The Only Way I Know

The next class, maths, passed by in a blur. I hated maths.

So, it was recess now.

And I had no one to hang out with.

I walked out into the playground. The green lawns held the largest variety of people I had ever seen. Groups of girls sat huddled in groups, gossiping over the latest news. Popular guys ran around playing footy. Muso-s sat on tables hunched over their guitars, trading chords.

Where would I fit in?

I wandered around, now knowing what it felt like to be homesick. And I did feel sick. Sick from having left home, left my life behind. All I wanted was someone to talk to, to tell how I felt.

I gasped aloud, annoyed why I hadn't thought of it earlier.

Alex would listen!

I went into the corner of the schoolyard, hastily pulling out my phone and turning it on.

It wouldn't turn on.

Fuck - it was out of battery.

I felt the tears creep in as I stared at my useless phone. Why did everything that could go wrong, go wrong? All I wanted was to text Alex, to tell her that every minute of my thought was devoted to thinking of her and my home in Australia. How shit England was. How fucking stupid everyone here was.

I sat there, pulling out my food slowly, not feeling hungry at all. Mum had packed me biscuits. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at them, thinking of home. I couldn't even talk to my own mother.

I guess music would be me saviour now. I got out my iPod and flicked to U2. With or Without You began to play.

The song was perfectly playing how I felt. I hung my head low, refusing to show people my tears or lonliness. Sure enough the bell rang just as the song finished. I slowly rolled up the earphones as I heard the people around me head off to class. I dragged myself up and walked toward the school building.

Everything around me was distant, time would go by in a blur as I wallowed in my sickness. Not once had someone talked to me all day. I hadn't seen Tom around at all. He was the closest thing to a friend I had made. If you could call him that.

As I walked the few blocks home from school, it began to drizzle again. Icy wind numbed my nose. I welcomed the coldness, hoping it would distract me from my terrible day. I came up to the doorstep, taking a deep breath and walking inside. It was pleasantly warm, and the house looked more like home. Mum had obviously gone out and bought random pieces of furniture or homeware.

My mum came bustling in, her face too bright for my sombre mood. "How was your day?"

"Terrible," I said shortly, stomping upstairs to my room. The first things I did were close the door, put Insomniac in the stereo, and turn it up as loud as it could go.

I took a deep breath, never having felt as depressed as I had now. I opened my school bag, pulling out my scissors.

I held it above my wrist. I couldn't believe I was doing this...

I moved the scissors closer...my heart beginning to rapidly beat...

Suddenly a wave of anger hit through me. I wasn't sad anymore. I was fucking angry. I chucked the scissors at the door of my cupboard. I knocked over my desk chair, banged the end of my bed repeatedly with my foot. The pain shot up my leg, causing me to gasp in pain.

I flopped down on the bed, my face against the sheets as they soaked up my tears.

I had never hated life as much as I hated it right now.