The Only Way I Know

I silently sat on my bed, my head numb with confusion as the loud music playing became more and more distant. I couldn't believe I had tried that. I had attempted to cut myself. I had always promised I would never sink that low...never become so depressed and angry I would mutilate myself -

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft tapping on my door.

"Jame?"

My mum's voice sounded through the door. It was worried, confused.

"Yeah?" I said quietly, unlocking the door and letting her in before sitting back on my bed.

"How was your first day?" she asked gently, standing in front of me awkwardly.

My eyes were lowered, I refused to talk, I had stormed inside without saying anything before turning up the music full blast...how the fuck did she not know how I felt?

"Fine," I said shortly.

"Are you hungry?"

Now she was steering the conversation onto food.

I guess being lonely all day did get pretty tiring.

"Guess so," I replied, fiddling with my blanket.

She walked over to my stereo and paused the music. I decided I was way too tired to argue.

"Well, I haven't managed to get any food - so how does eating out sound?"

Great, more walking around in public. Life was so cruel.

I shrugged my shoulders non-comittantly.

"I'll take that as a yes," she said, smiling. "Get dressed and I'll see you downstairs in five minutes." She left, closing the door behind her.

Why the fuck did I have to fucking change? My clothes were perfectly fine from my day at school. I reapplied my eyeliner thickly. I was mourning the loss of my life, the loss of my entire soul.

I padded down the carpeted stairs, redoing my ponytail. My mum gave me a sidelong glance as we walked out the door and into the dark mist. The town was lit up by car headlights and streetlights, illuminating the fine drizzle so it seemed to glow.

"Jamie, are you sure you're okay?" she asked, draping her arm around my shoulder.

"Mum, I'm fine," I said, lying through my teeth. Why couldn't she leave me alone? I wasn't her problem anyway. She had her own life to get on with.

We continued to walk in silence.

"Thai alright with you?" she asked as we walked into the mall.

"Yeah," I said softly. We went inside the restaurant and ordered our food, continuing to be stuck in an awkward silence.

"So...are the teachers nice?" I had to credit my mum for trying.

"They're alright. Alot different from home," I said again in that dull tone. She nodded silently. We finished out meal and headed again back inside the courtyard of the mall. Various couples and young families walked around, checking out the restaurants, chatting happily in their English accents. Why did everything in this place have to act so perfectly?

"Mum, do you mind if I hang out around here? The shops close later tonight." I felt like some alone time.

"Sure," she said, giving me some money. I felt like a little kid, getting pocket money and going to buy sweets. "Just come back home in at least and hour or two. No talking to strangers, and be careful ... and - "

"Yes, Mum," I said, rolling my eyes. She smiled before leaving me by myself. I stood rooted to the spot, wondering where to go next.

I saw a group of friends, who looked to be about my age heading over near where I was standing. I felt incredibly vulnerable all of a sudden.

As they passed, one of the guys paused. His friends, both a mixture of what looked to be jocks and bitchy girls, stopped,. looking at me questioningly.

"Why don't you go back to emo-town, you fucking emo!" he said. His voice was so utterly repulsive. His eyes showed stupidity right through them.

"Why don't you get a fucking life?" I said angrily, feeling my temper rise. At least I was fighting back.

"Well, at least I'm not going to back to Australia, where all the emos live."

He was so fucking stupid, I wondered if there was anything in his thick, solid skull. I had never felt so repulsed.

I kicked him in the shins sharply, before running off, blinded by my growing tears.

I hated them all.