Ash Over Seas

I was in the forest again. It was winter now, and the large snowflakes catching in the trees made the branches look like crystals in the moonlight. Still, the cold cut straight to my bones and a shiver rippled over my skin.

My hands reached up to my arms, rubbing along them lightly to warm myself as I gently got to my feet.

I stood in the clearing, my breath fogging in small clouds before me, as my eyes searched for any sign of life, but I found none. The forest was absolutely silent.

I took a cautious step forward and the branch that snapped beneath my foot was mirrored by another somewhere off to my right. I froze, staring ahead in the direction it had come as I waited patiently, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck prickling in anticipation.

The forest’s scent wafted around me, mingling with the clean aroma of the snowfall as a doe stepped gracefully into view.

A light gasp escaped my lips as its chocolate eyes met with mine.

“You're not…” I breathed in awe as it continued its slow approach, seeming to be as strong and beautiful as it had always been. My eyes roamed over its neck, seeing no sign of tears or damage. There was only silky brown fur, speckled with the melting snowflakes that continued to drift lazily through the branches.

To my surprise, the doe tilted her head, still approaching me with warm, friendly eyes and my fingers itched to trail through the fur rippling softly along her back.

The creature’s hooves stopped padding as she came to rest several feet from where I was standing and watched me with curious eyes, as if waiting for me to approach the last distance.

I smiled, gracefully taking several steps forward, the cold completely forgotten, as I slowly lifted my hand and stretched it forward. The doe bent her head in a low bow, awaiting my touch and my heart leapt with anticipation.

“Somebody get the nurse in here!”

“How long has she been out?”

“Get out of the fucking way!”

Disoriented voices rang around me, as I was abruptly jolted from my dream.

I groaned slightly and my eyes fluttered open to find a group of faces staring down at me, the most prominent being that of Jacob Black, who was knelt on the floor beside me and currently checking my pulse as his eyes searched my face.

My heart clenched as Kim’s story flashed through my mind again.

“Colby, are you okay?” he breathed in panic as the gym door swung open and Nurse Avery strode in purposefully. Her short, auburn ringlets bounced in her wake, and her stout frame easily crossed the gap to where the students were huddled, despite her rather short legs.

I didn’t have a chance to speak before the small woman was dutifully pushing her way through the crowd and bending down next to me as she swatted Jake away. Her green eyes strict but softened slightly as she turned to me.

Several arms pulled me into a sitting position and leaned me gently against the concrete wall of the gym as I felt a cool hand brush against my forehead. Despite my recent drop in temperature, it was still higher than normal, and an indignant scoff rolled off the woman’s tongue as she shook her head in disapproval.

“My goodness child, you're burning up!” she scolded, as her hand continued to pat around my cheeks. “Why on earth were you even playing?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled as my forehead crinkled and I closed my eyes again, leaning my heavy head against the wall as the room spun a little.

“Well I think it’s safe to say you're done for the day. I’m calling your home and having someone come get you,” she said promptly, giving a short nod to Wilson, who looked rather unsure of himself and was likely just ready for me to be out of there.

“What? No…” I groaned in protest. I really didn’t want my father hearing about this; even though it was likely he would get a letter home from the school anyway.

“I’ll bring her.”

My eyes shot open as Jake firmly stepped forward, ignoring Avery’s skeptical look as he bent to kneel in front of me again, folding his large frame gracefully as his charcoal eyes roamed my face and made my stomach squirm.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Mr. Black,” Avery said curtly as she shook her head, causing her ringlets to bounce with the movement.

“It’ll get her home faster,” he nearly growled as he turned to shoot her an assertive look. “It’s really no problem.”

Avery eyed him for a moment more, clearly skeptical, and then turned to me for assurance.

“Miss Woodbury…?”

I glanced at Jake’s face and could tell that no matter what I replied, he would be taking me home anyway, so I just nodded softly.

“It’s fine,” I said quietly.

Avery pursed her lips—clearly displeased at being contradicted—and motioned for Jake to help me up, instructing him to drive me straight home and informing him promptly that he would be excused from the rest of today’s classes.

Jake nodded politely and bent once more to gently help me to my feet as the class awkwardly scattered back into their positions, still chattering amongst themselves. I allowed the tall boy to wrap his arm behind my back, holding my hand in his as he draped my arm over his shoulders. Wilson’s whistle blew in the distance and the sound of sneakers scuffing on the waxed floors told me that the game had begun again.

