Ash Over Seas

I tore down the stairs of the locker room, desperate to leave Jacob’s broken stare as far behind me as possible.

I threw my body into the door of the bathroom as I fell across the threshold and my legs carried me into the first stall I set eyes on. Luckily, the room was deserted and as I slammed the door behind me, it echoed through the tiny space like angry rolling waves.

The cold metal of the stall frame felt harsh along my back as I crumpled against it and shivered slightly. My breathing was unsteady and my cheeks were tracked with thin watermarks down to my jaw line.

“Fuck,” I gasped as my knees buckled and I felt my stomach churn violently. I inhaled sharply, holding the breath in my lungs as I clenched my eyes shut and willed the nausea to pass.

When it finally did, I exhaled a long breath, slumping my frame down onto the closed toilet seat and letting my weary head fall into my hands. My ebony hair pooled around my knees as the checkered tiles of the bathroom floor glared at me.

Why did I keep doing this to myself? Was I some sort of sick masochist or something?

If what Kim had told me was true, deep down I knew that Jake would never move on, and that it would be just as hard for him when I passed even if I did distance myself now.

I knew this and yet still I pushed him away. So what was I afraid of?

His reaction, I decided. Seeing his face crumple in anguish when I told him I may not even be around to graduate next to him, let alone marry him someday. I didn’t want to crush his dreams of a real life together.

But would it really be that different than the look I see in his eyes every time I tell him it can’t be? And would it really be that much better if I just died one day and left him without even a goodbye or a last word?

No. It wouldn’t.

It would be worse.

So wouldn’t the right thing be to stay with him now and prepare him for the moment that it happened? To let him know that I would always love him and that he would be okay after I was gone?

My shaking limbs grew unsteadier still, this time with adrenaline as I pictured the moment of my surrender in my mind.

I wondered how he would react to my sudden change of heart. I wondered if I was even strong enough to alter my stubborn ways—to admit that I was wrong and ask for him back.

I didn’t deserve him. That much was certain.

I finally pulled myself together, feeling more optimistic than I had in months and stepped from the stall. I took a deep breath, washing my hands quickly and heading for Study, a small smile on my face, genuine for the first time in ages.

The feeling was foreign on my skin.

“Well look at you,” Penny grinned happily as I slid in across from her and Seth, noticing the addition of two new boys at the table.

“Hey,” I breathed quietly, biting my lip to hide the soft smile breaking through.

“What’s up with you?” Seth grinned skeptically. “This is Collin and Brady, by the way,” he added, motioning to the two. “They're freshmen, so you don’t need to talk to them if you don’t want to.”

“Hey!” Brady scoffed defensively.

“Yeah, man, you were one last year!” Collin added.

“Whatever,” Seth rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Anyway, Woodbury, wanna tell us why you look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth?” he added with a smirk.

“I do not,” I said quietly, my cheeks flushing slightly.

“Maybe a mini hanger,” he winked, sliding an arm around his imprint, who grinned and leaned into him comfortably. “So what’s up?”

“Well… I….” I bit my lip and glanced between the two several times, unsure of what my eyes were conveying but I suddenly felt too shy voicing it out loud. Clearly he gathered enough because his eyes lit up and he lurched forward in his seat.

“No way,” he breathed. “You did it? You're like… really?”

“Well, not exactly,” I murmured. “I kind of just decided I might… I’m still not sure if it’s the right thing to do, though,” I added quietly.

“Oh, you and Jake, right?” Collin piped up, smirking deviously.

“How did you…?”

“He’s with me,” Seth said, throwing me a meaningful look. “They both are.”

“Wouldn’t matter anyway,” Brady muttered with a smile. “The whole school knows about you two.”

“Oh… great. Well, um, yeah I guess.”

“Lucky bastard,” Collin joked, snapping his fingers for effect and I chuckled.

“Well aren’t you a piece of work?” I mused, earning an appreciative grin from the freshman boy.

“Well, I’ve got to say it’s about time—hey, speak of the devil!” Seth cheered quietly as he pointed over to the front room, where Jake could be seen behind the library door.

As soon as I saw him, my limbs immediately began quaking again and I hid behind my wall of hair, too nervous now to even look at him.

“Jeeze, Woodbury, grow a pair!” Seth teased with a grin. “You're giving the UK a bad rap.”

I glared playfully and ran my shaking fingers lightly through my hair, as I quietly laughed, almost drunk with nerves. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Jake disappear behind the shelves and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Man, you’ve got it bad.”

“Oh, shut up,” I muttered.

“Yeah, man, just do it,” Collin added. “I swear this has been the longest anticipation ever.”

“Shove off,” I urged slapping my hands down lightly on the table.

“Pffff, you Brits are so dramatic,” Collin scoffed and I glared.

“Maybe if we bring her tea and crumpets she’ll calm down,” Brady shrugged, grinning evilly.

“Yeah, don’t they eat those like every meal?”

I rolled my eyes. “You Americans are the most stereotyping people I have ever met.”

“Whatever; saves space in the brain!” Brady declared proudly.

“I don’t think you need any more space in your brains. You've all got the lowest IQ’s of any major country. Your school systems are fluff,” I mocked.

“Hey, man, I'm smart!” Collin argued, furrowing his brows angrily.

I smirked, shrugging my shoulders as I leaned back casually in my chair. “Not the way I hear it. Some guy just published an article not too long ago about how—for all that they claim to be the best—American school systems are the piss.”

“Well excuse me,” Seth mocked good-naturedly. “At least we don’t force our children into a career path at the age of 6.”

“I think you're referring to China.”

“Whatever, man, we’re still the second smartest country next to them I bet.”

“You wanna bet?” I raised my brows in challenge and the two freshmans’ eyes twinkled excitedly.

“You're on!” Brady declared.

