to give you what I never had as a child, that I forgot to give you what I did have: love." I watched as my mother's brown eyes watered at this, her lips now in a pout that looked strikingly like my own.

Even as she said this, she did not try and touch me.

Lately she never tries to touch me.

"Spilled milk mom- spilled milk," I said sighing even though it was painful. I know I should not blame her, and tell her that: 'she did her best' or some shit like that. Let's face it though I was the child and she was the adult. Some of the things she would have figured out if she had really, cared.

Even if I was mostly to blame for the things that happened to me, she was still in there. She still had a part in my anguish, an anguish that only she could inflict, as she did now.

"That is not true; I still have a chance to fix this though! I'm not going to loose you too, Emmy." She said her voice in some sing-song soprano.

'Too,' she meant dad...

Yet, she still did not touch me?

I wondered why that bothered me so much... It's-just so unnerving, I knew that I should have expected her not to touch me, but I wanted her too. I wanted her to wrap her arms around me and tell me everything would be okay.

That was not my mother though. She did not do the touching thing.

I normally did not do the touching thing, so then why did I crave it so badly?

"Fix it?" I asked uncertain of the meaning behind her words. A shiver flew down my body, I wished that I had another blanket, or something thicker then this stupid fleece thing to cover me up. I was actually really cold.

My shiver was not discrete or anything, my mother saw it but did not mention it in the least, ignoring my comfortless feeling.

"I think that-that, it would be a good time for us to take the vacation you wanted to Bucharest." My mother said stumbling over her words a little in the beginning.

"I have classes," I stated frowning slightly at this comment. What was she thinking?

"I know," she mumbled her head turned towards the watch she had on her wrist, as if she was late for something.

It hit me then, violent with certainty; she wanted to take me away from the school. Not only that, but we would not be going home: not now, maybe not ever. She wanted to snatch me and run. She wanted to run and hide, as if hiding me would protect me from whatever was out there.

In a way I would get what I had wanted less than a month before. I would not be here, and I would be free from that horrible home, in a city, safe.

If this was what I wanted then why did I feel so sick? Why did I feel like I was going to puke at the thought of leaving here?

"I can't," I said simply, nothing else was needed to be said. I couldn't leave this place, not after all that had happened, a part of me wanted to leave with my mom, but too much of me was rooted here. I had so many things I had to do. I had so many promises left unfulfilled.

"Emmy, you don't realize what you are saying. I need you to come with me when you can leave. I know you want to leave, you are not happy here." She whispered, an edge of desperation creeped into her voice just then.

I watched as tears flowed down her cheeks, her hands now did what I wanted them to do in the beginning; touch me.

Her hands rubbed mine. They felt different then I remembered them. They were cold.

"I have to stay here, I belong, I can help people here." I whispered trying to convince her that I needed to stay.

Half my own heart tearing to pieces in the process.

Her tears became more frequent gushing down her cheeks as her cold hands now left my own and cupped my face.

Her brown eyes only inches from mine as she really looked at me.

She seemed to be appraising my words, and then me in general as she tried to get control of herself.

"I'm proud of you, my brave little girl." She admitted sniffling as she pulled away from me. I watched as she wiped her face off with one movement of the large sweaters sleeve. She was now more composed as picked up a few things off of a table, walking over to nod at Jasper who had entered sometime during our conversation: unknown to me.

She now had a small smile on her face as she addressed Jasper and I, "I think it is time for me to finally get some sleep, I'll see you later on Emmy, before I leave for home." She said smiling sheepishly to me then nodding to Jasper again.

I watched as she left the room, I kind'a wished that she would have stayed. She had said what she needed to say, now she was leaving. She never did like conversations.

Now that she was gone weight was lifted from my chest. Weight that I did not know I was carrying.

I watched as Jasper walked towards me his lips in a small smile as he brought me what I needed.

Without even having being asked, he knew. I forced a smile on my lips, along with a much needed, 'thank you' that followed, as he spread out the thick, warm blanket he had-somehow found- on top of me.

I eyed eagerly at the bottle of water he had on the nightstand next to me. Making little haste I quickly twisted the annoying top off and had the liquid gold going down my throat.

Jasper instead of watching me walked over to the window, I stared as he quickly opened the curtain basking me and the room into light.

The new light from the sun both hurt my eyes, and felt amazing on my skin.

Closing my eyes I enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my eyelids, a faint smile coming to my face as I felt the rays of light.

Taking deep breaths I lazily opened one eye as I felt my bed shift.

In the small amount of time I had taken to enjoy the sun, Jasper had made his way over to my bed. A small smile was placed rather normally on his face as he scooted me over to make room for himself next to me.

Some girls might blush at this. I mean Jasper's good looks were nothing to laugh at that was true, but he wasn't fooling anyone, this was more of a comfort thing, he was being friendly-not-sexy.

This was just the way he was. I had the choice to make the room for him next to me, or I suppose he would just stand. I was not going to leave him hanging there though, and gladly scooted myself over, no matter how painful the process was.

If anything it calmed me down having him laying next to me, absolutely not causing me any discomfort at all; besides the stupid metal rail poking at my side. Besides that though I was perfectly comfortable.

I did not even shy away as his arm reached over my shoulder pulling me in closer to him.

His body was warm, soft, and smelled faintly of mint toothpaste, as if he had just brushed his teeth. My body buzzed with excitement as he touched me, however innocent the touch may have been in the first place.

We were quiet no words taking place as we got comfortable, I closed my eyes content as my head laid on his chest, rising and falling to his breaths, his lips tickling slightly as they brushed the top of my head.