“You don’t have to do this,” I muttered, still slightly disoriented as we stepped out into the frigid parking lot. The snow was falling heavily now, and if I had been more conscious, I would have marveled at its beauty.

“Shut up, Colby,” Jacob growled firmly, staring straight ahead as he supported my weight, pulling me so far onto his shoulders that my feet were barely touching the ground. I closed my mouth obediently, withering under his sharp command.

He helped me into the passenger seat of his Rabbit, easily buckling the belt across my waist before climbing in on his side and revving the engine to life.

The tiny red car sped down the icy roads of La Push, but his careful maneuvering, along with my scrambled senses, kept me at complete ease, while the warmth radiating from his skin kept me from shivering.

It wasn’t until about ten minutes into our drive that I realized we weren’t on the road we were supposed to be.

“Jake, where are you going? I need to go home,” I muttered as I pushed myself from my slumped position in the seat. Looking out the window, I noticed we were just past First Beach.

“I’m not taking you home,” said the boy and I turned to him in surprise.

“So you're kidnapping me?” I asked as a soft sigh fell from my lips.

The corner of his mouth hitched into a crooked smile that made my heart flutter involuntarily and I quickly looked back out the window.

“Call it whatever you want.”

“Well… where are you taking me?” I asked as I traced a small design in the fog my breath had created on the window.

Although he remained silent, several minutes later the car turned right, pulling swiftly into a driveway that I easily recognized, though I hadn’t been there in months.

“Why are you taking me here?” I asked quietly as he helped me from the car, supporting me through the rapidly accumulating snow as we stepped across the threshold and into his living room.

“How else am I ever going to get to spend more than five minutes with you?” he replied bluntly and I felt a stab of guilt, both because I had been avoiding him, and because he had no idea that I might be gone for good in less time that he thought. Being the coward I was, I was beginning to think twice about Kim’s suggestion, knowing there was no way in hell I could tell him everything. I knew I would fall back to the old, faithful route of avoidance.

I kept my mouth shut as he led me into the comfortable sitting room to our left and placed me carefully onto the couch.

“Tea or anything?” he offered brusquely as he stood back up and handed me a worn, red fleece blanket.

“Sure,” I murmured awkwardly as I wrapped the fabric around my shoulders and huddled into it. I realized there wasn’t much of a heating system in this house, but I supposed Jacob didn’t really need it—when he was home he probably warmed it enough by himself for Billy to be comfortable in any season.

Jacob wandered off into the kitchen and I heard him fiddling around for several minutes before he returned with two steaming mugs of amber liquid. He handed one to me and I grasped it between my palms, grateful for the warmth it gave off as my eyes drifted to the snowfall outside. He folded himself easily into an armchair to the left of the couch as we both sipped our drinks.

It was silent for several awkward minutes, neither of us sure of what to say, until Jacob finally placed his empty mug down on the table and turned to me.

“Okay. Talk,” he commanded with a calm authority and I brought my eyes to his, frowning slightly.

“What?”

“I want legitimate answers this time,” he stated as his eyes held mine in place. “You can’t run out of the room on me here. Whatever it is that you're hiding, whatever reason you have for avoiding me, I want you to just spit it out and tell me.”

My spirits dropped but deep down I had been expecting this from the moment I’d stepped foot in his car, and sighed softly as my tongue tripped over my usual escape route.

“Jake, I don—“

“We’re going to do this again?” he cut me off harshly, already anticipating my answer from the look on my face. “Really? This is how you're going to be?”

His temper had always been rather short, but it shocked me that I could upset him so greatly after only having said a mere 2 and a half words to him. I brought my eyes downward, fiddling awkwardly with the blanket that seemed to be the only thing holding me together. I toyed with the worn edges as my voice drifted out in a soft whimper.

“Jacob, you don’t—I told you I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what, Colby?” he demanded expertly, maneuvering around all of my previously stated excuses. We had had this argument too many times before and he knew where I was going with it before I even spoke. “You keep running away but you won’t ever tell me what you're running from,” he urged.

“I can’t tell you… it’s too… I can’t hurt you like that.”

He groaned loudly and raked his hands through his ebony hair as his foot began to tap maniacally on the wooden floorboards, causing his knee to bounce up and down along with it.

“Hurt me like what? I mean honestly, is it something you’ve done? Something about what you are? Colby, whatever it is, I’m always going to love you. You know that!”

“I know, Jake. That’s what makes it so hard.”

“Please, Colby, let me be here for you!” he pleaded as his fist clenched in distress. “I was made to be here for you!”

