Ash Over Seas

My return back to school had been nothing short of excruciating.

The awkward stares and whispers did nothing to ease my pounding heart as I had stepped through the front doors, desperately clutching my brother’s arm.

It had only been made worse when I had seen Jacob standing sullenly with his friends at their usual spot in the hallway. And Kim’s disapproving eyes only urged me forward faster as I skirted the hall around them, my cheeks burning with shame.

It had been two weeks, the date now falling midway through December, since that fateful day at the Cullens and I hadn’t spoken a word to Jacob since. Several of the pack members had tried to approach me about what was wrong, but usually gave up after I’d simply stared at my hands for a good five minutes muttering vague responses. Kim was the only one who always seemed to persevere.

“Cole, you look like shit, like you haven’t slept in weeks. Come on, I know something’s going on. Why won’t you just tell me?” she asked quietly as we pretended to do the math assignment one Monday morning.

I clenched my eyes—which had now fully changed to the deep violet I had been expecting—shut tightly and took a deep breath.

“Look, I’ve just been having bad dreams,” I said stiffly, feeling slightly better that my statement had at least some truth to it. “I haven’t been able to sleep well.”

She pursed her lips, shooting me a knowing glance under her lashes. “Ever thought about why that might be?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I muttered.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she scoffed sarcastically. “Maybe the fact that you’ve ignored Jake for the past two weeks?”

I could tell I’d cringed when she mentioned his name, only proving that he was, in fact, part of the problem. The reason why I looked about an inch from death.

My eyes were sunken and tired, with dark circles shining from under them. My black-as-night hair had lost much of its shine and my clothes were hanging looser than when I’d first come here. My once sun kissed skin was now white and lifeless. Even my attitude had muted to the point where I was almost as quiet as Atticus.

That was what really scared me.

“Don’t you see what this is doing to him?” she demanded quietly and my heart lurched painfully. I stayed motionless.

“I mean look at him. He’s nearly as bad as you are. I know for a fact he hasn’t been sleeping.”

I glanced quickly over my shoulder to see the broken boy staring emotionlessly at the board as Cammie muttered things to him—most of them to do with my subpar appearance. Every once in a while he would simply nod or shrug and continue taking his notes.

“He’ll move on,” I said quietly. “Eventually… I know he will.”

Kim sneered and glared at me. “He told you about the imprinting, Colby. If you think he’s ever going to move on then you're seriously deranged.”

“Can we please just not talk about this?” I begged softly, feeling my eyes pooling slightly with the tears I refused to shed.

“Fine, suit yourself,” she sighed, a slight twinge of annoyance coloring her tone.

I turned back to my paper, desperately trying to ignore the conversation that was taking place behind me.

“She’s really let herself go,” Cammie’s not-so-sympathetic voice murmured. If it weren’t for my enhanced hearing, I never would have noticed.

“I mean, she used to be really pretty but now… she looks like a zombie or something. I don’t think many guys would want to date a zombie,” she added, laughing softly at the ‘witty’ remark she’d come up with.

My heart dropped slightly as I realized she was right. It wasn’t like I needed to be pretty here or anything, and maybe it would help Jake realize I wasn’t for him, but it still didn’t feel good to have it pointed out to you that you looked like shit.

“I almost feel bad for her,” Cammie sighed dramatically. “I wonder what happened.”

“Don’t we all.” Jacob’s low, husky growl caught me off guard and seemed to lash out at my heart, slicing open a fresh wound as the sound resounded in my ears.

I’m sorry, I wanted to say as I practically felt his pain radiating toward me, but my lungs seemed frozen and my mouth glued shut as I continued to aimlessly scribble the problems across my paper.

Lunch had been a source of many uncomfortable feelings over the past two weeks and, as I slipped into the lunchroom once again, I took my usual seat in the far corner with Atticus. I longingly watched all the normal kids milling around their tables, laughing and chatting about the latest gossip and plans for the weekend.

“You're eating today,” Atticus pointed out as he slid in next to me.

I nodded vaguely, not taking my blank stare off the crowds around me. I swallowed the bite of sandwich I’d taken, though I couldn’t have even told you what kind it was. Taste was lost on me.

“I feel… okay today. At least my appetite is fine….”

I glanced at him under my lashes and noticed the ghost of a hopeful smile hovering on his features as he picked at his pizza.

My gaze subconsciously roamed over to the pack’s table and I was almost tempted to take back my statement as a wave of nausea rolled over my stomach. It had been the same every day, but it never got easier to watch Cammie hang herself over Jacob as she filled my spot at the table. But I suppose I really had no right to tell her what to do; it’s not like I had taken any claim over him now.

I watched discreetly as they murmured quiet conversations, too low for me to hear and causing me to wonder what they could be talking about. Was he finally moving on like I had told him to? At that moment, Quil seemed to glance up and catch my stare. I quickly redirected it, but not before I noticed the distinctly pained expression he wore. I realized then that this wasn’t only affecting Jake and I, but the rest of the pack as well.

My guilt tripled in strength.

