We Are The Very Hurt You Sold.

"you wrapped your hands tight around my heart,
you squeezed it full of pain,
with this knife I'll cut out the part of me,
the part that cares for you"

Pulling the ring out of my pocket, I gently played with the sliver words along the inside, reading, "Forever Never Ends". Gerard will love it, or at least..I hope so. I can't ask him to marry me, but I can ask him to promise himself to me.

These last months have been torture. Gerard has been away with his brother, Mikey, visiting family in Europe. I spent hours in the bedroom, alone, listening to his voice on CD.

Our band had decided to take a break for awhile, not break up, but we all had things we wanted to do, places we wanted to see. The others had thought it was weird that Gerard and I started dating, but we didn't care. The moment he laid those eyes on me, my heart melted and I felt like I could walk on water if he was with me.

So I had gone to the bank to withdraw a few thousand dollars, combing the jewelery stores for the perfect ring. I swear, I must have asked to see dozens of those fuckers before I found it. There, in a little shop off of the corner of 31st and second, I found a small silver band with black engraved along the edge, resembling the work of tiny spider webs.

I had asked the kind man behind the counter for advise on what to write on the inside, and he had given me a few suggestions, but it wasn't until I had a conversation with Gerard a few nights ago that I decided.

"Frankie, I miss you so much."

"I miss you, too, Gee..I have a surprise for you when you get back."

"Oh, really? Aww, I wanna know."

"No, Gee, come on, it'll ruin the surprise!"

"Fine, fine. So anyways, my plane will land Tuesday at noon, and I'll meet you for lunch at Rick's Cafe?"

"Gerard, you know I can pick you up."

"Yeah, but I want to meet you there."

"You're weird."

"You love me."

"Yeah, I do. So..meet..anyone..uh, special there?"

"What? No, Frankie. Don't worry. I would never cheat on you. I love you too much."

"I know..it's just, well. There must be some really gorgeous men there.."

"Frankie. I love you, and forever never ends."

I just knew, right when he said those words, that they were meant to be. So I had practically ran back to the store and asked for the man to engrave the words carefully on the inside.

And now, waiting at Rick's, my clammy hands are making it slippery, hard to hold, so I put it back in my pocket and lean back, waiting. One 'O clock rolls around, and I'm starting to get worried.

To pass the time, I spend some time reminiscing about Gerard. The day he told me he wanted to be with me..well, let's just say, nothing could have brought me down. I thought he hated me for awhile, until that day.

"F-Frankie, I want to talk to you.." Gerard grabbed my wrist and pulled me around back the stage, where we had left our screaming audience.

"What's going on, Gee?" I couldn't help but feel like he was going to tell me to leave him alone, stop staring at him like the lovesick fool I was, so you could tell how nervous I got when he stood there silently, playing with the hem of his shirt.

"Um, Frankie, I have something I need to tell you. It's, uhm..well.." He stopped to breathe in. "Ireallyreallyloveyouandithurtstoseeyousosadsopleasedon'thateme," He stopped to take an gulp of air, "because..ireallyreallyloveyoumorethananything." He said really fast, trying to get it all out.

"W-what?" He turned to walk away, blushing like a lunatic, but I twirled him around and grasped his hips. "Gerard, tell me again." He tried to look anywhere except my eyes, but I pinned him to the wall.

"I..uhm..Frank..I love you.." He mumbled, looking down. His eyes went wide when I pushed my mouth to his, and it took him a second to realize that yes, in fact, I was kissing him, before he licked my lip, tasting me, letting me taste him.

"You have no idea how long I've loved you, Gee.."

"Oh Frankie.."

I smiled at the memory, practically glowing from happiness. And today, I was almost positive he would promise to love me forever. He already had, but I wanted to make it official. Glancing at the clock, I decided to look around for him, hoping his flight hadn't been delayed.

Walking outside, I lean against a street light and raise my hand against the sunlight to look around. There, my beautiful man in black. Gerard was hurrying to the cafe, barely paying attention to the people he knocked into in his hurry.

"Gerard!" I yell ecstatic. He looks up and beams at me, and I swear, my heart stopped at that moment. I love that man, more than anything else in the world. His eyes, sparkling like champagne.

His smile, I swear, could light up the world. If not the whole world, mine. His energy, the empathy for his music could be seen in his face. He lived for his fans.

No one saw it. No one except me. The bus speeding along, rushing to get to the intersection before the lights changed. Gerard, oblivious to anything except me, his line of sight.

Pushing through people, I screamed his name, and I swear, if I could see anything in his eyes right then, instead of fear, it had been love. His love for me.

It was like he imploded. One second, he was there, smiling at me. The next, he's gone, leaving people standing shell shocked at the aftermath. The bus had slammed on it's breaks after, and people started to scream, realizing that, yes, someone had been in the way. My heart, everything in me, felt as if it were collapsing in on itself at that moment.

I ran after the bus, now stopped, and found my love on the road, covered in gore. My stomach heaved and emptied everything inside of me, and I wished I could spill out my emotions, too.

His hair was matter with blood and..and god knows what else. I could see his skull, smashed. I couldn't even recognize the man I love.

The police pulled me away, gave me to paramedics who treated me for shock. They made me sit down and covered me with an old dusty blanket, while I sat there, shaking, staring at nothing, the sight of Gerard, broken and smashed apart, imprinted on my eyelids.