“Jake—“

“Please, I just don’t understand!” he interrupted, his eyes burning with intensity as they bored into mine. He abruptly stood to his feet as he began to pace to and fro across the floor, his bare soles making a soft tapping sound against the wood.

“You kissed me. Right there”—he turned and motioned with one arm to where I was sitting on the couch—“three months ago you kissed me, and everything was fine. And now you're always avoiding me and telling me all these weird, cryptic things… what am I supposed to do with that?”

His hands were trembling lightly and he shoved them into his jean pockets as soon as he noticed me glance at them.

“I… I don’t know…” I murmured in shame as I stared down at the mug in my hands, wondering if it might be possible to drown myself in my tea. My temperature had cooled it now so that steam was no longer billowing from the rim. It held no more comfort, looking as flat and lifeless as I felt, and I hastily placed it on the table next to Jake’s.

“I mean how can you just go from that to just… just cutting me out of your life! I don’t even know what I did!”

I cringed visibly at the tone of his voice as it sheared through me like a switchblade.

“It’s nothing you did, Jacob,” I whispered, my eyes stinging as I stared determinedly at the empty black screen of the television across the room. “It’s nothing anybody did; it’s nothing anybody could control.”

“What are you talking about?” His foot was now tapping again and the sound of it resonated in my brain, bouncing off the walls of my consciousness and scrambling my thoughts into nothing more than a loud buzzing.

I shook my head, clenching my eyes shut as water threatened to spill over rims and he took several steps toward me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered pathetically. “I’m so sorry.”

The pain in my chest throbbed uncontrollably and I feared it might explode as I wrapped my arms around myself, praying for it to stop, even though I knew it wouldn’t.

“Sorry for what?” he pleaded as I felt him shift closer, sitting back into his chair, and the throbbing escalated. “You can tell me anything, Colby, please… let me help.”

My head continued to shake and I felt the vibrations through the floor as his fist came down hard on the wooden table between us.

“Damnit, Colby!” he demanded through his teeth, his strong voice wavering slightly as his eyes glared at me. “What is it going to take for you to trust me?”

I took a steady breath, feeling a slight roll in my stomach as the stress continued to ravage my body from the inside out.

“I… I do trust you, Jake,” I murmured as I fought back a sob. I pushed myself from the couch, my blanket slowly unraveling around me until it fell to my ankles. I moved to stand by the window, seeking comfort in the eerie winter scenery but there was none to be found. It was simply a beautiful, deathly landscape that stretched out before my eyes, cold and barren.

My head fell into my hands and I gripped it tightly. The throbbing had spread throughout my body now and I felt as if my entire being would combust into flames at any moment. My hands were beginning to shake and I knew deep down I couldn’t take being there much longer.

“No, you don’t! You don’t trust me because if you did then you would tell me what it is that’s going on with you! If you cared about me in the slightest then you would fucking just let me in!” he accused.

My fists clenched at my sides and I whirled to face him angrily, my hair fanning out around me like daggers before lightly falling back onto my shoulders.

“Excuse me?” I demanded, my jaw quivering with indignation as I allowed the tears to flow freely down my face. “You do not get to accuse me of not caring! Because if you cared about me at all then you wouldn’t be making out with Cammie Thistle in the bloody library right after proclaiming your ‘undying’ love for me!” I fired back and watched as his face dropped to a mask of shock and regret.

“You….”

“Yeah, I know,” I spat venomously. “I saw.”

“Colby, please, you don’t understand,” he pleaded as he took a step forward, holding his hands up defensively.

“Don’t understand what?” I bit. “Because from what I gather, she was kissing you, and you were kissing her back. Or am I wrong?”

“Well, no, but—“

“But, what?”

“Fuck, will you listen to yourself?” he roared, causing me to halt in my place from shock and stare up at him. “Look, she kissed me and I didn’t want to. I wanted nothing to do with kissing her, but then I”—his face softened, and his eyes tightened in pain—“I remembered you saying you wanted me to move on… you wanted me to try… So I did, I’ll admit it,” he confessed, his anger crumbling as regret surged through his words. “I tried but there was nothing, I swear on my life. If anything, it only made it worse. I couldn’t even sleep because I felt so fucking shitty! Colby, I would to anything for you.”

My anger immediately dissipated at his words and I whimpered quietly, leaving us standing there, breathing heavily as our eyes stayed locked on each other’s.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” I whispered, shaking my head as my fingers twisted together in front of me.

