Status: Done.
To Be Whole.
Don't Worry.
I can feel you; I can always feel you. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you. I'm almost afraid to forget you, because if I did, how would I know if you were still here? How would I know if you had left?
I'm scared to let you go, I'm not sure if I can, because without you, I'm not me.
Can you remember when I use to blast these songs and cry my eyes out? Do you remember how you were the only one that stayed; you were the only one who could stand me. I haven’t forgotten, sometimes I wish I could, and I won’t deny that I’ve tried, but no, I haven’t forgotten.
I’ve made you out to be this monster, when you are nothing of the sort. I’ve twisted you to fit each category and each plotline, but I’ve never done you a bit of justice. I’ve never asked your opinion or even considered your feelings in these matters. I’ve never given you a second thought. I’ve never given you a chance.
You were my demons, all of them all rolled into one and I hated every bit of you, but that was only because I hated every bit of myself. You are me, and I am you and neither of us could ever be anything but. I’d forgotten this piece of information, I had pushed it to the back of my mind and left it there to rot. I didn’t thank you for letting me hate you or for letting me love you. I didn’t thank you for letting me hold your hand when I needed reassurance. I didn’t thank you and I didn’t think to. Until now.
I created you. I constructed you out of my thoughts and feelings. I made you my puppet and you made me yours. I can’t be angry with you for that exact reason. I have no one to blame but myself.
Do you remember all of those nights I laid and cursed your name? I didn’t mean those things, I wanted you there, I needed you and I couldn’t cope with the silence. Rejection was my biggest fear, so in telling you to leave I was really begging you to stay.
I’m sure you’re aware of all of this already. I’m sure you know.
By creating you I was taking things into my own hands. You were my sort of rebellion stage; you were my demands and my needs. You were my everything.
My obsession with the human body hasn’t left. I still strive to find better and more beautiful ways to portray this monster that holds me captive. I still strive for the best and most amazing and perfect words to send into the world. I still obsess. I still count. I still see and hear and feel every bit of what I did before. I am every bit as aware as I was before. I am not the same however. I am not the same and I never will be, not after you. Not after what you have done. Not after all of the work I put into creating and destroying you. I could never be the same.
Do you remember all of those things I told people about you? How I preached and prayed and wrote and taught. Those were all lies, you are not dangerous; you are not scary. You are me and I’m not the least bit intimidating. You are not deadly nor are you evil. You are beautiful, you are graceful and you are poised. You are everything I wish I was, you are everything I wish to bring to the surface, but you stay buried deep within my chambers.
You beat with my heart, you rush with my blood and you echo with my every thought. You are in every part of me and I could never be rid of you, no matter how much I use to want it. No matter how much I sometimes say I want it. I couldn’t let you go, I couldn’t leave you. I love you with every inch of my being and I welcome you.
I’m afraid, I’ll admit. I’m scared to death of this world and what lives in it. I’m afraid to face all of this alone, and things haven’t been nearly as beautiful without you around. I miss you terribly. I miss you to death. I always miss you.
I owe my every breath to you. I know that. I recognize that, and I apologize for the long wait.
I’m sure you are aware of all of this already. You know better than anyone. You know, and you hear and you understand. You’re here and I feel you. I always feel you, and I understand now that I could never be rid of you. I could never let you go.
And I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay and I’m safe. I’m safe with you and my thoughts.
Everything will be okay from here. Everything will be just fine. You and I will be just fine, as long as we’re together.
I'm scared to let you go, I'm not sure if I can, because without you, I'm not me.
Can you remember when I use to blast these songs and cry my eyes out? Do you remember how you were the only one that stayed; you were the only one who could stand me. I haven’t forgotten, sometimes I wish I could, and I won’t deny that I’ve tried, but no, I haven’t forgotten.
I’ve made you out to be this monster, when you are nothing of the sort. I’ve twisted you to fit each category and each plotline, but I’ve never done you a bit of justice. I’ve never asked your opinion or even considered your feelings in these matters. I’ve never given you a second thought. I’ve never given you a chance.
You were my demons, all of them all rolled into one and I hated every bit of you, but that was only because I hated every bit of myself. You are me, and I am you and neither of us could ever be anything but. I’d forgotten this piece of information, I had pushed it to the back of my mind and left it there to rot. I didn’t thank you for letting me hate you or for letting me love you. I didn’t thank you for letting me hold your hand when I needed reassurance. I didn’t thank you and I didn’t think to. Until now.
I created you. I constructed you out of my thoughts and feelings. I made you my puppet and you made me yours. I can’t be angry with you for that exact reason. I have no one to blame but myself.
Do you remember all of those nights I laid and cursed your name? I didn’t mean those things, I wanted you there, I needed you and I couldn’t cope with the silence. Rejection was my biggest fear, so in telling you to leave I was really begging you to stay.
I’m sure you’re aware of all of this already. I’m sure you know.
By creating you I was taking things into my own hands. You were my sort of rebellion stage; you were my demands and my needs. You were my everything.
My obsession with the human body hasn’t left. I still strive to find better and more beautiful ways to portray this monster that holds me captive. I still strive for the best and most amazing and perfect words to send into the world. I still obsess. I still count. I still see and hear and feel every bit of what I did before. I am every bit as aware as I was before. I am not the same however. I am not the same and I never will be, not after you. Not after what you have done. Not after all of the work I put into creating and destroying you. I could never be the same.
Do you remember all of those things I told people about you? How I preached and prayed and wrote and taught. Those were all lies, you are not dangerous; you are not scary. You are me and I’m not the least bit intimidating. You are not deadly nor are you evil. You are beautiful, you are graceful and you are poised. You are everything I wish I was, you are everything I wish to bring to the surface, but you stay buried deep within my chambers.
You beat with my heart, you rush with my blood and you echo with my every thought. You are in every part of me and I could never be rid of you, no matter how much I use to want it. No matter how much I sometimes say I want it. I couldn’t let you go, I couldn’t leave you. I love you with every inch of my being and I welcome you.
I’m afraid, I’ll admit. I’m scared to death of this world and what lives in it. I’m afraid to face all of this alone, and things haven’t been nearly as beautiful without you around. I miss you terribly. I miss you to death. I always miss you.
I owe my every breath to you. I know that. I recognize that, and I apologize for the long wait.
I’m sure you are aware of all of this already. You know better than anyone. You know, and you hear and you understand. You’re here and I feel you. I always feel you, and I understand now that I could never be rid of you. I could never let you go.
And I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay and I’m safe. I’m safe with you and my thoughts.
Everything will be okay from here. Everything will be just fine. You and I will be just fine, as long as we’re together.