Break Apart My Heart

The next days were depressing, and filled with tears. I hadn’t told anyone, but Brian must have. Whenever I saw any of the guys, they’d shoot me a sad smile, or avoid eye contact all together. My mother had to pack my things for me; every time I tried I would start to cry. Brian moped around the house, and my father was nowhere to be found. I mean, my mother probably knows where he is, but I haven’t seen him since their fight. I started to wonder if he would even say goodbye to me.

Today was my last day of school. Technically I wouldn’t miss any days, because all the schools in California had this week off for Winter Break. My teacher made a card and had everyone sign, people who, probably 10 years from now, I’ll have no memories of whatsoever. I didn’t care about these people, and they didn’t care about me, so the card was pointless. I thanked everyone regardless. Amy didn’t sign; she made me her own card. Inside she hid a friendship necklace, the ones that came in packs of two. I had half of a heart that said Best, and she had the other half that said Friends. As different as we are, I don’t know how I’m going to manage without that girl. Especially living with my grandmother…

Gram and Grandpa are old and mean, nothing like Ma and Pop, Dad’s parents. Every time they’ve ever visited was awful. They would pick apart the way Brian and I dressed, and Dad’s job, and our house. They hated everything, pretty much. They were the type of people where nothing was ever good enough, including my mother. Which brings me to my next question, why the hell are we moving in with them?

The worst of it was yet to come; I still had to say goodbye to the rest of The Sanders clan. We leave tonight for the 6 hour car ride to Sacramento. I had asked my mother why we couldn’t leave in the morning, considering it’s dangerous to drive all that way at night, but she waved me off. She probably figured I was trying to buy myself some time, and to be honest, I was.

“You know if you ever want to come visit, you can.” Gary said for the hundredth time.
I smiled sadly. “I know.”
“And don’t forget to call, and write.” Kim added, whipping her eyes. Kim was like the mother I always wished I had, instead of my own, and she knew it. I told her quite often.
I nodded. “I promise, I will.”

They both hugged me one last time before I went up to Amy’s room.

“I leave in an hour or so…” I trailed, avoiding eye contact.
She sighed. “Well, it’s not like you’re moving to New Jersey or something. We’re not that far away.”
“Far enough.” I muttered.
She wrapped her arms around me. “Nothing’s gonna change, except us seeing each other everyday.”
“What am I gonna do without you guys everyday?” I sniffed.
“I’ll call you everyday and we can tell each other what we did, and it’ll be just like we were there.” Her voice cracked.

Hearing her voice made my voice go, and soon we both were standing in her room in hysterics. As much as we say nothing will change, everything is about to change. She’ll make new friends, and replace me. She’s always been good at making friends. I, on the other hand, will probably be a loner for the rest of my life.

“Did you talk to you’re dad?” She asked, whipping her eyes once we stopped crying.
I shook my head. “I don’t think he’s going to say goodbye.”
She frowned. “I’m sorry, Nikki. But hey, we’ll see each other whenever you visit for holidays and stuff, and on breaks, right?”
I nodded. “Every break.”

We interlocked out pinky’s, biting the ends of our thumbs in our own weird patent pinky promise.

“I’m gonna say bye to Matt…” I sighed.
“He’s not home.” She stated.
I raised my eyebrow. “Where is he?”
“Out with Valary, somewhere.” She shrugged.
“But … But isn’t he gonna say bye to me?” My shriveled heart finally broke off and fell into my stomach, slowly dissolving in stomach acid.
“I’m not sure.” She frowned.
I sighed. “Okay. I have to go …”

We hugged once more and I left before anymore tears fell from my eyes. Two of the four most important people in my life aren’t saying goodbye to me; Matt and Dad. It makes me wonder if they ever cared at all, really.

I walked out of the Sanders residence and glanced back at it once more; I wanted to remember everything about it. I took the long way home, going around the opposite block, to give me some extra time. All my things were already packed and in the U-Haul truck on it’s way to my grandmothers. All I had in Huntington was the cloths on my back, and the locket that adorned my neck.

Walking home, I began wondering how we were supposed to survive. My mother didn’t work, never has as far as I can remember; my dads supported her. My grandparents are pretty much broke and have been retired for some time, so I doubt they’d go back to work just because my mother’s lazy. If I remember correctly, they still live in a run down house with holes in the wall and a funny smell in the attic.

How is Brian supposed to survive? If dad tours all the time, he’ll be all alone. Who’s gonna feed him? And take him to school? What’s going to happen to him? All the questions were starting to give me a headache.

“I’m gonna miss you, kid.” Brian frowned.
“Ditto.” I croaked out.

He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his stomach; even with a 3 year age difference, he towered me.

“Is Matt coming?” I asked, looking up at my brother hopefully. I had already said goodbye to Zack, Jimmy and Justin.
He frowned. “I don’t think so.”
My lip quivered, and I took a deep breathe.
“Goodbye Brian.” My mother’s voice shook. “I told you both, this isn’t permanent. It’ll only be for a little while.”
Brian and I nodded sadly.

She kissed his cheek and gave him a hug goodbye, to which he didn’t hug back. I don’t blame him, I’m mad at her, too. With one last sad glance, I stepped towards my mother’s car.

“Wait up!” Someone called.
I looked over my shoulder to see Matt running towards our house. I smiled slightly, and felt my heart mend itself back together; just a little bit. My mother got into the car and I stepped back onto the sidewalk.

“I didn’t think you were coming.” I whispered. My voice was soar.
He picked me up into a hug and whispered, “Not even the cowboys from hell could stop me from saying goodbye, Colie.”
I chuckled. “I’m not sure, I think Dimebag alone could take you.” I joked.
He put me back down. “I love you, Colie. Don’t worry, we’ll see each other soon.” With that, he kissed my cheek and I trudged back to my mother’s car, hopping into the front seat.

She started the car and pulled out of the driveway. As she drove away, I glanced back at my home, where Brian and Matt stood waving us off.

“I told you.” She croaked, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t permanent.”

All I could do was nod sadly, and hope she was right.