It took a great deal of effort not to fall asleep in such a position. It was just so natural, and felt so right.

As sleep threatened to take over the worries started to pore into my head, filling my mind.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked suddenly hesitant. I knew that his actions were not the 'angry' kind, but I was nervous none the less.

Fear clinched in my throat as I felt him shift under me, not denying anger, but not accepting it as well.

He was quiet for a moment- thoughtful even- as if really thinking what I said over. I guess in a way I was happy that he was not going to lie to me. Although, it hurt knowing that a part of him was mad at me.

"I don't know, I guess I am a little... More at the fact that you got yourself hurt, then at you-yourself, ya'know?" He said a little unsure of his comment, I could feel the uneasiness of it weighing over him.

"I am sorry, I was just doing what I thought was right, wouldn't you have done the same thing?" I asked now fearful of what I had opened up. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut... This could only end badly.

His answer came suddenly, with little thought, I was surprised at this. I would have thought he would have thought this question over more then the other one.

"The thing is Emmy, I really wish that I would have done what you did," Jasper said breathing out suddenly, even though I could not see his face I knew he was upset about something.

This did shock me. Jasper would have been the one person I would have thought would have helped.

"What? I think you are just saying that to make me feel good, you have helped me many times so far. I know you would have done something." I rebutted quickly going to his defense.

"Emmy, that is where you are wrong though; I have helped you with little things, things that would not amount to much. I can't go around and try and save everyone. I can't jump into things like that. I want to, trust me I really want to help... But, I can't. I can't help out with something that could end up hurting Cecelia. I am all she has, and if something were to happen to me because I was playing 'Knight in Shining Armour' she would be alone. And then....." His voice cut off there. Nothing else needed to be said, Cecelia would not be able to take care of herself.

We were quiet for a moment, just quiet. Letting the silence fill up the space of the room.

I wanted to move the conversation onto something that would be more wanted then the one we had going on at the moment.

"How is everyone?" I asked unsure if this would be a better conversation then the one before.

"Shaken, but people will be glad to hear you woke up." He said relaxing for a moment. The flash of uneasiness gone from him again.

"Emmy, how much do you remember of what happened?" Jasper asked suddenly shifting so that he could look at me in the eyes.

"Of what?" I asked swallowing a lump in my throat. What part of the story did he want to hear?

The part where I cried, the part where I was attacked, or after?

"I-it's not- I mean, I know what happened... Everyone does... We were afraid that you weren't going to ... We- Um, Pandora decided it would be a good idea just to have Carla tell us what happened... I trust Oracles and all, but you know how it is. Vincent really helped?" Jasper asked the last part being the only clear thing he got across.

Everyone knew? I had to wonder if Carla downplayed my crying a bit... (I can only hope)

"As unrealistic as it may sound, he did help me." I added rolling my eyes slightly.

"But he didn't save you... Do you know who did? Carla's vision became very fuzzy at that point. Through both Vincent's and your eyes." He said curiosity filling his eyes, as he bit his bottom lip; driving me crazy.

Realization hit me then, of who had really saved me.

It was impossible though, I had lost my powers because of the potion, how had she summoned herself?

"Clarrissa..." I whispered in shock and confusion.

Clarrissa had summoned herself; Clarrissa had used magic; Clarrissa had saved me- but how?

"Who?" Jasper asked giving me an odd look.

"My spirit guide, I guess... I don't know what you would call it, maybe stalker, would work better? Joking, I think she is just a relative that watches me a lot." I said wondering if Clarrissa was watching us right now.

That was kinda' creepy. At the moment I was thankful though. In my mind I thanked her quickly before allowing Jasper to take up that part of my mind.

Jasper was in the here and now, there would be time for Clarrissa later on. As of right now, I had other things on my mind.

Maybe, this was not the best, time to find myself overly attracted to Jasper? Yet, here I sat, totally in the mood for something to happen. I was not really sure what I wanted to happen. But, as I laid on his chest, with my head tilted to stare directly into those amazing green rimmed eyes I could not help myself.

It took only seconds for me to lean into him, painfully turning myself over so that I was now facing him.

If anyone were to walk into the room things would look really bad. If I didn't have the limitation of some of the tubes in my arms, then things could have looked much worse.

Grabbing a handful of his silky black hair I pulled myself closer-if even possible-to him. My chest was pressed against his, our breaths coming out fast as the air between us mingled swirling between us. His eyes looked so earnest in that moment I had little choice but to press my lips to his.

We were both hungry for this, our bodies pressed tightly to each other, one of his arms pulled around my waist the other cupping my face as our lips dipped towards each other. His lips moved with mine hard and fast at first, then slowing as we deepened the kiss enjoying each other far too much.

A fluttering in my stomach filled me with school girl pride. I loved this, I mean I really loved this.

The chemistry between us was far too good to resist. Every second that his body held onto mine was a moment that I was really happy.

God, there was a part of me that wanted to keep kissing him, to keep going and screw common sense. Even if Jasper would do something like that-which I doubt he would- I was not about to have sex in a hospital bed.

So sadly no cloths were removed. No secret places explored. Although, when his tongue did brush my lips I was happy to reply. But, that was it. Might as well not give Clarrissa too much of a show, (by now I could feel her presence.)

Sadly pulling back from him I allowed myself to roll over and rest against him yet again. Letting out a deep sigh, I closed my eyes, now totally exhausted and a little pained from moving around so much.

Jasper's arms held me close as we both drifted asleep.