Breakeven

"Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven."

"So when did you know you loved him?" Jonathan asked as he and Reese drove home from the diner.

"Oh gosh," Reese said, glancing out the window. "I'm not sure."

"There's not like, a moment you knew?" He pressed on.

"Well maybe this one time," she laughed. She glanced over at Jonathan and he nodded to her, letting her know to continue. "He took me ice skating. He thought I was horrible and wanted to teach me, so we went skating and it turns out he was the horrible one and we just ended up falling all over each other. And it was freezing, like one of those Chicago days where you step outside and your blood freezes," she explained. Jonathan laughed, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "And so we're all banged up and my nose is running and I just look like total shit. I know it, he knows it. And we're walking back to our apartment and he just stops out of nowhere and kisses me. And when he pulled away he looked at me in a way he hadn't before. I don't know, it sounds stupid now, but in that moment I just knew. And he didn't have to say a thing."

Jonathan nodded and kept his eyes on the road, not a sound being emitted from his mouth. Reese didn't say anything either, and she wasn't offended by his silence. She knew Jonathan and she knew that his silence was him taking everything in. He wasn't the type of person to say something without thinking long and hard about it first.

"Do you remember my first boyfriend?" Reese asked, catching Jonathan off guard. He looked at her oddly, but nodded his head regardless.

"Yeah, I remember," he said.

"Remember when he broke up with me on Valentine's Day?" She pressed on.

"Yeah," he nodded. "But uhm, what does this have to do with anything?"

"Well I just remember how upset I was, and how convinced I was that my heart was broken and that I loved him and all of that stupid shit," she said. "And now I realize how stupid I was to think that. I mean, I was fourteen. I knew absolutely nothing about being heartbroken," she said, pouring all of her emotions into her mini speech. "This," she pointed to her chest, "This is broken now," she breathed out, stopping briefly as she looked up at blinked rapidly, trying to keep her tears back. "And the worst part is, he doesn't even fucking care."

The rest of the ride was silent, both parties thinking long and hard about their respective break-ups. Jonathan took Reese's words to heart and applied them to his own life and his own relationships. He remembered all the times he thought his heart was broken, all of the times he thought he couldn't get out of bed because of some chick, the one time in college and girl had turned him down and he felt like a total looser for the next week and a half. And then he compared all of those times to this break-up, to this heartbreak, and he found that Reese was right. Nothing in his past could possibly compare to the ache in his chest now. Nothing could come close to that hollowness underneath his ribcage that he knew would never be filled again.

"What's his name?" Jonathan asked, breaking the silence that had hung over the car for nearly five minutes.

"Sean," Reese said tonelessly. "What was her name?"

Jonathan's lips formed into a straight line, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened to a point where his knuckles were turning white. "Alexis."

"That's a pretty name," Reese smiled softly. Jonathan said nothing. A silence fell over the car once again and it remained that way until Jonathan pulled the truck into his driveway. He parked the car and turned it off, placing the keys in his lap and unbuckling his seatbelt, yet remaining seated in the driver's seat. "Jonny," Reese said, placing her hand on his arm softly. "I know how hard this is," she began. "Trust me, I'm going through the same thing. But this is gonna be over soon. You'll find another girl, someone else who will love you forever. And Alexis will just be a memory. And not a bad one. I mean, you'll remember those bad times of course, and you'll remember the break-up for the rest of your life. But you'll remember all of those good times too. Your whole relationship won't be defined by this break-up."

It was quite profound for someone who was just as equally heartbroken to say something like that, but Reese had always been able to put things into perspective perfectly. She had always been good with words and a talent like that came in handy at the worst possible times- times like those. And maybe her heart was shattered, and maybe she knew it wouldn't feel whole for a long while, but she knew that it would feel whole one day. And she looked forward to that day.

"No," Jon spoke quickly and harshly. "Alexis isn't just some memory, and this just isn't some break-up. She was the love of my fucking life, Reese," he told her in an almost scolding manner. Reese shrunk back in her seat, extracting her hand from his arm and unbuckling her seatbelt as she pressed herself again the cold window of Mr. Toews' car. "And she didn't fuck somebody else like Sean. She just got scared, and when I get back everything’s going to go back to normal. This is all just one big fucking misunderstanding. She didn't mean what she did, I know her. She loves me, and I love her. And we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, dammit!" He exclaimed, slamming his hands down onto the steering wheel. "Fuck!" He yelled loudly, not being able to articulate his feelings in any other way.

"Jonny?" Reese whispered quietly.

"What?" He said flatly, angrily.

"I don't mean to sound unsupportive, and I don't know exactly what happened either. But who are you trying to convince of that?" She asked him quietly. He turned to her, anger so evident on his face you would have had to been blind not to notice his rage.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He bellowed.

"Jon- people just don't do things without a reason," she tried to explain meekly.

"She was just confused!" He yelled angrily, trying to make everything seem okay. He so desperately wanted everything to be okay. He just wanted it all to be the way it once was, and he knew deep in his heart it never would be.

"What happened Jon? You can tell me," she assured him.

"No," he said softly.

"Jon," she tried, leaning forward and placing her hand on his arm once again.

"No!" He cried.

"It's okay Jonny," Reese said, tears openly pouring down her cheeks. Her broken heart ached for her friend who couldn't seem to come to grips with reality. She knew that him never confronting his feelings and him never admitting to himself his relationship was over would only do him harm in the long run. It just killed her to see him like this.

"She fucking left me!" He yelled- his voice cracking. "I asked her to marry me and she just walked away," he admitted pathetically. "She just walked away," he murmured, placing his forehead on the steering wheel as his hands gripped it tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly; trying to make sure his tears didn't spill over. He didn't want to cry. Hockey players didn't cry. He didn't cry. "What the fuck did I ever do? I fucking loved her with everything I had in me, and she just left. She just didn't care, Reese. It's not fucking fair."

"I know Jonny, I know," Reese sniffled, rubbing his back softly looking on as Jonathan Toews sobbed to himself.