Mutatio

Funny things, realizations are. You don't know when they're going to hit you (hit being almost a literal term) or when they're going to desert you. You don't know how to get one when you need it or how to get rid of one when you know all that it will bring is heartache.

And so I find myself uncomfortably stuck in the latter-most of these situations. Why, on God's green earth, had I not known this before? Now, of all times, when a large portion of my life was based on it, did I realize that I was wrong.

I didn't love her.

The chase was all that kept me going, and there was truly no feeling behind it. I'm so stupid! So Lor didn't love me back, big deal! Why would that change my own feelings? But apparently I was lying to myself this entire time.

A mingling of guilt, anger, and loss welled up inside my throat. Guilt because I'd been lying to my best friend aside from my brother, telling her that I loved her. Anger because I'd been to stupid not to notice it before...and loss...

Loss of a feeling. A hope. I missed the feeling of being in love, of being scorned and not loved in return. It gave me something to strive for. Then again, now that I think about it, that's really goddamn masochistic.

So what am I supposed to do now? Three miles above the ground, in the middle of an ocean, and I'm heading to see her for ONE reason. One reason that is no longer true.

"You ok Bill?" Tom asked, half asleep.

I smiled. Half asleep and he still knew something was wrong. "Yup." I beamed at him, and he may have smiled back, but he may have just twitched a little. They're interchangeable.

"Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. We'll be arriving at the Las Angeles airport in about ten minutes."

Ten minutes. I though. Shit.

Georg looked over to me, giving me a sort of 'I know what you're thinking' look. "It's fine." he mouthed. "It'll be fine, anyway."

I looked out the window to the map-like ground. Funny how that happens.

----------------------------- Lor's POV

"Um....Lor? What are you doing?" Ashley asked, a quizzical expression adorning her sharp features.

I looked up at her over my empty coffee cup. It was probably a strange experience to walk into a room and find someone licking the outside of a coffee cup, rather than drinking what was inside it.

"It was empty." I replied.

"I bet. But um--"

"Flashback time! This morning, a long long time ago, I awoke to the need for coffee. I also had to pee, but that's beside the point. Aaaaanyways, I made my way to the coffee pot, unaware that the coffee in it had grown cold, and poured it unknowingly into the chocolate-powder filled cup. But low and behold! The hot chocolate mix did not dissolve, because the coffee was cold! So what did I do? I took a paper towel, covered the cup with it and put it in the microwave for two whole minutes. To my despair, though the paper towel had caught most of the liquid, the rest of the chocolate exploded and attached itself to the sides of my cup."

"Ok then--"

"Now, thought I, what to do? Here I am with half a cup of coffee and delicious chocolate baked onto the sides of my cup. I faced a terrifying decision: do I waste the chocolate and clean it? Or do I save it somehow?"

"I'll take it you decided to save it by--"

"Yes! By licking the glass. You're quite a clever one, Ashley."

"So I've been told."

There was a short silence between us. I was trying to do my best I'm-totally-serious-right-now-professor look, but I figured it wasn't worth it anymore so I stopped and beamed at my friend. Needless to say, we both started laughing (why I'm not really sure, but this seems to happen often).

"Would you like me to make a fresh batch of coffee?" she asked.

I nodded enthusiaticly, while continuing to lick the sides of my delicious cup. There was a knock at the door and I looked over to it. Angie (who looked like she'd just woken up) shuffled over to it, looked through the peep-hole, squeeled, and flung the door open. The way the house was set up, I couldn't quite see who was there. All I saw was Angie's lucious orange locks, a couple male-looking arms, and.....

And poofy black hair.

"Gustav! Tom! Bill! Georg! Hoyl crapshit, you guys! It took you long enough to come back!" she shreiked and glomped them all. Ashley rushed in, coffee pot in hand, to the group.

"What the hell?!" Ashley added and set down the coffee pot, glomping them all (less violently) too. "Come on in, come on in. I was just about to make some fresh coffee. Um, Lor...?"

They all turned towards me. Still in shock, I was sitting with the knees up, hunched over, mug in hand and....I was still licking it. I felt a red-hot blush bloom in my chest and reach down my arms. "Hey guys." I said, putting the mug down.

"Lor!" I heard and one familiar black-haired, brown-eyed giant raced towards me, laughing his ass off for some reason. He swiftly swung me up off the couch so I was standing trapped me in the tightest freaking bear hug I'd ever had the misfortune of being caught in. "Lor Lor Lor Lor Lor!" he sang, swinging me around. "I miss-miss-missed you so much!" As far as I knew, he was beaming. However, since my face was uncomfortably squished in his chest and geeting dangerously close to his arm pit, I couldn't quite tell.

"I mrfshed myu tew." I mumbled.

"What?" Bill loosened his arms and looked down at me (God, why is everyone so tall?!), smiling a big, toothy smile like I thought he was.

I beamed back up at him. "I said I missed you too!"

"Yay!" he cried and again I was engulfed in a bone-crushing hug. Tom and Gustav had to pry him off me so I could breathe. I'd have to thank them for that later.