Fragile

My first two months done and over with; I now weighed one hundred and seventy-nine pounds. John was pretty shocked when I first told him about me being pregnant. He grilled me non-stop after I told him about why I hadn’t gotten a pregnancy test at the hospital the night it happened. They probably did do the test, but I asked them to tell me nothing. I was in such a state of shock; I wasn’t stable enough to hear any type of news. They kept my in the dark, which was where I wanted to be. But, now that the news is out, I guess I’m back in the light.

I was staring at my laptop screen, trying to figure out what I was going to write for my English paper. John stared at my belly the whole time. I could feel his eyes boring into me like a laser. I finally turned my head slowly to look at him.

“Can I help you?” I laughed as I asked. He shook his head and smiled.

“Sorry. I just can’t help but stare at you.”

“So I’ve noticed,” I started to type my first paragraph and paused to place my hand over my belly and then over my mouth. A queasy feeling ran through me and I ran from the desk to my bathroom. I practically spilled my guts out. I hate morning sickness. It took me a few minutes to recover and I went back out to my room to sit back in my chair. John handed me a can of Ginger Ale.

“Feel better?” He asked and popped the tab on the can for me.

“A little,” I replied and took a swig of the Ginger Ale. “I feel like I’m gonna die or something.”

“I could imagine,” he said. “You’ve got something growing inside of you. I’d feel like I was dying, too.”

“John, you’re not supposed to have a human growing inside of you. That would freak me out more than me having a human growing inside of me.” He didn’t say anything, but I knew he agreed with me.

I laid my hands over my belly and felt the start of a small bump. It wasn’t very noticeable, but I could feel the difference while buttoning my jeans. For the last month, I had been wearing sweatpants to save money on buying new jeans each time I outgrew the old ones. My shirts weren’t fitting at all anymore. My chest was expanding and so we my hoodies. I still wasn’t too sure how my mom was going to react when I would see her next month in May. I would traveling home for summer break, and I was scared.

“Hey, John,” I looked up from my belly.

“Hey, Izzie,” he replied, mocking me in a way.

“Ha ha, funny,” I said, smugly. “I was wondering if you’d like to come spend the first week of summer break with me and my family. I need someone that I can trust to be there when i tell my parents about…you know,” I looked back down and rubbed my belly.

“You haven’t told anyone yet?” He asked with wide eyes. “I’m the only one who knows? What the hell is wrong with you, Izzie?! Tell them!”

“Seriously, John. You’re gonna school me on when I should tell my parents about being pregnant?”

“Well, I thought that you would’ve told them about that already. I mean, this means that they’re gonna be grandparents and you’re brother is gonna be an uncle. And you haven’t told them yet? Do you have a death wish or something?”

I leaned over and hit his arm. He rubbed his arm and smiled. I rolled my eyes as I turned my chair back over to my desk and continued to stare at the computer screen. This essay was going nowhere.

“Well, I’m hungry,” I turned to face John. He stared at me with a confused look. “What?”

“You just threw up your life and now you’re hungry? You’re a crazy pregnant woman.”

“That’s right,” I agreed. “So don’t mess with me. I want Taco Bell. I just want something that’s fast food. Can you drive, please?”

The look on his face was priceless because of how fast I spoke and how random it sounded. He got up and slipped on his hooded jacket and handed me my oversized grey hoodie. His keys were lying next to my computer and I handed them to him, and we left my dorm room.

My stomach was growling as John started the car. He shook his head and started out of the parking lot and down the street to the Taco Bell. I looked out the window, watching as cars passed by us. It felt uncomfortable as I saw almost every car holding a car seat. It made me wish that I didn’t have to worry about that. John suddenly pulled me from my thoughts as we pulled into the drive thru of Taco Bell.

“You already no what I want,” I told him and let him order the same thing I always got; two soft tacos and a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito. Their food is so addicting.

John did my order and ordered me a Dr. Pepper, and then ordered for himself. He insisted on paying for me and I didn’t mind. I continued to look out the window, thinking about whether I would be craving Taco Bell everyday; if I would have to buy more pants because my sweatpants might not fit me; if it would be an easy nine months.

“Izzie,” John nudged my arm to hand me the food and drinks. “Wanna eat over at the park?”

I nodded my head and he drove down towards the park near campus. The leaves in the trees were wet with the rain that had fallen earlier in the morning. The park was mostly deserted and we sat at a bench where we parked the car.

“Man, I hate this,” I said and stuffed my face with a taco.

“Hate what?”

“This. Being pregnant. Reality is finally coming into focus because I’m nineteen and I’m having a baby. This wasn’t how I planned it.”

“You don’t need to go through with the pregnancy. If you feel like that, maybe you’d be better off with aborting it.”

I paused; mid-bite.

“Abort it? Are you kidding me?”

“Why not?” He looked at me innocently. “You talk like you don’t want it.”

“Well, I don’t. At least not now. But I’m not gonna get rid of if just because I’m not ready. The baby didn’t do anything; I won’t end its life before it even begins.”

John was quiet, and I felt glad that he was. He didn’t deserve to talk about my child as if it wasn’t worthy of breathing the air that we breathe. My baby was worthy of that. My baby is.