“All right. Fine. I’ll get the article and I’ll prove to you that America does not have the second highest IQ next to China,” I clarified and they nodded eagerly. “Okay, and if I win… you both have to come into my lunch and give Paul a big kiss on the cheek,” I grinned as I pictured the large boys reaction. It was going to be great.

“Ugh, fine. Deal,” Collin rolled his eyes. “But if we win, you have to pretend to be my girlfriend for a day!”

“What?” I demanded, my voice raising an octave.

“Hey, a deal’s a deal,” Collin shrugged and I sighed loudly, offering forth my hand as we sealed it off and I pushed back from the table.

“Don’t make me wait too long,” Collin called in a mock-suave tone.

I just rolled my eyes and sauntered off to find the article, muttering to myself as I wove through the shelves and past rows and rows of literature, looking for the periodicals section.

“Where the bloody hell is this thing?” I muttered as I strolled along the ends of the aisles, searching the labels for any indication that I was in the right spot and cursing the Dewey Decimal System.

My feet, carrying me along without a second thought, faltered abruptly as my peripheral vision noticed two figures off to my right engaged in something that definitely was not studying. I frowned, curious to see who was so eagerly violating library policy, though as my stomach swiftly dropped through the floorboards, I began to wish I hadn’t.

As my head turned, my eyes locked on the pair and my mouth fell into a soft ‘o’ as the muscles in my jaw forgot how to function. Because there, locked in a passionate embrace, were Jacob Black and Cammie Thistle…. And he didn’t look like he minded one bit.

My breath was frozen in my lungs and I couldn’t force myself to utter a sound as my world began falling to pieces around me.

I had told him to move on. I had urged him so many times to get over me and now I could see that he finally had. Or maybe he never cared that much in the first place—perhaps imprinting was just some fabricated story to win me over, and now that I’d rejected it, he was moving onto the next. Maybe he told her the same thing.

But he had told me he would never move on. Jake had never seemed to be the dishonest type, he had always seemed so genuine and compassionate… yet here he was, after all he’d promised me, attached at the mouth to the girl that’d been working him over for months. A girl that he’d repeatedly told me meant nothing to him. My fists clenched at my sides as angry tears pooled in my eyes and I ripped my gaze away from the two new lovers.

I tore through the aisles, the only things on my mind being the fact that I needed to get the hell out of there, and the worry that my stomach was about to force itself out through my throat.

Without a second look back, I flew from the library, quickly making it back to the bathroom as I fell to my knees in front of the toilet, ignoring the bewildered gazes of several juniors that were applying makeup at the mirror.

My stomach heaved and emptied a small amount of its contents into the bowl as I heard the girls’ squeal and rush from the room like it were on fire.

My whole body shook from the convulsion and I clutched desperately to the bowl as my stomach heaved several times more. Carlisle would not be happy with this.

Finally, I felt able to stand and pushed myself up, flushing the handle behind me. I stumbled out to the sinks, rinsing my mouth quickly to wash out the horrid taste as I glanced at myself in the mirrors. There were tracks of water trailing down my hollow cheeks, my hair was rumpled and messy and my clothes were askew on my frame. I quickly adjusted them and headed out to the hallway, intent on leaving as soon as possible.

My wobbling legs carried me quickly out to the parking lot of the school and, realizing I had no way home, I pulled out my cell, quickly dialing in a cab and slumping down onto the curb.

Twenty minutes later and I was in the back of the bright yellow car, speeding along the roads of Forks as I headed for home. I was thankful the man hadn’t asked questions about my cutting class, probably because I looked so terrible, and had just told me to climb in the back. When we finally pulled up, I thanked the cabbie profusely and threw him a fifty, declaring I didn’t need change as I lurched into the house, thankful that my father’s car was nowhere in sight.

Though I knew it was entirely my fault for pushing Jake to move on, I couldn’t help but feel angry that he had done it so quickly after what he’d told me in the locker room today. It was merely hours ago that he’d claimed he’d always love me, and yet there he was kissing someone else before the next block had even passed.

Another tremor ripped through my body as I heaved dry air, my stomach already emptied of anything I’d eaten earlier. I choked out a sob, miserable both for the fact that I was being physically sick, and for the fact that I had lost any chance of happiness with Jake.

It was only now that I realized how truly devastated I would be without him—how much I needed him.

Well don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.

I hadn’t realized just how much I couldn’t live without him.

How much I didn’t want to live without him.

I couldn’t tell how much time had passed while I lay curled up on the floor, too tired and careless to pull myself into my room at the end of the hallway. Eventually I heard the sound of a door slamming downstairs, and Atticus’s furious voice calling my name throughout the house.

I groaned slightly, hoping his ears would pick it up and I was rewarded as I heard his footsteps thundering up the stairs.

“Colby, what the fuck were you thinking?” he hissed as he burst through the door, dropping to his knees next to me as he pulled me upright. “You can’t just fucking leave school without telling me! I had no idea where you were!” he scolded, pulling me in as my head fell against his chest and his warm arms held me steady.

“I’m sorry, Attie,” I murmured, tears of guilt welling up in my eyes as I draped my arm around him in a halfhearted hug. “I’m so sorry.”

I could feel his stiff muscles relax slightly as he sighed and lifted me into his arms. He carried me smoothly down into the living room, not jostling me in the least as his perfect form slid down the stairs. He laid me across the couch and I curled up comfortably, laying my head on the pillow in his lap as the TV rambled on about some string of killings in northern Canada. I felt a blanket being pulled over my frame and shivered slightly from the new warmth.

“Next time you leave school, find me or call me. I don’t want you going alone,” Atticus ordered softly and I nodded, smiling weakly as I felt his warm hand resting on my upper arm.

“Thanks, Attie,” I murmured. “For everything.”