I was only too thankful when the dismissal bell finally rang and I scurried off to gym, alone once again. I pushed my way through the crowds of the hallway, finally reaching the link to the gymnasium and breaking free from the throng.

My footsteps slowed to a halt as I noticed a pair of people leaning against the wall across from the girls’ stairs and a cold sensation crept through my bones. As I said before, I had no right to feel this much jealousy as I watched Cammie, now running her fingers flirtatiously along Jake’s arm, but I did. I watched as she shot him one more dazzling smile, lightly brushing his cheek with her hand before bouncing off to the locker rooms, leaving him to stare blankly at the floor in front of him.

I took a deep breath, trying to convince my mind that it was fine and that as long as Jake was relatively happy, that would be good enough for me. It’s not like I’d have to deal with it much longer anyway.

It was with that bitter thought that a wry smile twisted my lips and I pushed my way forward toward the stairs. My sudden movement must have caught Jake’s notice because his eyes darted to me, realizing that I’d seen the whole exchange. His eyes grew wide as alarm flickered across them and he opened his mouth to speak.

“Colby—“

My body froze in shock from hearing him speak to me for the first time in two weeks. My widened eyes whipped to him as he pleaded with me.

“You're… talking to me.” It seemed more of a question than a statement.

“I can’t just ignore you… look, I know what you're thinking,” he said as he rushed several steps toward me. “It doesn’t mean anything, really, I promise—“

“It’s fine, Jake,” I forced myself to say as I stared him firmly in the eyes. “I told you to move on…. You… you should go for it.”

“But I don’t—“

“Jake, please,” I whispered firmly. “Don’t do this to me.”

“Do this to you?” he asked incredulously, his voice filled with hurt. “Do you have any idea what this is doing to me?”

“This will make it easier in the long run. I’m… leaving… soon anyway. It’s better for you to start moving on now.”

“Leaving? What are you talking about?”

“Well, I’m going to have to go to university, Jake.”

“But you said you were staying here in America. It would work, I could visit—“

“I’m going back to London, Jake,” I lied smoothly, looking away as his expression fell.

“But you said—“

“Things change.”

“You wouldn’t stay… for me?” he whispered, his voice laced with a tiny hope.

“Jake,” I said sadly. “I wish I could… but I don’t really have a choice in the matter.”

“You always have a choice!” he argued. “Please, even if you do leave, we could make it work. Couldn’t we at least be together until you leave? That’s nearly a year away!”

“That will only make it harder when the time comes,” I murmured.

“This is hard.”

“Look, I really have to get changed for class. I’m sorry, Jake, I’ll see you later,” I breathed as I quickly hurried away before he could answer.

I changed as fast as possible, ignoring Cammie’s clear smirk as I rummaged through my locker. Upon reaching the gym, I approached the instructor, flashing him a note from Carlisle and easily gaining permission to use the weight room for the entire block. Away from the wandering and curious eyes of my classmates.

My slacking off continued through the next block as I skipped my Study session, opting to wander the grounds for an hour before I was forced to return for History. It had been my worst class lately and I often felt.

I sighed, casting my eyes downward and hiking my bag higher on my shoulder as I entered the warm heated hallways once more. I kept my gaze locked on my shoes as I shuffled through the hallways.

I was nearly to the classroom and hadn’t encountered any distractions. I should have known better than to expect a scotch free trip.

“Hey.”

I nearly stumbled backward as a voice startled me from my contemplation. I felt a warm pair of hands steadying my shoulders and my violet eyes glanced up at the kind and worried face of Embry Call.

“Um… hey,” I said awkwardly, already looking for ways out of conversation.

“Look, um, are you okay?” he asked sincerely. “I know everyone’s been asking you that lately but we’re all really worried. I mean… well… you’ve seen how it’s been,” he murmured.

“I… I know, Embry and I’m really sorry for causing you so many problems,” I said, trying to convey as much sincerity as possible through my eyes.

“Can you at least… I don’t know, tell me why you won’t let Jake in? No one’s really gotten a straight answer from you.”

He had pity in his eyes already and I knew that telling him was only going to make it worse so I just shook my head sadly. “I’m sorry, Embry,” I whispered. “I can’t do that.”

“But—“

“I really have to get to class,” I said, mentally noting that this was the second time I’d used that excuse today. I really was a coward.

Shame bubbled in my stomach as I turned on my heel and strode into the classroom, taking my usual seat next to Jake, unsure of whether our silence would continue on again or not.

I felt all eyes on me as I walked down the rows of desks. That was the downfall of attending a small school—everyone knew everything about everyone. And gossip spread like wildfire.

Jacob’s eyes burned holes in my side every time he glanced over me, which happened frequently throughout the entire class. But consistent with the weeks previous, he neglected to say a word as Giovanangelli prattled on at the board.

I felt my sandwich from lunch churning in my stomach as the scratch of pencils and glances from classmates frayed my nerves. I felt like a criminal in hiding, about to be found out by the authorities. I was paranoid and uncomfortable.

When the last bell of the day finally rang, my fingers stopped tapping at the desk and worked swiftly to pile everything in my bag as I rushed out the door and into the parking lot, thankful to see Atticus already waiting at the car.