“Tell me what you're hiding,” he whispered pleadingly. “Please….”

My mouth opened and closed several times but the only sound that came out was another pathetic whimper as I hung my head and turned to the window once more.

“Colby, I don’t care what it takes!” he threatened desperately, advancing on my shaking form. “I’ll keep you here all night if I have to.”

“My father—“

“Will have to fucking deal with me first!”

My stomach lurched. “Jake—“

“Just tell me!”

A shiver ripped through my bones. “Jake, you can’t—“

“Colby!”

My head spun blurrily and I grappled for balance against the wall. “Please—“

“Tell me!”

I broke.

“I’M DYING, OKAY?” I shouted furiously as I whipped around to face him, my eyes burning with intensity. He stood, frozen in place as my words cut through to his core, lashing across his chest like a whip and his face crumpled.

My fierce façade immediately fell to pieces and a strangled sob broke free from my lips.

“You… you what?” he breathed, his eyes searching my face desperately.

“I...," I fumbled slightly over my words. "I’m sick… Carlisle can’t figure out what it is and I’m dying, Jake. I don’t know how long I have,” I whispered, unable to look at him.

“Colby…” his voice was rough; huskier than I’d ever heard it and I let out another cry.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I whispered as my head fell into my hands, gripping it desperately. “I’m sorry… so sorry, I’m so, so, sor—“

I stumbled backward in surprise as I felt a smoldering pair of lips crashing down onto my own. Jake’s arms quickly wrapped behind my back, steadying me as he pulled me tightly against his chest. I could feel my tears rubbing off onto his burning skin as my brain disconnected and my lips gave in to his, surrendering to the feelings I had been burying for months.

His right hand moved to cradle the back of my neck, while his left slipped under the fabric at the small of my back, warming the skin there as his heated touch sent a shiver up my spine.

After a minute, my senses seemed to resurface and I realized what was going on.

“Wait, Jake,” I breathed as I lightly pushed away from him, feeling his heart racing beneath my palms. His arms remained around me, keeping me locked in place as if I might disappear at any moment. He let me lean just far enough away so that I could see his face, while his nose still hovered inches from mine, his warm breath fanning over my face and making me slightly dizzy.

“Don’t,” he urged, placing his thumb over my mouth before tracing it along the outline of my lower lip.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I asked, my violet eyes pouring out all of my guilt and uncertainty for him to see. “I could be gone at any moment… I don’t—“

“Colby.” Jacob’s voice was gentle, but firm and filled with authority, and his chocolate eyes smoldered like fire as he peered down at me.

“Just shut up and be selfish for once,” he breathed as he captured my lips in a soft kiss.

I didn’t need any more assurance. I couldn’t have turned back now even if I’d wanted to—his lips were intoxicating and I wound my fingers into his soft hair as I reached to pull them closer to me, molding them against my own greedily. His warm breath filled my mouth and left a lingering taste of spices, as his tongue glided along my lower lip, asking for entrance.

I inhaled deeply, savoring his scent as I complied and allowed his tongue to dance with mine as we gripped each other closely, my heart beating out of my chest.

Eventually, his kisses tapered off and he lingered to place small butterfly kisses over my lips, cheeks and nose. He stepped back, bringing me with him, and folded himself gracefully onto the couch, pulling me easily into his arms while cradling me against his chest.

I stared up at him, chewing my lip gently.

“Are you sure?” I breathed once more as my fingers reached to brush along his face, memorizing every inch of his russet skin. His eyes closed slowly as he leaned into my touch.

When he opened them again, the strength of his gaze swept the breath from my lungs and a soft smile pulled at the corner of his mouth.

“Colby, I love you more than anything in this entire world,” he breathed as his hand slid through my dark hair.

“I… I know you say you don’t have much time,” he continued in a whisper. Fear and worry laced his words as his eyes dropped down to watch his fingers toy with mine. “But we’ll work something out, I know we will. And… and even if we don’t,” he pressed on, “then at least I will still have these memories of you to hold onto for the rest of my existence. I know now that you're just worried about me, but please, I just want to be with you while I can.”

My stomach filled with a squirming warmth as I gazed at his face, which was still focused on our entwined fingers.

I gently took my hand from his, turning his head toward mine as I pulled him into a soft, deep kiss, pouring all of my emotions into it to assure him that I was here.

To assure him that for the rest of my life, I would always be right here next to him, no matter what.

“I’ll always love you, Jake,” I murmured against his lips.