The funeral was held a week later, and the whole band attended. Mikey cried, giving me a hug, which I returned stiffly. Ray and Bob both looked like they still couldn't believe what had happened.

I don't even care what people thought of me. I probably looked like a heartless bastard, but I didn't care. I had to shove out all emotions, I just..I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't let myself break.

After the burial, I went back to the apartment we had shared and locked myself in, turning off all the lights. I must have sit there for days before someone knocked on the door. "Frank! Let me in, Frankie. Come on." I opened the door and Mikey stared at me with wide eyes.

"Frankie, when's the last time you showered? It smells so bad..and your hair..is all..yeah." He faded off the criticism, noticing how fucked up I really looked, and how much I just didn't care. "Frankie, come on. It's..it's okay." He guided me to the couch and we sat down.

"Listen..I know..I know it's hard, that he's gone, I mean..I can't even imagine how bad it must have been for you to have seen it..to have been there." I still sit there, saying nothing. Apathetic, really.

"Frankie, listen. Gerard..he knows that you loved him, and we could all tell how much he loved you, and we're so sor-" This time I cut him off angrily.

"I don't love him! No! He..he must have been..cheating on me. That's why he was late. He..wouldn't..he didn't love me. And I don't love him." Mikey stared.

"How can you say that, Frankie?! You know he wouldn't cheat on you! He loved you! How..how can you say that you didn't love him, too?" I shake my head, standing.

"You have to leave, Mikey. I can't..I can't deal with this crap right now. Just get out." But he still stood there, not moving, eyes starting to tear up. "GET OUT, MIKEY! GET OUT!" I scream at him, my heart throbbing with pain.

He moved towards the door. "Frankie..I know you love him...I know you always will..Just..don't lose yourself. We care about yo-"

"Just go, Mikey." And he does.

For days, I don't move. My stomach aches with the pain of hunger, but I don't have the strength or motivation to eat anything. Ray shows up once in awhile, trying to get me to eat. Everything tastes like ash, and comes right back up in a whirlwind.

Anytime they mention Gerard, about how 'he loved me, I shouldn't be doing this to myself', I get angrier. "I don't love him! I never have, alright?! Just LEAVE!"

And even though I know, even though everyone else knows this isn't true, I have to force myself to believe that I never cared for him. I have to shield my own heart. I can't let myself think about it.

Weeks pass, months. Four months after Gerard's death, Mikey shows up again. He hadn't come back since I told him to leave, and it hurt seeing someone so close to Gerard. Someone..someone who resembles him so much.

"Frankie..please. You're sick. Your body is practically all bones, and you look like death. Please..Frankie, don't do this to yourself. Gerard..he wouldn't want to see you like this."

"Well, he's not coming back, is he, Mikey. He won't see me like this. We won't..we won't ever see..each other again.." I could feel myself start to lose it, so I covered by screaming at the only person who was trying to help me.

"JUST LEAVE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MIKEY! IT'S NOT LIKE..It's..it's not like I can just.." And then I did it. I broke into tears. I haven't cried since before Gerard died.

Mikey wrapped me into a hug, whispering, "It's okay, Frankie, just..let it all out. Let it go." And I did. I cried onto his shirt, begging for Gerard to come back, thumping Mikey's chest when I wanted to hurt someone, screaming into his arms.

"I love him, Mikey. I want..I want Gerard back..Oh god, I can't..Oh, Mikey..Gerard..GERARD!" I scream at the ceiling, wanting him to hold me instead of his brother. Suddenly remembering, I pull the ring out of my pocket and hand it to Mikey.

"This..I was going to give this to Gerard that day..I..I never.." My body was wracked with sobs again and I couldn't get another coherent sentence out.

Mikey stared at the ring in his hand and his fingers curled around it. "Frankie..there's..something we weren't sure of, that the..the coroner found on Gerard when he died..we didn't..we weren't sure if you could handle it.."

I look up through my blurred vision as Mikey pulled out another ring, similar to mine, except it had a dark blue heart on the inside with my name next to it. It took me a second to realize what it was.

Holding the ring, I stopped crying, staring at it for several long moments. Mikey spoke quietly. "He was going to ask you to marry him, Frankie. He..spent hours talking about how he planned your future together, talking about..everything. He loved you, Frankie."

My heart felt numb, yet at the same time, I felt like I was about to explode. I needed to do something. "Mikey..I want to be alone. I have to be alone. Please, go. Tha-thank you for this. I.." Words failed me, but Mikey seemed to look as if he understood. Pulling me into a tight hug, he told me he'd come by tomorrow.

After he left, I sank to the ground, staring at the ring. 'He was going to ask you to marry him, Frankie..' He..wanted to marry me. He loved me. Slipping the ring onto my left hand's ring finger, I kissed it softly.

Digging through the tiny hall closet, I found what I was looking for. Something I had known was there, something I hid in the back of my mind, ignoring the possibilities. A small handgun Gerard had bought in case of emergencies.

Locking myself in the bedroom, I stared at the ring for the longest time. Finally, I pressed play on the CD in my stereo, and Gerard's voice sang gently throughout the room, telling me, "So long, and goodnight".

Lifting the gun, I spoke one last time. "I'll always love you, Gerard, and forever never ends."